Has this happened to you before: do you stumble upon your reflection in a shop window and for the first instant you don’t recognize it? A thought flashes in my head: “Who is this woman with a stroller?” After all, just a year ago at this very time, you were sipping margarita, chatting with your best friend in your favorite bar. You laughed, joked and painted your life in colors.
And now your life is in diapers.
Not that she is sad and sad, no. But events in it are of a completely different order. Unforgettable adventure?
Please: late in the evening you found that the mixture was over, and the child was already grumbling while waiting. The blood in my veins is getting cold, you tell it to any other young mother! Or such a surprise: your newborn confuses day and night, preferring to blow bubbles and demand attention at 4 o’clock in the morning.
No, you would not want to rewind everything back. But sometimes in this avalanche of change, you feel that some part of your personality has been carried away in a deafening stream.
The young mother no longer belongs to herself: the nights are dotted, the day is as if in a fog, all actions are subject to a tiny creature completely dependent on the woman. Relationships with her husband, relatives, and the body also change … French psychoanalyst Catherine Bergere-Amselek, describing these metamorphoses of the personality, called the events “a maternity crisis.” People rarely talk about him, but the process of getting used to a new role may take several months and sometimes years.
Moreover, it is time to break the taboo! We will arm you with 8 rules to survive this difficult period.
“At first I did everything to change my life as little as possible: leaving the baby to the nanny and grandmothers, continued to go to parties, see a bunch of friends, have fun. I did not want to allow the child, or rather my new status, to forbid me to do everything I wanted.
I was so afraid that the child would subordinate my whole life, that I would “disappear from the radar” and everyone would forget about me, that she refused to accept the incident. But after a few weeks, I realized that I was dead tired. It ended with the fact that I entered a new rhythm – the rhythm of life with a child, became more serene and calm.
I know: I will have time for everything, but a little later, ”says 23-year-old Olga, the mother of 10-month-old Lera. Her experience is completely typical. “To mourn former carelessness and former self is normal for a young mother. In fact, the woman feels the same as when she lost a close, dear person: first denial of what happened, then anger, followed by sadness and finally acceptance, ”confirms Jackie Marson, an English psychologist who studied the evolution of the mood of 60 young people mothers.
Her conclusion: more than 90% of women felt the “loss of something important” immediately after the birth of the baby. “This does not mean that young mothers regret something,” explains the psychologist. – On the contrary: most assured me that having a baby was the best thing that happened to them in life. But no one warned them about the profound changes at the psychological level that they expect after giving birth. ”
“Why do my friends calmly cope with the child, and everything is so difficult for me?” – this idea often torments the young mother. A woman closes in her experiences, thinks that she is the only one – while almost everyone experiences difficulties at the beginning, immediately after childbirth, and later. Do not trust appearances: the fact that your girlfriend is an inexhaustible inventor of games for an infant or a great connoisseur of childhood diseases does not save her from fatigue and doubt. “Young mothers usually masterly hide their feelings: whatever, if only you would not admit that a new life does not always appear in pink!
The best way to break this wall of silence, to get rid of shame for your negative feelings is to honestly share troubles with friends, young and experienced mothers, in order to understand that all mothers live similar problems, ”says the psychologist.
If you start a new job, you are unlikely to engage in self-flagellation, having made some mistakes at first. Show the same indulgence to yourself and when you take the first steps as a mother: after all, this is a completely new “job”, it’s normal that you are haunted by doubts and sometimes failures. Do not allow yourself to be blamed, especially acquaintances, who are always better known, or to specialists, who argue that the mother must discern instinctively why a baby is crying.
So what if his crying is not as clear as the cries of the aborigines of New Guinea? You will have time to learn this new language.
Well, “margarita” in the bar with the best friend, maybe, will wait (although, if you don’t feed.). But is it a reason to remain locked in the four walls, going over diapers, while the child dozed off? Often we forget about old friends at the very moment when they are most needed.
It is also great to exchange opinions about vegetable puree on the parent forums on the Internet, but this will not replace old friends with whom you have already eaten salt: they can cheer, tease, and sympathize.
Yes, yes, we often forget about a husband – he is simply not visible behind a stack of diapers! You have to realize that a man also feels decent changes in his life, but what is there – a real big change! Even if it doesn’t seem so big to a woman: football on Wednesdays remains – this is sacred, and it’s imperative to go to the bathhouse with friends, otherwise life will not be nice for him.
Of course, the woman is tormented by a feeling of cruel injustice. But we must admit the obvious: no man will turn into an ideal father the day after birth.
Prove your condescension, tolerance, give your husband time to find new boundaries – and at the same time master the blender. Heroically watching the formation of fatherly qualities, remind yourself that it was love for this man that made you mother.
No need to wait for the majority of the child to hire, finally, a baby-sitter and go somewhere together, coo as before. This one hundred times repeated advice nevertheless does not cease to be relevant.
For example, for Jeanne, the mother of a two-year-old daughter. “When I returned to work, Lisa was six months old. I didn’t have enough time for myself: I wasn’t wearing out, I wasn’t dressed up – I couldn’t tear my head off the pillow and ran to work. I no longer felt welcome.
Only a year later, when my daughter grew up a little, I was “let go”: I wanted to like it again, to attract attention. And when I ran off with my husband for a week on vacation, I finally felt that life is beautiful! ”
Even if nothing seems as seductive as listening to the babble of your little angel, remember how much interesting things there were before! No time? Bad excuse.
Psychologist Elizabeth Badinter points to a bad tendency when young mothers burn with guilt if they do something “for themselves”. No, it is not necessary to wait until the baby falls asleep to finish reading this article or chat with her friends on the phone – you can do it at least when you are breastfeeding. “Every future mother should write – in the presence of her husband! – those favorite activities that she would like to keep after giving birth.
Devoting them to at least 2 evenings a month, a woman will survive this difficult period much better, ”says psychologist Jackie Marson.
How so – you still have not recorded your baby in the group of baby swimming, and in fact he is already 3 months old ?! Do you give him mashed potatoes, instead of choosing, cooking and mashing vegetables yourself ?!
Rule number 1 happy motherhood: do not chase the ideal, forget unrealistic expectations. Women, especially those who give birth to their first child after thirty, want to become ideal mothers. They had been waiting for this moment for so long, carefully preparing for it: they read books, studied websites on the Internet.
They are filled with information – and as a result they make unreasonable demands on themselves, as well as on a child. Such young mothers are worried if they can choose the very thing for the child, whether it concerns a stroller or a CD with lullabies. It is exhausting!
Better relax and have fun!
And no need to wait until everyone is laid, fed and the house will shine (this will never happen anyway). “Caring for a child sucks all the power. If a young mother doesn’t look after her well-being, if her relatives don’t care about her, she may very soon be at the bottom of the energy well.
And it will be difficult to get out of there, ”warns the psychologist. In order to resist nervous and physical exhaustion, think about the best way to recharge the body with energy: whether it will be massage or acupuncture, homeopathy, naturopathy – you choose. But the main thing – never blame yourself if you are caring for yourself, and “the child suffers at this time.”
He will suffer much more, feeling your displeasure and irritation from fatigue.