In this article I want to share my personal experience. It so happened that the wonderful school years became my nightmare, because in the 5th grade, unexpectedly for myself, I suddenly became the object of persecution from classmates.
It’s no secret that in transitional age children become very cruel. Each class must have one or more victims. What if this difficult role went to your child?
I know about school bullying not by hearsay.
All my life I have been an excellent student, a clever and meek. She studied on only five, she did not drink, did not smoke, did not swear, did not tell vulgar jokes. I was engaged in various circles, wrote poems – parents and teachers of the soul did not bother me. But classmates …
However, they can also be understood. All the time they set me up as an example – of course, it was annoying. Besides, I had COMPLETELY the opposite interesting, and I looked like a black sheep. And who loves the white crows?
In addition, I was unrequited and physically weak. In general, an ideal object.
I don’t remember exactly how it all began – but the harassment lasted for three long years. These were, perhaps, the worst three years in my life, which did not weakly complicate my transitional period, and even brought something to hide – was brought to thoughts of suicide.
BUT: I managed and rehabilitated. In many ways, this is the merit of my mother. And, in part, my own intuition. So, first things first.
Why is this psychological pressure dangerous?
Usually such a nuisance happens to schoolchildren precisely in their transitional age, i.e. when is the formation of the personality and character of a young man.
Thus, there is a very high probability that bad relationships with peers will leave their mark in the form of complexes, mistrust towards people, lack of willpower, confidence and ability to make decisions.
Or, on the contrary, they can cause anger. Both the one and the other extreme negatively affects the further social adaptation of the individual.
How to resist school harassment?
1. Understand the cause-effect relationships.
One of the first and most important factors in successfully overcoming psychological pressure is a clear understanding of cause-effect relationships.
When a teenager finds himself in such a difficult situation, the first question he asks himself is – Why me ?.
Most often, the victim is not to blame. The only fault of such a teenager is that he is clearly different from others. But there are exceptions.
Thus, you first need to answer the question: Have I done something bad to those who are leading the persecution? If the answer is no, then the reason is not the victim. This is a very important position.
The child must understand that he is not guilty in this situation.
His glasses, his scar, his thinness, freckles, acne and so on are not to blame. This understanding will protect against complexes. It is important to give yourself an installation: yes, I have the right to be what I am. I shouldn’t change just to please my classmates.
In this regard, the fact that my best friends were out of school helped me a lot. In addition, they were older. And they accepted me the way I was. It helped to understand that this is not about me.
The reason for the persecution is in the torturers themselves. A full-fledged, self-confident person will NEVER mock someone weaker than him. This is a way of self-assertion and struggle with your own complexes.
This is a very important factor that you have to explain to your child: they mock you, because they are weak. They did not find another way of self-realization, and, tearing you up, they are thus struggling with their own fears. They began to attack you only because they themselves were afraid to be in your place. For this they are worthy of pity.
Yes, this is also the decisive step of overcoming – to replace the feeling of hatred towards the offenders with a feeling of pity. In addition, in some cases, expressed sympathy can be a good weapon.
This is especially true of girls, because boys issues are often solved by a fight. If you say to the torturer: You know, I feel sorry for you. You’re trying to hurt me because you’re scared. Because you yourself – badly – in some cases this may be the end of the conflict, because, stepping on him at the most painful, you discourage you from bullying you.
At least in my case it worked.
Yes, this may seem strange, but the most effective way to counter persecution is to ignore. Offenders need a reaction. Looking for tears. It is necessary that the child ran after them and tried to select his thing.
If you do not respond to offensive words and pushes – the offenders will soon get bored. So shutter speed, shutter speed and shutter speed again.
The first time ignore is not easy. It is difficult to remain silent when everything inside is boiling with righteous indignation, but believe me, it’s worth it. Do not respond to offensive nicknames. Do not snap at rudeness. Do not try to take away your stuff. Then offenders will quickly lose interest.
I was often taken a case, briefcase or hat, waiting for the appropriate response. I answered with a bored look, saying: When you play enough, you will return to the place, okay ?. At first, this caused a gloating laugh, but in the end, everything happened in my opinion: after playing, the thing was thrown around my desk or on one of the neighbors.
Also, precisely because of the total ignore, none of the offensive nicknames cling to me.
3. Never show that you hurt.
Another very important and very difficult step. Those who started the persecution should not see the tears of the victim. Never.
Of course, the first thing you want at this moment is to cry. And you can cry and even need – this is a great way to relieve stress. But no one should see this.
Therefore – to endure. If absolutely unbearable, ask for leave in class, go to the toilet and cry there. For example, I went to cry in school gaderob. On the way home or at home. But never – in front of their tormentors.
If they don’t see how hard the teenager endures the harassment, they will soon lose interest, since such a process will not cause moral satisfaction, for the sake of which the harassment was started.
Yes, to control oneself is very difficult, but it is worth it.
4. Do not complain to teachers.
The fact that teachers do not interfere does not mean that they do not see anything. Teachers understand that their intercession can only harm the adolescent more.
Therefore, no matter how difficult, to complain to the teachers – it is impossible. First, it is a manifestation of weakness, which in this situation is unacceptable. Secondly, sneaky in a teenage environment do not like even more than the white crows.
It is possible to seek protection from teachers, but in another way – to remain with them at recess. Ask questions about homework or any things of interest. Of course, in the presence of a teacher, no one would bully a child.
5. Parents should not interfere.
The worst thing that a parent can do in such a situation is to intervene, to seek justice for offenders through their parents. Such a teenager just will not be forgiven and the persecution, which could end very quickly, will stretch for many, many years.
Yes, it is very difficult to look at what is happening from the outside and not interfere, but you have to do it. For the sake of your child.
In this case, you need to explain to a teenager that you are on his side. And, if that, he can count on you. What you do not interfere, not because you do not care, but because you know: if you stand up for him – it will get worse.
Let your child know that you are aware of what is happening and are always ready to listen. That will be quite enough.
I often cried at my mother’s lap. she stroked my hair and said: Well, if you want, I will call Dasha / Katy / Sasha’s mother ?. I, of course, did not allow. But the very fact that Mom asks, was enough for me to hold on.
6. Being angry at yourself.
Yes, strange as it may sound, anger also helps. I’m not talking about self-hatred, but about sports anger, thanks to which people even get up from a wheelchair.
This message sounds like this: Why do I let these people ruin my life? Why should I care what they think of me?
To someone, this anger comes on its own, in someone it is worthwhile to spur.
It was this anger that helped me get on my feet in due time. It was already after the slack in the form of thoughts of suicide. At some point, I woke up and realized that I almost reached the point that I was ready to ruin my life.
And all because of what? Due to the fact that notorious classmates play volleyball in my favorite pencil case ?! There was a click in my head, I got angry and realized that I would not allow anyone else to ruin my life.
When they stopped feeling my reaction even on a psychological level, they left me alone.
Another very useful thing in dealing with the consequences of school bullying is the ability to escape from reality at least for a while and unload – mentally and morally.
Absolutely any hobby will suit for this purpose: collecting, reading, sports, dancing – anything that will allow to occupy leisure time.
Often hounded teenagers find their idols among musicians and actors. Do not interfere with this. The teenager relies on his idol, as a crutch, and, plunging into his biography, briefly forgets about his own problems.
In addition, successful stories often contain clues to overcome difficulties. In his idol, a teenager gains support and a friend, and this makes him stronger.
So it was in my situation. And I am very grateful to my mother for supporting my hobby: she allowed me to hang out photos, listen to music, let me buy books.
It was since I acquired my hobby that I really didn’t care about my classmates and what they thought of me. And for that I began to respect.
Thus, at the beginning of the eighth grade, the persecution was completely abolished. We began to communicate normally with those who previously pressed me (at the level of pure formalities, of course).
And we even made friends with some of the instigators in senior classes, when they finally dealt with their own complexes.
They disliked me to the end, but they began to respect me. Up to the point that the class in the 10th was first invited to collective drunkenness. I, of course, refused, but this was an indicator of my complete unconditional victory.
So the last tip. Which I can give: no need to seek approval, you need to seek respect.
I sincerely hope that my life experience will help someone.
And what do you think about this? Share it!