Главная 7 Child development 7 You’re wrong! “(If mom and dad are arguing)

You’re wrong! “(If mom and dad are arguing)

You're wrong!

On the question of punishment in the family, rarely anyone gives a truthful and serious answer. Although everyone does not even have a favorite method, but his own system.

Usually it does not include the techniques traditionally applied to children, but there are other, no less effective and age-appropriate. Do not send an adult uncle “to sit in his room and think about the behavior” for the fact that he forgot about the birthday of mother in law. Just because it is not a punishment for him.

Lie down in silence, esteem, sleep. And the main principle of punishment is to make a person at least a little worse than it could be if he had not committed an offense. To feel and no longer do.

Punishment as a measure of exposure is part of the waiting mechanism. We show the person what we want from him and what will happen if we do not receive it.

They are in any relationship – family, friendly, professional. Family punishments are in many ways exemplary for a child.

They show that it is necessary to forgive, and what to treat in principle. How to behave if the views on actions differ and at the same time fail to agree.

Think about it the next time you slam the door and announce to someone that you no longer wish to communicate … or what do you usually do there?

This is the most common method. And, probably, the most adequate, if we talk about adult relationships. Made a comment, expressed their attitude to what is happening, said why it was not like.

Everything is in words, albeit with emotions. The scenes of such punishments are not dangerous for children to see (unless, of course, parents follow expressions), and sometimes it is useful. The child becomes accustomed to the fact that there is nothing wrong with raising his voice and his complaints, and he develops the correct opinion about his own misdeeds.

All people make mistakes, sometimes they do not behave as expected. Dissatisfaction with loved ones does not mean the loss of their love. We can and should say what we think in such situations.

Such truths should be learned by the child, observing and hearing parental proceedings. And he will learn, unless there is too much censure in the family. “My husband is a straight man, principled. As they say all our friends, “correct.”

Initially, that’s why I loved him. However, over time, it turned out that correctness is an ambiguous feature.

None of my mistakes went unheeded. Even about the fact that the table was wiped with the wrong cloth, he arranged … not quarrels, of course, but teachings. Not the products bought.

Not in that store. Wrong with the staff on the phone talk.

Not in that tone with my mother say. The strangest thing is that for the most part there was always something right in his remarks. He also raised the child (that is, scolded and made remarks) continuously.

In the end, I could not stand it. Now we live alone, for three years.

I enjoy freedom. And every time before going to my dad I set up my daughter so that she would not react much. ” Punishments (any) should not be frequent.

Otherwise, they cease to be taken seriously as punishment, and become simply a way of everyday communication. And far from his best option.

Constant tension, demanding tone, readiness to notice any mistakes of others – all this deprives the home environment of peace and relaxation.

You're wrong!

Some people think that it’s indecent to swear openly. What to make a complaint, to talk about their feelings – below human dignity.

That heightened tone is a sign of excessive simplicity. Such people punish others by suggesting guilt feelings and are very proud of this skill.

After all, in fact it is not easy. It is necessary to watch your emotions very well, not to talk a lot, not to blame openly.

At the same time, it is necessary to show with all your appearance what kind of pain (suffering, disappointment) you are experiencing. And this should continue for a long time: what sense to instill in you a feeling of guilt, if after an hour you already announce that you have forgiven

It is necessary to ensure that the guilty understand, realize and deserve forgiveness by their actions. In the home, people with this type of behavior are usually quiet. Calm psychological situation can not be called, of course.

A whole complex of emotions (insult, confusion, regret, guilt consciousness, irritation) is formed, and it is felt by everyone, even by visiting friends and relatives. But if adults can somehow understand for themselves what is going on, then children literally become hostages of parental problems. “In my school essay“ Family Weekend, ”I wrote that at the weekend we are very quiet.

Even now, remembering childhood, I feel this silence. Even if we were all in the same room or at the table, all the same, everyone was silent.

Dad sometimes commented on the film or offered to drink tea, but mom didn’t even answer. In general, did not always respond to his words.

I did not think about why this was so then, just waited for the weekend to end. Now I know that my mother could not forgive my father for treason.

What kind of relationship they have now, do not really understand. But I myself just can not stand the silence.

I’m ready to do anything, so that no one is so offended and silent. ” A long-term situation, when someone feels guilty, causes unconscious anxiety in children.

Disturbed clarity of the picture of the world. Everyone seems to be behaving as usual, but still something happens. It is not clear what will happen next.

If the feeling of guilt is actively maintained – hints, direct reminders, explanation of your actions (“Do you reproach me for not wanting to support? And remember what you did when I needed support!”), Then emotionally it is not so hard.

But gradually the burden of mutual insults, claims, clarifications, who has done worse to whom, becomes too great. Children from such families learn very well how to manipulate guilt feelings. And the forces begin to try on the parents themselves.

The child will not just insist on his convincing. He will say that no one loves him, the most recent of the kindergarten is taken, always punished. And if it does not help, it will not even talk.

Of course, parents can still not give what he asks. But they will have at least some feeling of guilt.

You're wrong!

With respect to children, this method is very effective. Perhaps that is why it is often carried on adults. However, it’s one thing to tell the child: “You behaved very badly, and therefore we will not go to the zoo and buy sweets,” and another is to find something to punish a person who is able to go to the zoo and buy everything he wants, on his own .

Therefore, in practice, most often deprived of their communication. Not at all, but one side of it. For example, the wife has always helped her numismatist husband to deal with his collection, she went to exhibitions.

And now announced that she has her very important affairs. Or a husband, who believes that his wife has not politely entered with his family, also demonstrates neglect and leaves home just at the time of the visit of his wife’s relatives. Or someone from a couple takes their pillow every night and goes to sleep in another room.

Such punishments usually do not last long. In addition, the usual communication is maintained throughout the rest.

This makes it easier for adults to reconcile, and children may not notice anything at all. Except for those cases when, as punishment, adults deprive each other of communication with the child.

Most often this happens after a divorce or a major quarrel with temporary separation. “When parting, we agreed that participation in the child’s life would be joint. But when I heard that my ex-husband was going to marry again, I decided that I could manage it myself. I do not want my son to feel odd in their new family.

Besides, to be honest, I was hurt that he so quickly found his girlfriend. It seems like he did not hold at all.

And the next weekend, I just did not let the child visit my dad. The next time, the husband came himself and, taking the child, also did not return him to me.

He also talked nasty things about me. I was mad.

Previously, one had to be a good father, but not now, to organize a presentation before his new passion. In general, it came to court. Actually, I myself am not happy that it all started.

It would be possible to solve everything peacefully. And now the child before each trip to the father asks: “And what can I tell him?”

Communication with a child sometimes punishes their parents, that is, grandparents. Often this is a way to show how strong your resentment was. Punish for what was a very long time. “I don’t remember something that in my childhood you wanted to take care of children.

So it’s hard to believe that you are missing your granddaughter now. ” Children who find themselves in such conditions often simply do not know how to behave.

Especially if they themselves love both that and the other person. They feel pity and guilt at the same time, and they themselves feel punished. All the time, when faced with conventions, contradictions, they become accustomed to dual, insincere behavior.

In the future, such a child may have troubled, conflicting relationships with parents. Unable to resolve for themselves their dispute “With whom to be?”, He was removed from all.

And this, of course, is too much payment for adult offenses and punishments.

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