Despite the fact that the type of children described is rarely found in nature, we can significantly improve our relationship with our child and it will be easier to find a common language with the head of the pupsies.
In an effort to correct the child’s behavior and make him obedient, we often do not just ineffectively, but also make mistakes that work with the opposite result: a young man in hysterics begins to throw potatoes. Excellent insights explaining what exactly goes wrong gives the study of the approach of the Canadian psychotherapist Gordon Neufeld, in Russia his concept is often called “attachment theory”.
She explains how important attachment-based relationships are for growing up. In fact, the theory of revolution for our culture.
All our customary baggage consists in the conviction that raising a child means to make titanic efforts to correct all the wrong things that he has inside and outside.
We point out mistakes, we report off, we speak with morality, we explain about sluts, bullies and whiners – the usual educational process. In fact, what if he gets used to it, gets accustomed, is spoiled?
It is necessary to specify, explain, direct. Of course, it is necessary.
However, obedience is formed in a completely different way, and all parental instructions fly into the pipe of a toy locomotive if we forget about the main thing: an obedient child is a person who trusts us, wants us to like and feels close to us safe. It is not by chance that reputable psychologists, such as Yu.B.
Gipenreiter, they admit that they prefer the verb “bring up” the verb “raise.” It simply does not contain coercion, which is practically heard in the usual “educate”.
1. We hold responsible for what the child is not ready.
When we demand a four-year-old urgently to get off the rocker, we must take into account that he may not be happy at all. The ability to mix feelings (swings are good, sorry to get off, but mother does not want to upset, ask for a minute to fly) occurs under favorable conditions not earlier than 5-7 years. In the meantime, you just hear how loud “Nooo!
Never! ”Spreads over your neighborhood. It should be borne in mind that as long as a person has not sufficiently developed frontal lobes, he cannot maintain a competent time-management of his stay at the site, cannot control himself when a kitten is carried away, and is not able to predict what will happen if you shake soda hard, then open it over the velvet couch.
Do not demand the impossible – do not deprive the child of support.
2. Strongly we press and cause resistance.
Under the pressure of total control, it is completely natural to resist. Yes, and any person will cry when the grandmother chose him a spoon, a porridge, a bun, a cap, and now she says exactly how to step on the steps. You are thirty years old!
How can. And the child is even worse.
More pressure, more resistance: “I said, put the phone down!”. Putting it in this case is just a defeat. Choose ways to circumvent such situations.
Somewhere you can offer a choice, somewhere to reduce your perseverance, somewhere to translate history into the game: “Surrender, soldier! Hand over the entire arsenal, you are captured! ”.
3. Do not take possession of the attention of the child.
The mother shouted her request three times from the kitchen, and the child was deaf. She sends her fourth message as a furious fury, waving a dishcloth and accusing the surprised child of various mortal sins. There is a very simple trick, due to children’s instincts: if you want a person to stop making a hole in a cowhide drum, just tell him about it, looking into his eyes.
Children are suggestible creatures. You sat down, met the man directly with a look, clearly and calmly repeated your wish, and that’s done.
The likelihood that you will be understood has increased several times at once, compared with the unfortunate method of yelling from the kitchen.
4. We form an alpha complex.
Alpha position is the position of the main one. Normally, of course, the dominant position belongs to an adult, you decide, you care, you feed, you know better. But when the child suddenly decides that he is not safe depending on you, he turns on his own control system – the “alpha complex”.
He takes over the responsibility, makes independent decisions, in general, is out of control. Olga Pisarik, a popularizer of Newfeld’s theory, in the brochure “Attachment is a vital link,” writes that the alpha complex can occur in children who are too early to inculcate the need for independence.
It is probably great that a person can put on his shoes and go for a walk, but if he asks for help, you should not deny the child: it’s not difficult to pull this unfortunate sock. Also, the child can go into a driving position if he feels the fear of separation. Suddenly you go somewhere, and he is small and dependent.
It is much better to be in a disturbing situation, the main thing and jump on the table, no matter what. In general, it is important for the parent not to let go of the steering wheel.
5. We try to influence the child when he is in a protective alienation.
Protective alienation is the child’s instinctive desire to avoid intimacy with you. As the name suggests, the child is thus protected from something painful: insults, divisions, fears, too strong vulnerabilities that begin to threaten as soon as you get together.
It is unlikely that one of the modern parents locks up children in a dark closet, but many manipulate with terrible threats for the child: “Now mother will be offended and leave forever!”, “You will be messing around, uncle the policeman will take you away!” so that my eyes do not see you! ”All these phrases can create the impression that you shouldn’t get used to it very much, little will happen, the police are wandering around again. Make friends with the child.
Try not to hurt him, and when the kid comes out of alienation, you will see what an extremely obedient person he is.
6. We do not see the difference between the whims and the real needs.
It is accepted that the need for food and sleep should be considered the true needs of the child, and all the rest – nonsense. Or vice versa – to assume that the flashing hang glider is the most urgent need of a small family member.
But confusion in this matter can greatly complicate matters. Children have really important needs, and the most important of them is the need to be in contact with a significant adult, to experience feelings of belonging, similarity, love, to be accepted and understood, regardless of some behavior deficiencies. This is a need.
A hang-glider, of course, can be neglected, because next to you there is a person who is so pleased to cry in the collar. It is surprising that a child with a satisfied need for acceptance and love will not lose his head in the children’s section.
7. We issue standard reactions.
In their interaction with children, Russian people have become accustomed to the behavioral, behavioral approach. The Soviet guys were brought up at all under the constant pressure of guilt and shame, one mistake – everything is a bad boy.
Wait, he’s just tore a book. No, shame on him!
The whole Soviet ideology was engaged in educating the new man, reworking the old model into a new, hardened, stable. And now, if you follow the phrases of our responsible and serious grandparents, you can hear: “Aw, how embarrassing, ai, not a good girl!” Fear of rejection and exclusion from school, from October families, was around: “You are not my son more, ”says the mother from E. Nosov’s story, when her schoolchild-son brought home cucumbers from the collective farm field. Obedience was a way of being accepted.
To get out of the box is an unthinkable misconduct. We now have different goals, and the reaction from somewhere in 65 years.
We seem to strive to raise free, self-confident people with unique personal qualities and we know, thanks to modern psychology, that the fear of rejection, rejection traumatizes. But often showing our displeasure, we demonstrate that the child is not good enough for us.
Whenever you want to give out something standard, you need to ask yourself whether something is spoiled in the mechanism of relations with the child.