Becoming a mother, I unwittingly began to pay attention to people with children around. To notice their behavior and attitudes, the style of conversation and the roles of parents and children in their interaction.
Therefore, taking into account my experience, observations and knowledge about how parents and children can develop from the point of view of affection, I can write some tips that may help parents find their own way of dealing with children.
If there is a tantrum in the store or on the street with a wallow on the floor – try to concentrate on the fact that the child at this moment is bad and he only needs support. When a child cries – even if it seems to be unnatural, then he has an inner need for support at this moment.
And when a child is ill, he is unable to perceive and hear what you are telling him about behavior. Parenting is better to postpone for a more peaceful time. It is also important to understand the cause of the hysteria, it can be a trivial hunger or fatigue, and a toy that cannot be bought is just a trigger for a splash of emotions.
When you observe people, you will realize that, in their bolsheftve, they are more engaged in themselves and their feelings than you and your kind and decency. There are bored people who strive to shame someone, but then you are no longer a little girl, so that you are ashamed of the fact that your son is a completely normal child with uninspired and unbroken feelings.
He fights and call names!
Our children grow up and learn to express their feelings and emotions in ways that are acceptable to us. And we can teach them that too. But do not wait for instant results. It is better to patiently suggest crumpling and throwing pieces of paper, soft toys into furniture and walls, splashing water in a basin with your hands while sitting in a bathroom (for crumbs), beating a pear or kicking a ball at the moment of aggression.
Each child has a different way of merging anger due to frustration. My daughter comes to run and growl, while my nephew likes to crumple and throw paper. But they both love to throw stuffed toys.
It is important to remember that a child is angry at a situation that cannot be changed, even if the ban was voiced to him by you. He is angry at something that does not work, and not specifically at you, even when he says: Go away, mother, you are bad, I will kill you !.
Be generous with your child, because you can let him not want something or be upset … or not? After all, he is so weak and defenseless, and you are big and having power over him.
Adaptation to a situation that a child cannot change occurs through tears, because it is important to help him find his tears of futility. Tell him about the feelings that he feels: You are angry because you can not buy a machine and very upset because of this. Then the child begins to move to sadness and tears. This is the time to regret it.
Indeed, it is a pity that it is impossible to buy the typewriter that he so wants. Because there is no money for it, there is no more space to store toys, or because you decided so for some other weighty reason for you.
It is important to put down the boundaries of what is permissible and let tears of futility cry in their loving hands.
He does not listen to me
– And should?
– Of course, I am his mother!
It is worth thinking about the purpose for which you gave birth to this child. Different, of course, there are goals. Someone is eager to continue, someone provides old age, and someone may eventually perceive the child as a faithful friend.
But the life of a child is one. And it would be worthwhile to live it the way the child wants, not the parents. Of course, during my childhood, such a goal was somehow complicated and incomprehensible to most. It’s so good, when children are comfortable and always obedient, it is so captivating.
But a person who grows and can express his potential inherent in him will be truly happy and internally free. For me, this goal is worth my efforts in a more unusual way. And sometimes children and the truth may be disobedient, because they are individuals, with their needs.
But with good relations with their parents, they try to be good for them, and therefore it will be easier with them.
I lead him to a psychologist, he is unbearable, – as my friend said about her 3.5 year old son. But what can a psychologist do with this baby if the mother is sure that her son needs to be redone to become silky? I’m afraid the psychologist will only disappoint her. After all, children have no problems, they are in the heads of their parents.
If you do not have a specific context in the relationship, there is no good affection, then the child will not want to be good for you.
He still hangs on me, even in the toilet ..
Children are born very dependent on adults, because otherwise they simply will not survive. And so it is conceived by nature, because a woman cannot carry a one-year-old child like during a pregnancy in the stomach. Here are the kids and get intimacy, care. At the same time, the neural connections in the child’s brain become stronger.
It’s difficult to spoil a child’s love, but overworking can be harmful. Attachment and good relationships with children do not happen much. If a child hangs on you, it means or something bothers him (both on the physical and psychological level) or he is afraid of losing you, and therefore does not feel safe and secure, does not feel a stable connection with you.
What to do? Just nourish the child with their attention, care, love. Doing things together, my mother’s hobby, just having fun together, cuddling, feeding from a spoon if he asks, and going to the toilet together too, is also quite realistic.
My sensitive daughter ceased to need my presence everywhere for about 3 years, and it was thought that the end and the edge would not be a joint toilet trip :-).
Relatives refuse to sit with my child, because he is a baby
Yes, and it happens. My husband refused to sit with his daughter for precisely this reason. Now, at 3.5 years old, her daughter is still nursing, but he stays with her. My husband and I had problems in our heads, and not with my daughter, definitely.
I heard about cases when grandmothers put mothers before an ultimatum: either they only sleep in a wheelchair and I take a walk, either I will not help, or teach them to fall asleep myself, or do not ask for anything. I can say that if 2 parties want, they will find a middle ground.
But do not sacrifice the needs of the child for the sake of anyone’s amenities. The inconveniences are temporary – and a mentally healthy person is much more important.
Do not rush – the engine will not run away, and you can kill the natural curiosity
If you do not have a goal to make the child a reader from the Guinness Book of Records, then you should not teach him to read until there is interest. It is not necessary to implant knowledge, it is better to provide the child with the conditions for learning new things around him, and there he himself will someday be interested more in what he likes.
Let your child’s brain grow to reading, playing the piano, skating, drawing, walking, speaking, and many other things. Then knowledge will not evaporate, there will be no feeling of wasted time, but only joy in connection with the new skill. Yes, and resistance to a particular type of occupation may not arise.
Appreciate relationships, not behavior
If you value the child’s behavior, then you can, of course, train him and show people how he reads the rhyme on the chair on the chair. And then they also complain about his bad behavior.
And you can reckon with the fact that the little man needs your attention, joint exercises, hugs, a kind word, sometimes just a look filled with love, and not with irritation or hatred.
After all, you are his support and hope, his BASE, with which he sets off to explore the world and where he returns again to a safe, cozy nest for replenishing energy (food, sleep, love, care, support).
Then, it is likely that your life will gain a clear focus in raising children, and you will not give up just because it is embarrassing for people to behave in a child or you have difficulty living childish tears of futility.
Intuition is our all
What I learned, mainly, is that if you listen to your inner voice, do not hammer it into a corner with a loud bass of reason and logic, then you will be able to provide your child with exactly the atmosphere that will be most favorable for his growth and development.
Only you can feel your child better than others. A maternal intuition is to be trusted.
P.S. If the situation gets out of your control, release it (if it is not life threatening). More important is your peace of mind for making the right decision, as well as a calm atmosphere in the family for the favorable development of the child.
And yes, questions and disputes welcome!