I go to visit the neighbors, talk to the hostess, her four-year-old son is suitable to ask my mother something. Mom’s look falls on the boy’s feet:
– Where are your slippers? Get a shoe
Five minutes, the son is again in sight of mom.
– Vitalik! Ta-apki-i! – mom’s voice gets firmness. A few more minutes – and again a reminder of slippers.
I ask the neighbor why she is so concerned about slippers. The reason is really solid: the apartment on the ground floor, drafts, the child often catches cold, but the sneakers on their feet do not hold, and the mother reminds the boy hundreds of times a day.
Why does he not pay attention to her mother’s reminders and her demands turn into a shaking of air?
Who controls the situation
Let’s take this situation as an analogy. You go with a guide through the city, do you remember the route that you are taken?
Affirmative, most likely, will answer a small number of people. Indeed, why take control of the situation, if there is a special person in charge of it.
Parents – the same unshakable controlling authority. Of course, there is a need to control a small child, because he is still not able to fully appreciate the dangers he faces, but if this control is permanent without transferring responsibility to the child, he will not need to take it on himself.
Very often parents make the same mistake: first, for a long time, figuratively speaking, they take the child by the hand, and then abruptly throw it away. And this is very similar to the wild way of learning to swim, when a person who does not know how to swim is thrown into the water to the depth. Of course, the instinct of self-preservation will make a person flounder, but no one can guarantee that a person will not drown.
How to transfer responsibility and teach independence
So, how should the transfer of responsibility for their own safety, health, life eventually take place?
The simplest example is learning how to cross the road correctly. While the child is small, a sensible mother does not just take his arm across the street, but also explains how to do it to prevent danger.
Keep in mind that the child remembers her mother’s explanations, but if she continues to lead him by the hand, the control will remain behind her, and all the words about the danger will sound like background noise, as in the case of slippers.
So, we need to go to the next stage in time: independent actions without my mother’s hand, but with my mother’s support. Approaching the road, the mother tells the child that today he will try to cross the road himself and repeats with him everything he has to do and what to pay attention to.
Mom stays on one side, and the child under her supervision makes the transition. It is very important to praise the child and once again concentrate on the important points: I liked that you carefully looked at the traffic light, noticed … and so on.
The third stage: control from the side. You tell the child that now he can do everything on his own, and you trust him. Release him just before the intersection, but watch him so that he does not see. If everything is done correctly, you can transfer responsibility to him completely.
Indirect influence is more effective than direct
But here is the case with slippers, you say. Here it is not obvious to the child that sneakers save him from cooling his feet, but he likes to go barefoot. And is there really a definite logical connection between colds and bare sneakers? Maybe it’s easier for mother to say a hundred times about sneakers, what to do to temper the child?
Well, so if sneakers for mom are so principled, but it’s definitely not worth repeating about them like a parrot. Indirect influence is much more effective than direct.
Explain to the child why you need sneakers, give convincing arguments about his health, and then you can say that from tomorrow you will no longer remind him of slippers, let him be following … teddy bear, for example.
Play in the evening with a teddy bear, ask him if his son went in slippers, listen to the answer. The bear appears, says that the boy forgot about slippers. Convince the bear that he will try to remember this.
Change incentives. A reminder can be a placard with crying slippers and the words:
We are again in the middle of the room,
You fuck us, because we are good.
Read these words to the child, talk about the fact that sneakers are sad without his legs, they want to take care of him.
In general, do not be bore, be somewhere serious, but somewhere creative. In the end, your child will grow up an independent and responsible person who can take care not only of himself, but also of loved ones, without depriving them of their personal space.