For as long as the concept of upbringing exists, there is as much debate about the role of the biological and social component. Many in general doubt whether something can be grafted, and their evidence is very convincing.
For example, a child is brought up by his mother and grandmother, he does not even see his father, and then he becomes “well, just a copy of the father”. The same propensity, the same behavior.
In vain, it turns out, tried: what was laid at birth, it happened. Although graft, though not graft.
In fact, such conclusions are not entirely fair. Firstly, because parenting judgments are always subjective. We attribute all the good things that we get to ourselves (upbringing), and blame everything that we don’t really like.
Secondly, it is impossible to verify whether the impact of adults was correct and what would have happened if they did not raise the child differently. We will never know what a child would be if we had changed at least something in our upbringing. Would be a little stricter or, conversely, a little softer.
Would lead in a drawing circle, but not in the pool. Would read other books.
There are several studies concerning identical twins separated in childhood. Possessing a 100% identical set of genes, they should be almost identical. However, this is not always the case.
The German psychologist Walter Friedrich, collecting data on twins raised in different families or different orphanages, concluded: the earlier the separation occurs, the greater the differences. Appearance, abilities, intelligence can be almost the same. And the interests, lifestyle, choice of classes – different.
One is a virtuoso pianist, the other does not even know the notes. Probably, with the first engaged in music, while the second did not even see the instrument.
Of course, vaccination is not always a planned set of activities. We impart much to children unconsciously, simply in communication. Because it is part of our personality, and, perhaps, because our parents instilled it in our time.
But sometimes adults absolutely know exactly what they want to achieve, and act purposefully. In any case, it would be very good if from time to time we asked ourselves questions: why am I doing this? Why do I want a child to have precisely these abilities, talents, qualities? What exactly do I get from this? what will he get?
After all, only at first glance all our desires for children are noble. On closer examination, they may be selfish, vindictive, or associated, for example, with a feeling of envy.
“My husband has two almost adult daughters from his first marriage. Both are very smart girls, they studied at the school with in-depth study of languages, and now – at the university. I have a very good relationship with them, and even with his ex-wife.
The only thing that worries me is: what if my children will not be so smart? Study and success began to excite me so much that before the meetings I arranged a real exam for my son.
One day, her husband could not stand it: “I love you regardless of success, and stop this rivalry. Children must be different.
Besides, we have a boy, not a girl. ” He is right, rivalry is not very good.
But after all, everyone at the meeting still asks about success. How do I feel about this? ”
It is possible to inculcate something good only with good intentions, with a positive and sincere attitude – only in this case the process will be smooth and easy. You can be flexible if something goes wrong as planned.
If you pursue your personal goal that is not related to the child — for example, to prove to your mother, with whom you are still in a tense relationship, that you care for her children better, then the expectation of results will be much stronger than the joy of the process itself. Working for a specific result is what your upbringing will be.
And special joy from him will not. Neither you nor your child.
It would seem that the sooner – the better. However, this is also not entirely true.
There are so-called periods of sensitivity – a special sensitivity of the psyche to various types of activity and to the origin of various feelings. The famous teacher Maria Montessori, at the beginning of the twentieth century, introduced into practice classes for children who would take these periods into account.
She argued that this is the only way to instill quality in a child, to teach him something fully, quickly and joyfully.
Do you want to instill independence in your child? The sensitive period for this is from a year to five. Yes, it is from the year!
It was at this time that the child becomes ready to do something himself and the opportunity to experience joy from it. And this quality is maintained for life.
If you delay the period of independence (“Little else, he will grow up, go to school – he will do everything himself”), then the true quality may not develop. That is, independence will be, but, rather, as a necessity. Well, you can’t always ask mom what to do – where to study, work, whom you marry (although it happens), you need to do something yourself.
And the person does – all the while doubting, fearing responsibility, avoiding important decisions. And all because the sensitive period was missed.
Or love order. From birth to three.
At this time, children need consistency, to ensure that everything was in their places. Many are anxious and cry if they see parents moving their crib. Approximately in one and a half – two years the child has an interest in self-ordering things.
He can sort his toys for a long time, put everything in the lockers, shift him according to his own order. But adults are not satisfied with this method of cleaning (the order in our understanding is even less of it), so the occupation is stopped.
Then, after a few years, parents cannot understand why he cannot put his things in order. And did not take root.
Politeness also has its time. From 2.5–3 years old to 6. Of course, it is possible (and necessary) to show with our own example what polite communication and tact are.
But the child begins to understand the meaning of this no sooner than in the initial period of socialization. That is, when his circle of communication expands, he is sufficiently proficient in speaking skills, can communicate with other people on an equal footing.
And up to the age of 6 years, this will become (or will not) become the norm of his life, a habit.
And when optimism is instilled, the ability to enjoy life? From birth to year. It is in such an early period that a sense of trust in the world is laid, an understanding of whether the world is good or not.
If the baby has no problems, he is cared for, fed, warmed and amused, he will transfer the feeling of joy from his first feelings to the whole world. Both in childhood and in adulthood he may have difficulties and ordeals – he will still be an optimist.
Children who survived shocks in infancy (lack of proper care, scandals in the family, lack of balance of the mother), even in adulthood are suspicious and anxious.
Instill traits. Character is an attitude towards other people, towards life in general.
It is not innate, but many features are based on the properties of the nervous system. And this must be taken into account. For example, a quick, agile child cannot be made thoughtful, sensitive.
These qualities are so non-native that they do not take root. And the qualities that coexist with activity: confidence, courage, decisiveness, aggressiveness, incontinence – it is very easy to take root. It depends on you how the innate property will manifest – positively or negatively.
Character traits are grafted, for the most part, through a system of rewards and punishments, mostly psychological. The child began to take away a toy from a neighbor in the sandbox. Dad, telling the kid: “Well, that you don’t need to fight,” is actually glad that the child can stand up for himself.
Psychologically, he supports his son, making it clear that this is a good deed. This will be a reward that will reinforce the desire to always pursue one’s own peers in a circle of peers.
More character traits are imparted through the general educational environment: the examples that the baby sees, the people with whom the parents communicate, even the surrounding landscape – everything matters.
Instill interests. Many famous musicians say that the love of music did not come to them at once. She was preceded by tears, hatred and dad with a belt.
This, of course, does not mean that love always arises out of hatred (people who have not taken root after tears and a belt, much more), but still persistence and patience in this matter play a big role. The child still cannot control himself, his time, therefore, in addition to engaging, parents should also have a controlling mission. When offering a lesson to a child, you should not tune in to the fact that this will be a matter of his life.
Praise for success and see if the child himself is happy about it. If the occupation of the child is absolutely alien, then he will be indifferent to whether he turns out or not.
Instill feelings. It is logical that, instilling kindness, we must encourage the child to exercise it. “Treat everyone with candy. Oh, what a good girl.
That is, to show the child that, losing something, he will immediately receive something. Lost candy – got praise.
But this method gives a very dubious effect – the child still likes sweets more than gratitude. He will learn to share when necessary, but of course he will not have a sincere desire to do it.
But there will be a desire to hide what they can make to give. No, in order to cultivate a certain feeling in a child, it is necessary to show it as much as possible towards him. Kindness, tenderness, sensitivity – the more we give these feelings to a child, the more he will have them.
And then he can share them.