At what age can we assume that your child is an introvert? Psychologists believe that it is too early to draw any conclusions about the future temperament before two or three years. Children go through the stages of growth and age crises, which outwardly can significantly change their behavior.
In addition, much will depend on education.
“Finding your own“ I ”in all children occurs due to communication with others,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenkova. – Of course, you do not re-introvert the introvert in its antipode, however, the warnings “Do not approach other children, they are big, they will offend you or take away a toy” can provoke caution and a tendency to keep a distance even from a small extrovert. And the desire to anticipate any desire of a child with an introvert brings up a reciprocal desire to do everything in sight, only under the supervision of seniors. ”
And although the child’s personality will be shaped for many more years, including adolescence, at the age of three or four years, the difference in children’s temperaments becomes more and more obvious.
A little extrovert in front of his eyes literally “recharges his batteries” in games with other children, developmental activities in a group, hikes somewhere, where he draws new impressions. It is also important for him to immediately express his feelings and emotions. In order to, for example, draw alone, such a kid has to expend effort.
An introvert child with no less interest will react to going to the theater or circus, but when he returns home, he is unlikely to agree to play with friends on the street. To comprehend impressions the uncommunicative child, most likely, will want in a quiet game with favorite toys or with someone from relatives.
Extroverts learn the world and restore power through communication and external relations, introverts do it in private with their own thoughts and fantasies. And this inherent feature of their temperament, and those and others will carry into adulthood
Written on the basis of 20 years of clinical experience, Marty Laney’s book “My Child is an Introvert” not only tells parents how to raise an uncommunicative child of an introvert so that he can grow up to be a happy person, but also helps to recognize typical features of an introvert in a child as early as possible. The book includes a questionnaire to help determine the place of the child on the scale of introversion-extroversion.
This will help the child introvert to use their strengths to live in the world of extroverts and achieve success.
“In fact, children introverts are creative, love to learn, have high emotional intelligence and do not suffer from vanity. Parents do not need to think that something is wrong with the introverted child.
He should be helped to become what he wants, and not to pressure him to “be like everyone else,” writes Marty Leini. And you can trust her! And not only because she is a teacher and practicing family therapist, a leading expert on introversion in the United States.
But also because the introvert itself, living in a happy marriage with an extrovert.
So, if you have an uncommunicative child growing up, what to do will be prompted by Marty Laine’s book “My Child is an Introvert.”
It is in the family that the child receives the first and most important experience of interacting with people with whom he may not coincide in character. Therefore, from an early age it is important to recognize for the baby his main right – to be different.
Meanwhile, many moms and dads begin to mistakenly think that the child is lazy, unlovely and too slow. And the main mistake is trying to stir up and “speed up” the baby.
“Often it is the extrovert parents who are consciously or unconsciously disappointed with the child, and he, of course, feels it,” says child psychologist Maria Chibisova. – Constant waiting for qualities not characteristic of its nature will develop only an inferiority complex in a child. And, in order not to upset mom and dad, he eventually either starts to pretend through force, which can also be a cheerful and active instigator, or completely withdraws into himself.
Both are equally destructive. ”
But the uncommunicative parent-introvert, who spends most of his time with the child and shielding him from outside contact, risks aggravating some closeness peculiar to the child. That is why it is important to develop his strengths and help cope with what is given to him is not so easy.
Attitude to fun and spontaneous, even if very joyful, surprises are in many ways shared by the world of introverts and extroverts. Uncommunicative child can not cope with the rapid flow of new experiences that he can not immediately perceive and comprehend. Therefore, about all the plans in which your baby will be included, speak to him in advance, in detail telling how this will happen.
Ask him some leading questions: what kind of animals would he like to see at the zoo or what would he give to his friend for his birthday?
As soon as you give your child the opportunity to do everything necessary in his own rhythm, he will surprise you with the thoroughness with which he copes with the task. The situation when a mother is in a hurry and is nervous, traumatizes any child, but it is especially hard for an introvert child who since childhood has been striving for measured and thoughtful actions. Try to create a daily regimen so that in the morning the baby has the opportunity to get up early and slowly gather, play with your favorite plush beast or watch a short cartoon.
Such rituals act upon it encouragingly and soothingly.
It is not easy for an introverted kid to quickly switch from one class to another. There are advantages to this: the ability to concentrate on the task for a long time, more attention to detail than the peer-fidget.
But let’s take a common situation in the sandbox: parting with someone else’s toy is not easy for any crumb, but the introvert focused on it is especially difficult. If you start to insist, the child is an introvert, immersed in the game, or will not listen, or may begin to behave aggressively.
Therefore, to draw his attention to other games or the need to share something you need to gradually.
Such children are very sensitive to parental dissatisfaction or anger, and they can be especially hard if they are reported in the presence of outsiders. The conflict situation itself is not easy for a baby.
And the fact that everything happens also in public, especially scares him. A child introvert can literally start to act up because of a trifle, because it keeps a lot in itself, but in the end it does not cope with its experiences.
If the kid rebels in public, take him away from possible observers. Explain to him why you are not comfortable with his behavior.
Be sure to tell me that you understand how upset he was, and you feel very sorry for him. If the child is already speaking well, ask him to tell about his grievance and suggest together to think about exactly what words in the future he will tell you that he is distressed.
The children of the introverted warehouse can be misleading, because sometimes they think and feel more than they demonstrate. And if you don’t help them understand how their brains work as they mature, they may underestimate themselves.
Since childhood, such people need time to calmly process information: to unite into a single whole everything that they saw, heard and absorbed. During the conversation, they literally put everything on the shelves.
For a child, such a conversation is a way to organize his impressions. Therefore, asking him about how the day passed in the garden or whether he liked the performance, do not interrupt with leading questions and always let us have the opportunity to bring the thought to the end.
Introvers, including small ones, need to apply more energy to restore the conversation thread and re-arrange their thoughts and experiences into words.
It seems to parents that the sooner they begin to pledge interest in learning and at the same time socialize a child, the more successfully it will develop. But an introvert such a roller coaster may not bring joy or inculcate hostility to the classes.
The other extreme is the isolation of the baby, and then in the group “they pick up all sorts of viruses.”
As a result, a not very contact by nature, uncommunicative child who has not gained experience in communicating with peers will somehow face this problem in elementary school. But only there it will be much harder. “There is no need to select special classes for children in accordance with their temperament,” says Maria Lekareva-Bozenkova. – It is enough to be attentive to the child, his interests and inclinations.
The kid may well participate in a theatrical performance at the general matinee, but one should not force him to read poetry from the stage if he does not want this. ” It is necessary that the educator takes into account the peculiarities of all his little wards. Introverting frequent assignments can be confusing.
But his strengths – this is just the ability to carefully engage in something one for a long time. It is also important that the child is not allowed to join the group game immediately, but giving time to observe what is happening from the outside.
“Children who are difficult and long accustomed to the new environment: they do not let their mother go, cry during the day, start to get sick often, are not necessarily introverts,” says Maria Chibisova. – Rather, they are simply more attached to the house, they feel mom’s constant anxiety and are not yet socialized. At the same time, they can have any temperament. ” It is also true that it may be more difficult for your baby to adapt in an unfamiliar environment than more sociable peers.
But if you competently help him, the process of habituation will be painless and faster.
1) Before the child introvert goes to kindergarten, go together to his future group. Introduce him to the tutor and show the toys, play with them and determine the loved ones among them.
If the interest of an extrovert child can be maintained by reminding about new friends and playing together with them, then the introvert baby should be interested in toys and those activities that he began to learn in the garden.
2) If the uncommunicative child refuses to eat and sleep, ask the caregiver not to insist. This is directly related to the difficulties of adaptation, and any pressure in the early days will only exacerbate stress.
As he gets used to it, he will start eating and sleeping, like other children.
3) Take an interest in how the baby went through the day, which he especially liked. Perhaps he will not tell much.
Ask tutors and remind him about pleasant moments. When you pick him up from the kindergarten, he may be silent – no need to attack him with questions. Give him the opportunity to just be with you: talk about something neutral.
And then you can go back to talking about how his day went.
Even in the most friendly families, where brothers and sisters are tied to each other, it does not go without conflicts and quarrels. “If in a family mom and dad know how to find compromises primarily with each other and accept children as they are, not trying to make them a little“ funnier ”or“ quieter ”, then children adopt this tolerance, the ability to see in unlike people The best and interesting sides, – considers Maria Chibisova. – When parents do not accept differences between each other, they risk getting a family split into “calm and boring” and “fun and noisy.” In the future, such a black-and-white picture of the world and the inability to interact with those who are different, the child risks being carried away into adulthood. ”
To visually explain to children the difference between them, invite them to imagine an invisible circle in which each person is located. In some, it is very large, in others it is noticeably smaller.
Explain that if the circle is small, it may be inconvenient for a person, when they approach him too close, they suddenly start to slow down, talk loudly. You can even offer children a game that determines the size of this invisible circle around each family member.
Stand on the sidewalk and move towards the child. As soon as he has a desire to step back, ask him to say: “Stop.”
Mark with chalk where you left off and draw a line around it. Each family member will most likely have a different circle size.
So clearly you show the children a zone of comfort that may not be the same.
Explain that there is nothing wrong with that. Teach the introverted child to politely ask his brothers, sisters or friends to give him more physical space: “It’s great to go on a swing together, but would you not be able to move a little?” And tell more extraverted children that if someone suddenly comes out from the game or transplanted from them to another place, it does not affect their friendship.
Just a brother or sister needs a bit of their space.
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