When people find out that I’m just raising a child, they react differently. I do not wear a wedding ring and do not answer questions about where my husband has gone (and whether he was at all). Not because it hurts or offensively, I just don’t see any reason to talk about something that no longer exists.
So everyone is free to give the freedom of his imagination and to think everything, anything – gave birth outside marriage, divorced, widowed – who likes what more. Therefore, someone regrets, someone purses his lips with disgust (well, young people!), Someone slyly smiles – they say, she could not hold back. And someone asks: probably hard to be alone?
Heavy. But not at all for the reasons that usually suggest.
What is necessary for me, like air, and almost impossible for several years now, is the opportunity to be alone, to disconnect from thoughts about the child. Elementary – remove for a moment the mask of the almighty and relax, stop being always ready for the troubles of a taut string.
Sometimes it seems to me that I will go crazy with this constant maaaam, well maaaaam. . Especially when another brilliant thought occurred to me, but it was impossible to keep it and at the same time understand what the child wants from me.
Our grandmother lives on the other side of the country, I don’t have friends in a new city, but babysitters … I don’t trust people much, and I know my child. This shilopik is able to find trouble in an empty room, covered with soft rims. Therefore, to withdraw into yourself, to switch to something else completely – a cherished, but not yet realized, desire.
Frustrating the inability to visit places that really want to visit, but the child is not the place. Soon, a rock festival, an anime festival and in general many interesting events will take place not far from us.
But I will not be able to visit them, because dragging a child to the campsite, where there will be (surely) a certain proportion of drunken people and loud music is too selfish. When the daughter is a little older, we will certainly begin to attend such events. But not now. 4 years is too early for such an environment and in general for such large-scale events.
Bars where smaller events take place – again, not for children. And the time of their holding is such that it’s time for children to sleep, and not walk around the hot places.
On the other hand, constantly have to visit places that I do not like. Playgrounds, for example. For me there is too noisy, too much movement and, of course, I have to visit them during the daytime – and the southern bright sun kills me. No, I’m not a vampire, but at 30 degrees I dream to live in the fridge. Moreover, in the bright sun my eyes hurt, and here no glasses save.
Again, children often have to go shopping. During the season, the daughter wears off two or three pairs of shoes. All these fittings and I want, I do not want to annoy me. Basically, because one cannot believe the words of my beauty about whether it is comfortable in shoes, the child’s fantasy works in such a way that all science fiction writers will be envious.
That she is all good – and the foot walks, then the dragon fingers bite. And even if the shoes are sitting perfectly, at the last moment you can just balk: I don’t want it, the bow is the wrong color!
And all this without mentioning the daily testing of nerves. For example, by choosing an ice cream, she can change her mind after the check is stamped, then again – when they left the store, and, of course – when the ice cream was opened.
But the biggest problem is the feeling of inferiority.
Once I thought that my child would be engaged in a variety of sections, so to speak, try everything, and then choose what they like. But Samomas simply have no such opportunity. And the matter is not only in the payment of all these circles, but also in time.
It takes a lot of time to take a child to classes, and this is a big blow to work. The choice of vacancies with a free schedule is not so wide.
The fact that I cannot give the child everything that I would like, I cannot deal with him as often as necessary, and I cannot disconnect from the hammer that beats in my head, I have to earn money, I have to pay – this is what spoils my Day and makes me less happy than I could be. It is this, and not the absence of a piece of metal on a finger or a third toothbrush in the bathroom.