They are mysterious because, no matter how much you ask, you still will not hear a clear answer to the question “why?”. And you won’t find out why you need to paint like this, in secret, on the wallpaper, while there are excellent paints, five boxes of pencils, albums and a very convenient table.
Although if you distract from the specific situation and your own emotions about this, then remember that you yourself did something similar as a child. But you also had pencils and paints, and there was also no special need to hide your “works” behind the curtain.
The reason for hiding, after all, is so deeply personal, at the level of sensations, that it is really intelligible and cannot be explained. Well, who can say this: “It was nice to press with a pencil on the wallpaper: they are a bit soft and somehow unexpectedly pressed through”, “I closed the curtain, imagined that I was like an ancient hunter in a cave”, “A pen after some time on the wall he ceases to write, and when you shake, he starts again, as if he is listening to you ”!
For any adult, such reasons will not be valid – only for children. Therefore, the situation is exactly repeated from generation to generation: adults are outraged and severely scolded for offense (“Why did you do this?
Do you understand that this is impossible ?! ”), and the child agrees guiltily (“ Yes, I understand, just … it happened so ”). Virtually every family has stories about something izrisovannoe (not necessarily wallpaper, some like clothes, napkins or tablecloths more), rugged, torn off, severed … In most cases this is not a serious problem, except that parents will have to spoil it. scrub, reassemble or simply throw away.
If the damage to things is done regularly, there is a reason to think: apparently, the child has a need that he cannot satisfy otherwise.
“On the top drawer I saw a small chip. At first she did not pay attention – well, maybe it was damaged during the assembly, and then she began to notice that he was becoming more and more – as if the mice were biting.
I ask Maxim. Replies: “I do not know.
Maybe the truth of the mouse. This is what confused me. After all, he is afraid of mice – he always listens to rustles in the country, crawls under the covers.
And here the table stands next to his bed – and he is completely calm. Something is not right here. To solve the secret happened only in the spring.
Snow melted, and under our window – a whole bunch of pencils broken in half. The whole box is two hundred pieces. He pinched them with a drawer so that it was easier to break and make it look like a machine.
I even felt ashamed to tell my friends about this episode – this is some kind of inappropriate behavior. Then there were no rulers in the house, and when I removed the table when cleaning, I was horrified: there was no wallpaper behind it – they were simply stripped of a whole sheet!
When asked why he did it, the son said: “There is still not visible, but it is very easy to pluck. Do you want to show? ”Inna, Maxim’s mother, 5 years
Preschool children begin to feel full grown up. And they are so glad of this feeling that they strive to show adulthood literally in everything: to participate in the discussion of plans, to choose their activities, to make decisions, to create something themselves. Most parents have dual attitudes towards such manifestations of independence.
On the one hand – “well, well done, very big”, and on the other – “in my opinion, you are not doing your own business.” For example, parents are not against the creative activity of the child, they always admire if he comes up with a new game, but they don’t really like when asking questions about family relations. Restrictions in one area tend to increase independence in another.
If there are too many restrictions and any manifestation of independence is stopped and condemned, then children intuitively find one of the safest ways of adult behavior – to transform things.
Why does he seem safe? Because to make a forecast for the future, children at this age are just learning.
They live for the most part on the “here and now” principle, experiencing everything directly. The child, of course, may assume that the broken thing will be detected, but does not perceive it dramatically.
And besides, it is not broken at all – just this spring in the old watch was slightly visible and had to be fixed. Now everything is smooth and beautiful, but they stopped for some reason.
Children, about whom they say: “Though not turn away from him – just waiting to spoil something” – these are usually those whose parents have the right to be an adult very much. Most often these are boys – they have a greater need for active transformation of the world, for influencing it.
Even in adulthood, in relation to a variety of life situations, men like to say: “I will break it.” Boys can break and not quite unintentionally, as if checking objects for resistance, and themselves – for strength. This can be dangerous not only for things, but also for the child himself.
It is not known what exactly he wants to change: maybe he will just separate the books from the covers, or maybe the lamp will make out. Talk to your child, ask for his opinion, let us have the opportunity to talk about important events for him and decide something himself.
Let him feel grown up! And from time to time, boys can also break, tear, trample, burn things for real, and not for fun (of course, unnecessary and better under control).
If we simply, without additional explanations, hear that the child breaks and spoils things, then we usually assume that this is due to heightened aggressiveness. However, this is not always the case. Excitement, tense expectation, fear, guilt and many other states also contribute to such pseudo-aggressive actions.
An adult, after being in deep thought, discovers that the document in his hands is torn into thin strips, or, rejoicing, slamming the cabinet door so that all the cups inside fall. Children, too, can have serious thoughts, extreme excitement and the state of “even through the ground have failed”, and their reactions from the age of 5–6 are also quite adult.
The aggressive component is present in them (most active actions have it), but the reason is not aggression as such.
“I went to the first class at the age of six and was the smallest there. The girls were not friends with me – they simply did not notice.
I was very worried and thought how to fix it. I sit once by the window, look at a flower in a pot, then suddenly I took my own name and scribbled my name on it, and then stripped it completely – the paint was leaving very well. After that, I shoved this shabby pot under the cupboard on the balcony so that my mother and grandmother would not be seen.
The poor flower was dried there. I still have such a habit: when I have to think seriously, I start to pick up something, otkovyrivat. And my son is the same: when he worries, he pulls out threads from his clothes.
Once in a kindergarten, he was once sent from a walk earlier than the others to the group – completely wet. So he, while he was sitting in the dressing room, dismissed both mittens tied by his grandmother.
If it happens that we scold him at home or force him to do what he doesn’t want, then there will definitely be some knitted thing with a loose or torn edge (or a completely unwound roll of paper in the toilet). We already calmly relate to such things and joke with each other: “Cyril thought about life, worked with papers”.
We do not scold, of course, but we ironically make it clear that we are not very satisfied. ” Irina, Cyril’s mother, 6 years
These actions tend to children are not very talkative and malokontaktnye, introverts. They do not seek to talk about problems, not out of fear that they will be punished, and not because parents will ignore the story, but simply because of the personality characteristics.
After listening to a scary or not very clear fairy tale, they will not ask: “What really happens?” Or “What happened to them then?” To understand the situation, they need not discussion, but, on the contrary, immersion in themselves and concentration. Often these kids look very calm, balanced. “Damage” of property – the only thing that betrays their experiences.
Secret painting, “trimming” carpets, tablecloths, plant leaves, removing paint from toys, folding sheets in books, and refining illustrations – such is usually the damage done.
Parents, even with all their desire, cannot always find out what the matter is. Nevertheless, it is possible to catch changes in the state of the child, to think about what it is connected with and, possibly, to offer its own solution to the problem.
These can be, for example, walks and contemplation of nature. For introverted natures, such an option is a great way to relax, put your thoughts in order, and think over difficult situations.
But the child will not guess about him for a long time if you do not offer and show. What to do?
Take a walk – but not to the playground where children are worn, but to walk in the park, the square or just outside the house. Consider the leaves, twigs, take them in hand, fold the pattern on the ground or snow – all this will be an excellent skill to work with your own emotions.
It happens that only after years there are things that once suddenly disappeared. Beads, arranged in separate fragments in a plinth or, for example, a dress with a flower carved in the middle behind the cabinet. It is irrelevant to make claims – the child at this moment may be quite adult, but parents still care about the question “how did you keep silent for so long?”.
Yes, he remembered, thought, worried. But to suffer – no, perhaps, I did not suffer much.
The psyche of a child of five and six is very complex. He already knows love and jealousy, feelings of loneliness and superiority.
And the need for experiencing him is the same as that of an adult. It only seems that we need simple relationships and feelings, and in fact we ourselves strive to diversify and complicate everything. As an adult sometimes needs guilt for personal growth, so the child needs it.
As parents experience joy knowing that their ill-wisher is in an unpleasant situation, so are children. But adults more often use verbal means to bring their goal closer, and “materialized” options are available for children.
For example, the boy thinks that his grandmother does not like him very much: he constantly makes remarks, compares with his other grandchildren. One day he takes the grandmother’s perfume, pours half into the sink, adds something from the bottle found in the closet to the bottle, and then makes surprised eyes when the grandmother, perceiving the smell, wonders: “What kind of smell ?!” And remembers her “perfumery” experience whenever the grandmother again wrongly offends him. Such a little secret that makes it possible to equalize the possibilities: you do me badly – and I can too.
Speech in such situations is not necessarily about serious conflicts – even in good relations, adults and children can feel injustice and resentment. Perhaps there are no negative feelings at all – just needed a little “scary” secret, something that you can worry about and worry about.
It is important that parents, when the secret suddenly becomes apparent, react adequately and with understanding.
“They sold the apartment and moved. A month later, the new owners called: “And we found your treasure.” During the renovation, the baseboard was torn off, and from there pearls and beads from my old beads literally fell.
And I, I remember, was looking for them! I didn’t even think about children – I have sons, do they really need it?
It turns out you need. They “fought on the beads”, and when the threads broke and everything fell apart, they decided to make a cache.
They even swore to each other that they would not tell anything. It was when they went to kindergarten.
Now, of course, I am not angry, but I will definitely take away the beads as a memory of children’s pranks. ” Tatiana, Sasha’s mother, 9 years old and Glory, 8 years old
Of course, boys are more likely to be given “destructive” power. In fact, it is not.
Simply, they are more often recognized as property damage and behave more arrogantly. Girls quickly pick up the mood of adults and better come up with exculpatory reasons. The boys will either be silent, or say “I do not know why” without regrets and remorse.
Is it arrogance? No, courage and honesty.
Rather, only the formation of these qualities, which must be fully supported.
There should not be excessively strict punishments, threats and warnings in the spirit of “try to do it just once more – and you will see what will happen.” Boys, to whom such methods are regularly applied, grow up to be inert, fearful, prone to lies and guilt.
The educational conversation with the “destroyer”, of course, must take place, but it must pass without unnecessary emotions — it is enough to explain how much damage has been done. It is especially important to emphasize the fact of recognition: “Well done, what you said!
Otherwise, I would search all day. ”