We are all children of our parents and we pass on our experience and patterns to our children, which then largely build their model of knowledge of the world.
Our parents pass on to us some knowledge about this world, tell us “what is good and what is bad,” based on their concepts, which, in turn, they learned from their parents, and those from their ancestors.
On the one hand, this is the eternal law of nature: we pass on to our children the knowledge that can protect them and guide them. This is an archaic animal instinct: we protect our offspring from harm and teach the children of life.
On the other hand, if there was no gene for dissent, which, by its “itch”, does not allow young shoots to agree with their elders in everything, we would still live in caves. After all, once the one who came up with the idea of sharpening an arrow was kicked out of the tribe by the elders, because he brought unrest into the usual routine.
There is a famous story, as the entire medical community laughed at the doctor, who first suggested washing hands with soap and water before surgery.
I thought that if I personified a higher authority for my children up to a certain age, I could tell them about the world so that they would grow up to be some kind of conscious children. In other.
I did not want them to tell a lie; to fear people and unfamiliar dogs; to fear to investigate and make mistakes; to become zealous owners; to be manipulated by people, etc. More precisely, I wanted, as many people think, so that the children would grow up kind, responsive, free and ready to create. I myself expected from my experiment that I would become patient, observant, and (most importantly) stay a lifelong friend for my children.
I began by saying that I used the word “not” only in life-threatening situations.
You can not: stick out of the window, run around with a knife, poke your fingers in the socket, beat the weak, drink household chemical liquids and eat medicines, run across the road in front of the truck and so on. That is all that threatens life is impossible. But at the same time, you can: learn to use a knife under an adult’s lead, carefully cross the road, agree with your younger brother so that he does not break toys, pour air conditioner into a washing machine, and not into a cup.
If the child’s ears in the ears constantly ring the word “no,” he either stops responding altogether and becomes uncontrollable, or he grows up just a little coward who is afraid to take a step without the approval of the adult.
A separate topic is entrenched prejudices like “you can’t whistle – there’s no money”, “boys don’t cry” or, even better, “you laugh a lot – it means you will cry a lot”, etc. The children take it very quickly and repeat it unconsciously. At first, adults are amused when a three-year-old girl says that it is improper for boys to cry. One can relate to the work of Sigmund Freud and psychoanalysis as it pleases, but it is impossible to deny the fact that hidden affective experiences “catch up” with the person in the future.
Unresolved questions and unclaimed tears become a kind of time bomb. And the boy, ashamed to cry in childhood, in adulthood is more difficult to express his emotions or to express them pathologically. The scheme is simple: “I want to cry, and this is my natural reaction, but my dad says that the guy is ashamed to cry.
So being yourself is bad. ”
All these prejudices and proverbs are just an archaic experience of past generations. Why should our children pass on the fears of long-gone ancestors?
This prevents them from knowing the world in their own way and rediscovering it for themselves.
In my opinion, it is very important not to bring up in the young creation an excessive sense of ownership. All people are owners from birth: not yet born, the child already believes that the mother belongs only to him.
But the natural instinct is one thing, and raising a small owner is another.
I want to raise children who are ready to share and quietly part with things. I do not want them to focus on owning and acquiring, because it creates greed and dependence on things. Already not things serve man, but he to them.
I am not for poverty, but for a calm attitude to the value of the material.
Everyone knows how quickly children adopt this trend, and now they are boasting new mobile phones, beautiful clothes and the “best” and “most”. When a five-year-old girl is proud that her doll has clothes from a famous fashion designer, this is already a problem.
But often this happens unconsciously, just to have more, better and more. And the first rule of peace of mind is to free oneself from attachment to things. So I decided instead of the words “mine” and “yours” to introduce into the everyday life various other formulations like “for you”, “for me”.
At first I removed these words from my speech. And then the children began to repeat after me.
After all, is there a difference, “my cup” or “cup for me”, “my food” or “food for me”? This fundamentally changes the meaning of what has been said, that is, I am now eating from this plate, but I moved the plate – and it is already for another; I wear these pants, but I will grow up – and my brother will wear them, etc. And we always had toys for everyone.
If my son says that he loves me, I answer him by inertia: “And I love you very much.” This is how our children become accustomed to such a fatal consistency that even at the first declaration of love to their passion they may suffer greatly without hearing anything in response.
Better, I myself will say more to the children, as I love and appreciate them, and do not expect any response words from them, and for their confessions you can just hug them tightly and say: “Yes, I feel your love, and I am very pleased.” Children need to be taught to live without waiting for reciprocity, which creates dependence on others.
After all, it is also very important to know that you are self-sufficient and nobody owes you anything.
It’s hard to believe, but there are no bad people. There are suffering, those who for some reason are very painful.
We all at least once, but noticed for ourselves that we break our anger or irritation on a child or loved ones. And what, after that, we – the “bad”? For ourselves, we always have an excuse: “I’m just tired” or “What a miserable person I am, no one loves me.”
It is difficult for many to recognize, and often the pain is somewhere far away, in childhood, deep down there, in the soul. And you need to really try to at least understand what hurts. I explain this to children, but I practically do not use the words “bad” and “good”.
These are very relative concepts. Everything in the world is relative, and I want the children not to be judged rashly, but to be able to examine the situation and life itself from different sides. “And how do you yourself think, maybe it’s good and bad at the same time?” I would like them not to blindly believe my word, but to learn to think for themselves.
Parents and society as a whole are waiting and demanding obedience and rules from children. And if you do not meet the expectations of adults, most likely you will hear in your address: “What a bad breed!” By the way, it is “ill-bred” children that often grow into Personalities. The difference of cultures and social strata plays a large role in the educational process.
But there are common values, universal laws, which we explain to children: do not kill, do not steal. They are eternal and famous.
And our notorious upbringing seems to me a decrepit code of outdated laws. I do not want my children to think that only after the “magic word” they will get what they want.
I do not force children to learn the rules of good tone, I try to be courteous and polite myself, and my own example is the best way to teach kids. Of course, the experiment is a relative and complicated matter.
I somehow want to change the world. This is a utopia, but something that we, the parents, can do.
You can create a special climate in the family and teach children to live consciously, to motivate them to make their own decisions.