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The crisis of 3 years in a child: how to survive and help the baby

You were so happy that the baby is no longer crying at night, he has mastered the pot and is chattering with might and main. It was thought, the most difficult thing behind, now you can enjoy motherhood. But the lull was a break.

Suddenly, the child as a substitute. Unreasonable tantrums – this is the atmosphere in the house.

Peanut does not obey, fights, call names. How did a beloved child turn into a mischief imp?

Where to run – to the doctors or to the “grandmothers”. If you are in the subject line, then you are probably experiencing a new stage of maturation of the baby. And this is not a pathology, but a norm.

How to “cure” a crisis of 3 years in a child and not go crazy – in our material.

Changes in the child’s behavior at first only alarm the parents. Closer to three years old, children are usually given to the garden, therefore, fluctuations in the mood of the children are attributed to getting used to the new daily routine, the team. Like, adapts …

But the tantrums do not go through a day or a week. Then moms and dads get angry and look for the causes of disobedience in the bad nature of the toddler, conduct an audit of the methods of education.

A real panic begins, when either the carrot method or the carrot method no longer works with the child. At this point, parents are morally on the edge.

They are torn by mixed feelings when anger, tears and irritation border on growing anxiety about the health and future of the baby.

Here, many adults seek help from pediatric neurologists. And this is correct, because behavioral abnormalities can be a sign of diseases of the nervous system and not only.

But it is more likely that the doctor will examine the child and calm the parents by making a “crisis diagnosis.”

Psychology calls the age crisis special stages of personality development. These periods are characterized by abrupt mental changes.

Many experts agree that without such differences, it is impossible to form a character, your “I”.

During the life of a person passes a number of such moments. One of the most famous – pubertal or so-called “adolescent” period associated with puberty.

There is a crisis of newborns, thirty-year-olds and even retirement.

But it is precisely the crisis of three years that is considered one of the most difficult. This is a kind of equator between early childhood and pre-school age.

During this period, the baby meets his “I” and learns to control it. He is separated from his parents, builds a new relationship with them.

This stage is also conventionally called “I myself” or the stage of obstinacy.

The crisis of a three-year period does not necessarily manifest itself clearly in three years. Much depends on the individual characteristics, the potential of the child. Some mothers noticed the crisis background in two years.

So early it happens if the child quickly got it. But more often a crisis occurs between the ages of two and a half and three and a half years.

The exact dates of the beginning and end of the crisis will not be fixed, since the situation is developing incrementally. And only in the middle of the path there is a sharp exacerbation of crisis symptoms.

How long is the crisis of three years? And there will not be a specific answer.

Observations show that capriciousness can be corrected in five to six weeks, or it can “play” on nerves for a whole year.

How to recognize the symptoms of a crisis of 3 years in a child? Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky, who studied the development of children’s mental processes, identified seven main features of this period.

According to Vygotsky, this issue is also being considered by modern psychology.

What it is . The reaction of denial in relation to another person.

How manifest. The kid deliberately does everything differently, as a specific person asks for it, contrary to obvious things. This attitude is selective: the child obeys the father, but ignores the mother or vice versa. And often the child acts contrary to their true desires, just to say: “No!”.

For these reasons, the child refuses the proposed sweet and invitations to the playground.

An example. Mom says that the dress is black. My daughter replies: “No, the dress is white.” Mom agrees with the white color, and the baby immediately read: “No, the dress is black!”

What to do . Use an affirmative form in speech less often, replacing it with an interrogative one. “Sit down for lunch!” Is an erroneous phrase. It is better to say this: “My son, shall we have lunch now?” If you need a guaranteed positive response, then contact the child like this: “Son, will we have lunch – soup or casserole?” In critical situations, you can deliberately provoke a negative answer: “Let’s not eat lunch today!”

What it is . Behavior when a child does not, under any circumstances or arguments, deviate from its original decision, even if it is no longer beneficial or harmful to it.

How manifest. Stubbornness is different from perseverance. It’s one thing when a child really wants sweets, and in every way he tries to get permission from his parents for an additional portion of dessert.

Another thing is when a child is no longer well off from the amount of candy eaten and he literally chokes, but cram the gained supplement into himself. Why?

Because he made the decision, and to retreat means to admit defeat. So the child learns not to give up when you reach the goal.

An example. Mom offers her daughter to play on the playground. The baby refuses and remains on the bench near the house.

At some point other children appear on the playground with new toys. Mom notices the interest of her daughter, and again offers to go to the play area.

But the girl again refuses, although you can see her spoiled mood.

What to do . If the child has made an absurd decision from your point of view – accept it, do not emphasize the absurdity of the situation. Let the daughter go for a walk in sneakers, worn under a magnificent dress. Seeing other children, the baby, perhaps, she herself will understand that the choice of dress was unsuccessful.

And if not, then give her a little time, and then gently offer to wear shorts and a tank top: “Maybe it will be more comfortable for you to ride down a hill and on a bicycle?” Never accentuate: “So it would have been before! I immediately said that you need to dress in comfortable things! ”

What it is . The reaction of denial of the general rules in the family, the daily routine, the conditions of upbringing. It concerns not a particular person, but the whole system of relationships.

How manifest. The kid demonstrates his dissatisfaction with everything that he used to do with pleasure. Favorite games are not encouraging, bathing is annoying, joint family evenings are not carried away.

The child actually opposes himself to the close environment.

An example. Dad habitually calls his son to the garage to put the car together for the night. Previously, the child himself literally pulled his father into the coveted box for the car, and was capricious, not wanting to leave.

But now the kid even gets into a car with tantrums, and bypasses the road to the garage.

What to do . Where it is possible to give the mood of the baby. Do not want to sit at the table with other family members? Do not force or focus on this.

Let him be alone, if so tuned. But most likely, hearing a lively and positive communication in the kitchen, very soon he will decide to join you.

What it is . Behavior in which the child strives to do everything on their own. And often this initiative to act does not correspond to the real possibilities of the child, which becomes the cause of quarrels.

How manifest. The kid wants to “touch” the world, how and what works. He does not need a framework and help. He should himself understand everything, although he imitates the actions of adults.

In particular, to test their own strength and functionality of the body. This is the stage of self-assertion and the emergence of self-love.

An example. My daughter pulls a basin with washed laundry out of my mom’s hands to hang it for drying. It is difficult for a baby to lift heavy wet things, she really does not even reach the dryer.

But she literally parses the desire to do this “adult” work.

What to do . Where situations do not pose a threat to the life and health of the baby, give freedom. Allowing to drive a car, like dad, definitely and categorically impossible.

But it is possible to hang out linen. Let the child fail this action or it will come out clumsy.

Help, but unobtrusively. This will be an experience, interesting and personal.

Well, and stop the work that the kid can actually do on his own, let him be busy.

What it is . Behavior in which the child deliberately provokes conflicts with adults in response to prohibitions and restrictions.

How manifest. The child wants to be on an equal footing with adults, therefore, feeling restrained, begins an emotional war. Specially glowing passion, it shows its own importance, maturity. The kid requires adequate respect, recognition of his self: “Why is everything possible for dad, but not for me?”

An example. Happy girl guilty. Mom punished her daughter, depriving the sweet and fairy tales before bedtime.

The news of the punishment caused a real protest: the little girl prevented adults from having supper, fell to a cry and even pushed her mother.

What to do . Do not allow fists and swearing in response – you are no longer three years. But to explain to the child that his behavior offends mom and dad. Emphasize that the baby is a full member of the family.

But, of course, within reason. Giving him the right to dispose of the budget is not necessary.

But asking permission when you take his stuff is worth it. Give thanks to the child.

Be interested in opinion, consider the preferences of the child. Bans, without which the upbringing can not do, put pressure on the baby. And he needs to “merge” growing anger.

Aggression goes away during physical contact: fight “not really”, arrange a duel on the pillows and let the child “defeat” you.

What it is . Behavior in which the child turns away from his beloved and dear before classes, objects, people.

How manifest. The child understands how much is unexplored around. He wants to know everything at once, but does not work. Such dissonance causes aggression towards accessible things and people who are constantly around.

The kid in every way shows that the previous experience is not interesting for him, it requires new emotions. A child can break their favorite toys, change eating habits, offend adults.

There are even curses in his speech.

An example. Mom asked her son to sit away from the TV, because “his eyes will hurt.” The request was ignored, and the mother had to insist on her more authoritarian. In response, the child ran out of the room with the words: “You are a fool” …

What to do . Introduce your child to new places, situations and people, offer yourself to choose a toy or costume in the store. Create an atmosphere in which the baby will be easier to “settle down” personal expensive things and moments. Chaos can also be tried to stop, but not punishments.

If the child cut a cardboard puzzle, be surprised how smartly he updated the old toy: he made more details that can now be put together. Is the doll torn off or the dress painted?

Is this not a reason to play in the “hospital” or organize a “fashion studio”?

If you have heard unflattering words in your address, invite the child to a “family meeting” and tell him how much it hurt you. You can come up with a new home rule together: “Every day, say nice words to each other three times.” Or give the child the right to choose the “code” word that he will use when he is unhappy or angry.

For example, “crocodile”.

What it is . Powerful behavior when the child is trying to subdue others.

How manifest. The child seeks from the household to satisfy his whims. If you asked for a cartoon instead of a dream, then at night the family will listen to the “concert” until the baby gets his own.

He is sincerely happy when he manages to subdue adults.

An example. Mom is going to work, and the grandmother should look after her son. But the child wants his mother to stay with him.

Realizing that the mother still intends to leave the house, the child locks her in the bathroom, catching a convenient moment.

What to do . In the details – give in. This will allow the child to feel the taste of leadership.

But at the same time give the baby the right to manage his free time. And explain that adults have the same right: you are now on an equal footing. And if the child intentionally and without objective reasons encroaches on the parent “territory”, you need to say a firm “No”.

For example, when a baby is sick and wants it to be the mother, then here, of course, you should postpone all affairs. And if the “little terrorist” just got bored, then feel free to go for a manicure.

The crisis of the baby is difficult for all family members to endure. And if you do not reconsider your relationship with the child, it’s time for the tantrums to drag on for long months.

What should parents do?

The famous pediatrician Yevgeny Komarovsky says that the root of the child’s problem behavior lies in his desire for independence. And advises to adhere to the three pedagogical rules to cope with the disobedience of the baby in general and mitigate the manifestations of the crisis in particular.

  1. “It is impossible” should be enough. In the parents’ vocabulary, the word “It is impossible” should sound extremely rare, but one should demand its unquestioning execution from the child. Then it will be a stop word and a signal to danger. In this case, “You can not touch the plate”, “You can not run out on the road”, “You can not walk in the winter without a hat” will not get lost among the infinite number of other minor prohibitions. The child will be aware of the importance of adhering to “No”.
  2. Single position of education. Mom said: “No!” So, dad should support her and also say: “No!”. Disagreements in the principles of education level parental authority in the eyes of a child.
  3. No means NO. The word “No” also can not be used often. But if you said it, it means that tomorrow it should not be transformed into “Yes.” It is wrong today to forbid a child to touch a papin’s computer, and tomorrow to allow “just not to whine”.

A separate topic of Dr. Komarovsky highlights children’s tantrums. This is a way to manipulate parents.

At such times, the doctor recommends that adults show indifference: smile, leave the room or continue your business.

Of course, it is not easy to be good parents and to properly support the child during the crisis stage. Yes, you have to stock up on soothing teas, patience and … cheat!

Here are ten tips that will tell you how to negotiate with the child.

  1. Play with words. When the baby does not want to wear pants, ask: “Do you want to wear blue or black?” Refuses to swim? Then ask: “We will not swim with a duckling, or will we not take a dolphin with us?”
  2. Be creative. In a situation where a child tries to do something that is beyond his power, invent. Daughter “helps” to wash the dishes? Start the alarm clock: that it will have time to wash it before the signal – it, and then yours.
  3. Do not force – offer and ask. For example, do not pull the child by force from the playground, but ask “to take mother, who is so tired, home”.
  4. Allow me to be wrong. Do not interfere in the personal affairs of the baby until he calls you. Let stuff a couple of cones – it’s HIS mistakes! But it is important: all freedom should end where there is a threat to life or health.
  5. Do not “love” and do not suppress. Do not demand from the child unquestioning obedience – such authoritarianism inhibits the will, self-esteem, inhibits development. But do not make a “king-father” out of a child, fulfilling any desires. Excessive care and care is also harmful: the baby simply will not know how to do without help.
  6. Give reasonable freedom and encourage. Let the child act. Where possible, give freedom and share with it the joy of knowing the new. When prohibitions and punishments are inevitable, do not focus on this. But on the other hand, any success is strongly encouraged, and the impressions of “free” actions are vividly discussed.
  7. Do not compare with others. Other children should not set an example for your baby. Comparing it with peers, you beat on self-esteem. It is better to build a comparison on the successes achieved by the child himself.
  8. Be wiser. Do not break on the scandal or “belt”. Calm and patience – your trump card. The baby is now testing your strength. The absence of a violent reaction will blunt his interest in such experiments.
  9. Love Even when the child is wrong, keep a good attitude. Elementary just stay close: “And in difficult moments, I also love you.”
  10. Have fun together. Now the baby masters role-playing games. Help him. It is through the game in the little man that you can unobtrusively develop good qualities.

How to survive a crisis of 3 years in children will be prompted by the experience of parents who have already passed through this ordeal. On thematic forums, the problem is vividly discussed. Remember that your child in this situation is not the first and not the last.

It’s like baby teeth – it’s painful and for everyone. You do not beat the kid if he is unwell?

You are trying to help. In case of crisis, the same principle.

Support, do not focus attention on the complexities and do not criticize the child’s behavior in the presence of outsiders.

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