When I divorced my husband, I decided for myself that I would not interfere with their communication with my daughter, much less set her against her father. After all, papa, as I supposed, cannot be. At the time of our divorce, Ksyusha was 4 and a half years old.
I understood well that children at this age are already quite intelligent individuals who know much more than it seems to us, adults. And I understood that the news that we are divorcing can be a real blow for Ksyusha.
As I told my daughter about divorce
Deciding on a divorce, I studied a huge amount of different literature and psychologists’ advice on how to explain the crumbs, why we no longer live with dad. However, nothing but hackneyed truths, I could not find. I had to be guided by my intuition.
The first thing I told my daughter is that my dad will live in another place. Of course, the girl was very surprised by this. To her question Why? I honestly answered that we constantly fight with dad when we live together. As a rule, Ksyusha does not make sense to lie, as she, like any other child, very subtly feels the slightest falsehood.
However, to tell in detail, what a scoundrel and a scoundrel (well, of course, we women are always right), her dad, I also did not. The baby, due to her age, is still not able to understand everything, and I did not want to load her psyche with unnecessary and negative information.
However, everything was not so simple. Say about the divorce, of course, I said. But, seeing her frightened and surprised little eyes, I hurried to reassure her that my father would often come to visit. And I also promised return visits to her. Although it didn’t give me the slightest pleasure to see my ex-husband every night, I put up with it for the sake of Ksyushin’s calm.
Father visits for the first time after a divorce
After that, I talked to my husband, asking him for the first time every night to come to my daughter. Thus, the child creates the illusion of the constant presence of the Pope. However, these visits should be gradually reduced – first, the dad’s stay, and after – the frequency of his visits.
Of course, the first few days, when my father began to miss the evening visits, my daughter was very worried about this and waited for him at the door for a long time. Often I was rescued by a mobile phone – I dialed the number of my ex-husband and gave the phone to my daughter. After that, Ksyusha instantly calmed down.
Thus, the withdrawal of a daughter from living together with her dad proceeded smoothly, and her psyche adapted to changes gradually. Six months have already passed since the divorce, but my daughter still often remembers her father. However, these memories are completely natural and painless.
If dad refuses to come to the child
Of course, a similar way of adapting a child to a new marital status is suitable only for those families that have managed to part on a civilized note and who have retained the ability to negotiate. If the pope categorically refuses to come to the child, or his visits may threaten the mental and physical health of the crumbs, Mommy will have to act in another way.
It is very difficult to say exactly which way – without having experienced it. The main thing that needs to be remembered is that in most cases, having learned about the divorce of parents, children begin to blame only themselves for this. Talk regularly with a crumb, repeatedly convincing him that this is not so. You do not want to grow a person suffering from a permanent complex of guilt?
Or is it still not the end? Of course, I understand perfectly well that time will pass, and I will nevertheless have to explain to my mature daughter the true reason for the divorce. However, today Ksyusha is an ordinary happy child who is firmly convinced that both his mother and father love him. And it does not matter that dad does not live with us!
Every mother should focus on her child and do what she thinks is the most correct. One thing is for sure – there are former husbands. But papa is no ex, no matter what he is!