The period after 1.5 years, psychoanalyst Margaret Mahler called the “psychological birth” of man. The first year of life mother and baby are very close. It is the mother who decides what and when the crumb will do.
The child grows and gradually becomes more independent. He learns to move, explore the world, play.
All previous experience of the baby shows that it is the center of the universe. To some extent this is true.
It was enough for him to shout as they approached him, fed him, changed his clothes, entertained him. But there are more and more desires.
He is used to adults doing them. But my mother does not allow me to knock on the table with a spoon, does not allow me to get into the trash can, but removes from a swing for a walk and leads home. The natural reaction is protest.
So, in any house, at a certain time a stubborn child appears.
At this age, the baby needs to understand that not only he, but others have their own feelings and desires. And the rules that have to follow.
This is one of the most important tasks, and it is not easy to master it, it takes time. At this age, the baby with our help learns to regulate their feelings. This is the psychological birth of a little man.
The time of parting with past illusions and the time of mastering new skills to communicate with the world and people.
Here is another explanation. According to American psychologists A. Gopnik and E. Meldzoff, the kid is a researcher from birth. He wants to understand how the world around us works.
From the first day of his life, he studies his body, nearby objects and people’s faces. Then he tries to understand what you can do with objects (throwing, knocking, tasting, hiding, etc.). And then begins to be interested in the reactions of people.
What will happen if you throw your grandmother’s glasses or daddy’s mobile phone on the floor? And after all, this stubborn child knows perfectly well what to do to deduce parents from themselves!
The little rogue knows that it is impossible to do this, and glances at us. And it’s really funny how the grandfather’s face is drawn out if you take away a newspaper from him; How big are my mother’s eyes, if you paint her lipstick on kitchen furniture.
The best way to attract attention is to do something forbidden.
In his book, The Stubborn Child, How to Set the Limits of What Is Permissible, Robert J. Mackenzie offers his own unique method of taming recalcitrant children. The famous American psychologist teaches parents to find a balance so that an obstinate child obeys them and, moreover, the matter does not reach the punishment, and the parents do not stoop to indulgence.
It is extremely important, the author emphasizes, that parents do not give up and fight, because there are means for this and quite specific ones. Mackenzie’s book, The Stubborn Child, How to Set the Limits of the Permissible, contains a whole set of such practical advice.
And parents need to know why it is their child so stubborn. For example, realizing that her baby has a different “difficult,” as Mackenzie calls him, the method of assimilating information, and this is not at all unusual, but quite normal, the mother will at least stop worrying.
Children aged about two years are very stubborn. They constantly insist on their own, responding with a decisive “no” to many of our proposals. Yes, this is a step in the development of independence, but it does not mean the complete absence of any restrictions.
In life there must be rules that are executed by everyone and constantly. And the more consistently and consistently close to a stubborn child a child is insisting on accepting these rules, the easier it is for him to master them.
If there are too many rules and prohibitions in the family or adults do not behave very consistently, life becomes a constant battle. And often the child wins.
There are things that it is almost impossible to make a kid do against his will: use a pot and fall asleep. And often this becomes the main stumbling block.
Children refuse to eat, run away from the table, spit, thereby incredibly frustrating parents. The little ones do not want to sit on the pot, bend, tear off, hide, and after a few minutes they come already wet. Laying up in some families takes several hours.
The child rubs his eyes, but does not give up: he demands drinking, now a pot, now a book, or something else.
If the baby does not obey or does not understand, usually adults begin to say even more: “I told you, we are going home now. How much can you repeat?! ”… Emotions are gradually heating up.
A child who persists in his own way is often unable to understand what they want from him now. He “hears” only our indignation and responds in the same way.
Try in such situations to speak in a calmer voice, and to formulate the requirements as clearly as possible. (For more details, such specific situations are discussed in the Mackenzie’s book “The Stubborn Child How to Set the Limits of the Permissible”)
The crisis of two years of age is not an easy time for both a child and his parents. But he will not last forever.
Try to calm yourself and understand that a stubborn child is not behaving like a child because it is trying to ruin your life. He tries new strategies of behavior.
And he, too, is not easy.
We already know that the child’s behavior is connected with the desire to get the attention of loved ones. Try not to react very violently to the unwanted behavior of the baby.
Otherwise, it will be repeated more and more often. Show that you are not afraid or shocked by his tantrums.
You share his feelings, but it does not force you to change your point of view.
Try to pay more attention to your child when he behaves well. Always praise him if he does what you asked him to do.
There is not much praise. And all the time.
It is not necessary to praise an adult person for using the toilet, but for a two-year-old child this is still very important.
Adults do not need to fight, bite and fall on the floor to express their feelings. Understanding the root causes of the emergence of certain of our emotions helps us control our own behavior.
For a kid who is angry, protesting or scared, it is very important to understand what is happening to him and why. We adults need to get answers to these questions.
It is much more useful for a child to hear “I know that you are angry now” instead of “Do not be angry”. And remember that we can accept his emotions and feelings, but our task is to show that we do not like this behavior.
In this difficult time for all the baby accumulates a lot of different feelings. In our power to help him cope with them.
To do this, you can use a few simple but effective techniques.
Complete defeat. Small children like to break and scatter. To prevent these “destructive desires” from damaging things, let the child do this in the game.
Break the tower of cubes built by us; splashing on the beach or in the bathroom with a water gun; knock down balls with a ball; throw stones into the water; fight dad; tearing cotton wool or paper into small pieces – let it even snow in summer!
Scream louder! Sometimes you can shout together (just not at bedtime!).
For example, as a bear cries when angry; an elephant when fights; cat when afraid. And finally, to calm down, you can quietly cheer like a mouse.
Flight of fancy. Children love to get dirty!
Give them that opportunity. Paint with finger paints, tear off pieces of clay and stick them on paper, play with dough, sand and water.
At the same time it is important that the child learns to follow simple rules: draw only on paper, and not on the floor or wall.
- See themselves as the center of the universe, think that the world revolves around them.
- They have no sense of danger yet.
- They control their behavior and emotions a little, they can experience very strong feelings – hence the hysteria and readiness to beat and bite.
- They cannot understand that their actions hurt others.
- Not familiar with the concept of time. They do not understand what a minute is different from an hour, which means “wait a bit.”
A child who constantly says “no” and insists on her can be helped by giving a choice. Often it helps to avoid unnecessary battles.
Even the most stubborn child is less likely to refuse to change before bedtime if we ask him what kind of pajamas he wants to sleep in: blue or green. He or she will be less naughty at breakfast if they can choose what they will eat with what spoon and what to drink.
You should not ask the child: “Will you be it?” – most likely you will hear: “No!” Children really like when they can influence the world around them with their decisions. We give them that opportunity.
Then in another situation, they may turn out to be more accommodating.
If the kid has already gone into hysterics, our arguments are unlikely to work. The main thing – do not lose composure.
Sometimes, of course, it is possible to distract the child, but more often he needs some time to calm down. Do not frighten the baby that you will leave (or a policeman will take it), if he does not stop immediately.
Tell him: “I know that you are now very upset (angry, offended …). Let’s try to calm down, breathe together (wash, etc.). ”
Be sure to praise the child if he calmed down quickly or independently, and only then explain to him calmly why they did not allow him to insist on what he insisted on.
In active babies hysterics may occur due to overvoltage. In this case, give the child some rest.
Sit together on the bench, look around and talk. And: always be consistent. Not worth it, frightened by tantrums, to allow the crumbs something, because of what it happened.
Children are very smart: if they once understand (and they understand, you can be sure) that this can achieve the desired, the period of hysteria and scandals will drag on for several years.
Small children get upset at separation from their mother, as if they have lost her forever – they still understand very little what time is. Never frighten a child by leaving him. Moreover, it is also not true.
If you have to leave and leave the baby with someone else, do not try to disappear imperceptibly – he will begin to control you, not letting go for a minute. Leave the kid your photo or things.
Even if the crumb still speaks poorly, he can be called during the day. Calmly explain to the child that they will definitely return.
Psychologists recommend playing hide-and-seek more often with small children – at a symbolic level, this allows the child to understand that he will never be left alone and his mother will come back.
Our childhood memories strongly influence our parenting methods. Often, mothers, who in early childhood were sent to a nursery or kindergarten, try not to go to work as long as possible and stay at home with the baby. And leaving the crumbs to relatives even for an hour, they feel a strong sense of guilt.
The child will certainly feel it, may conclude that being without a mother is really unsafe, and will begin to cling to her even more. You should always remember that the opportunity for mom to relax, take care of herself, be alone with her husband, pay attention to other loved ones are very important for the child too.
In life there must be rules that are implemented by all and constantly. And the more consistently and consistently people close to the child insist on the adoption of these rules, the easier it is for the child to master them.
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