Recently, information came about that almost every mother has thoughts about the death of her child at the stage from his birth and about half a year. Not the fear that he will die, but something like it would be better if he died. And then I fell like a stone from the soul.
As it was with me
The fact is that some similar, but not completely worded thoughts arose with me. Nobody told me in details what the first days with a newborn child are, so I was absolutely not morally ready for them.
Permanent crying, sleeping in fragments for a couple of hours, attachment to a child, because of which you can not only eat something human, but even cope with basic needs. Mom should be there all the time.
And even when close is not a guarantee that the crying will subside. Especially when there was a period of colic. You swing a child in your arms for an hour or two, but he does not fall asleep. Unlike you. And you perceive any crying at your own expense – all these tears of a child are only for mom.
In order not to shout in response to a child who would be frightened by a scream and would cry even more, went into the kitchen to whine softly. But the husband came with his daughter in his arms and reproached that he would never throw a screaming baby.
Sometimes the cry and crying stopped, mostly during sleep. Then she approached the crib, listened to the breath: breathing or not. And I caught myself thinking that it was not yet known what would please me more.
I looked at the child on the dashed line of life. And somehow everyone expected that the torments of hell would soon end. But still it was an unconscious feeling. Although sometimes they were transformed into quite specific formulations: But she may die, and it will become easier for me.
And then it became really scary. I considered myself a monster, which has no right to even be called a mother. At that time, I came to the conclusion that it is generally contraindicated for me to have children with such an unstable psyche. I am completely nutty, and having a second child is a crime against the human race.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I listened to one videotape, where a woman psychologist cited as an example the case of women with babies and thoughts that swarm among these women in their heads. It turns out that such frightening thoughts visit every mother, but mothers are so afraid of these thoughts that they are not recognized by anyone.
As an example, the woman cited her case when she could not soothe the screaming child for a long time, being a guest. She went to the balcony so as not to disturb others. And there, looking from the height, I thought: and if you throw him down now, it will immediately become easier. Realizing this thought, she immediately left the balcony.
In general, I knew in hindsight that there was nothing reprehensible in my reactions and thoughts. The psyche cannot work for a long time on the limit, as, indeed, the organism itself. Therefore, protective reactions to prolonged intense stress are included. These thoughts are just such reactions and are.
The first thing that the body wants to do in such a situation is to isolate itself from the source of stress, to eliminate it. Therefore, the brain is simply in search of solutions. Naturally, the simplest ones come first.
The main thing is that thoughts do not develop into concrete actions. And to reproach yourself for such ideas in your head is to drive yourself even more into a corner.
Do you know this situation?