When the situation with the further stay of our dad in the family became extremely clear, I wondered how now to build a strategy for communicating with my child on the topic “Where is the dad?”. At first, everything was decided quite simply. Since dad works in the evening shift – dad is at work.
But when, on the 23rd of February, the child demanded the presence of the father at home to give him a postcard, which they did in the kindergarten, I clearly felt that the child had long understood and it was time to think about what to tell about the father.
Variants of stereotype behavior
First of all, the great-grandmother who so madly loved my husband was otchitana and built to the fullest extent, and now with the same passion she lamented about its duplicity. She did not just wail, but asked the child a leading question and immediately gave her comments about who the dad was and what a villain he was.
My child looks very similar to his father. My daughter got only hair color and lip shape. Now, maybe she will not so keenly perceive such conversations, but when she becomes more mature, what will she look in the mirror and see in herself so much from a scoundrel?
It would be possible, of course, to fantasize on the theme of a father-hero, as before in Soviet times. But how this can end is well illustrated in the movie Moscow does not believe in tears. Yes, and our dad did not evaporate, and went into the category of Sunday.
The next step was a trip to a child psychologist. As explained to me, children in such situations often blame themselves (I am so bad, so my dad left me), or my closest person — mom (you are so bad). So far, it seems to me, a 4-year-old child has not grown to such conclusions, but has included prevention in conversations.
Of all the possible options, I decided to stop at the simplest. Be honest. After all, the truth is always easy to tell, and you will not get lost in it. But I tell the truth in the formulations the child understands and in the dose that the child’s mind is capable of perceiving.
The same psychologist advised to resort to the help of fairy tales. Tell, for example, how three squirrels lived in one hollow, and then one of them decided to live in another hollow. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to clarify now that in that new hollow she lives with another squirrel. This can be later, if necessary.
Therefore, now for a sudden question (usually it is asked just suddenly) Where is Dad ?, I answer honestly about the situation: at work, if at this time he should be there, or at home, or I don’t know. When it comes – on Sunday. Usually these short and clear answers of the child completely satisfy.
Of course, further it is necessary to argue more seriously, to explain why the Pope has another house, why he will not live with us, and also to negotiate with the original source so that our explanations do not contradict each other. The main thing is not to hurt the child, but to teach you with your own example of tolerance and forgiveness. Although the last I myself have not yet come.
It seems to have missed nothing in resolving the issue. Or is there something to add?