Every child is a future adult, and every adult is a past child. And these are two close relatives.
And so different. Like creatures from different planets. And another adult can hardly imagine that he himself was once a child, and the child cannot understand what adults are trying to achieve from him?
Why is it sometimes so difficult to understand a child?
One of the main contradictions facing the great Chinese wall on the path of mutual understanding between the child and the parent is that adults in their daily activities aim at the result: wash the dishes so that they are clean. The child is focused mainly on the process. He does something for the sake of immediate, current sensations (which, however, does not exclude the importance and the result itself): he likes to put cubes on top of one another, but he still wants to build a tower.
An adult experiences satisfaction only once – having achieved a result (clean dishes!), And even then not always, because there are many other problems. But the child is experiencing it constantly.
The baby is always in contact with what he does, and the adult – a little bit. When mom washes the dishes, her thoughts can soar away from the kitchen, and she acts on the machine.
It’s so habitual for us to live in such a way that we don’t particularly value these things However, for a child, this becomes a whole problem if, in such a situation, he cannot communicate with his mother.
To know the soul of a child, one must be, like him, very thin.
The proximity of two souls, adult and child, is when he says:
“Mama! Look at the huge bird floating above us! ”
And you lift your head and look, look.
and then you turn to him and ask:
“Do you like this bird?” And then you go three together –
now with you forever remain
this is a huge winged creature.
Being with a child means watching life
to be her witness.
Everything is sacred – both a mosquito and a cobweb.
Mom, leave your business, let your child
take you by the hand and show what life is.
Look, listen and notice everything.
Be sensitive, be careful!
Children have a different level of comfort than adults: they want more satisfaction and attention. The child wants to be happy and ready to fight for this right.
Look at the crumbs, busy with his business: with what concentration he studies a new subject, which turned out to be in his hands, sentences something to himself. The same condition happens in an adult when he is passionate about something. The child practically does not come out of this state.
People of art work with such enthusiasm: they write poems, paintings; in this state and with children’s enthusiasm, scientists conduct their research and make their discoveries.
He wants to know the world in its fulness.
He wants to have the right to own experience and to make a mistake.
He wants to participate in the affairs of adults and to be with them on an equal footing.
He wants to be happy … with his parents.
Most of what a parent does, he doesn’t really want to do, and his thoughts are where he would like to be now: lie with a book or, maybe, lie on the beach. That is why the child remains dissatisfied with such a pseudo-message.
In fact, the child is important the process of communicating with an adult, more sometimes even than the result itself, what he appeals for. It is easy to notice that he may not be so important what he does, if he gets at that time the desired full contact with the parent.
Conversely, if he does not, he can become annoying and intrusive, because, not being satisfied, he has to contact the parent again and again (and most of all, there is no one to whom).
It’s so hard for us to understand children! This is because you don’t need to understand them personally – you have to love them and … respect their freedom. We have never been taught how to be happy.
At school there is no such discipline, and at the institute it does not exist either. What does an adult think?
How to make money, how to be successful, beautiful … and children do not think – they just are and … they are happy. Look at your baby – he can reveal something to you. “Mom, play with me!” He invites you into his own world, the world of uncomplicated happiness and natural joy.
Just accept the invitation and let the baby be your friend.
Learn from the child. The child is almost always in a state of satisfaction.
He is like a fish in water – he feels good. And we are accustomed to paying more attention to negative circumstances, but if there is something pleasant, then there’s okay, what to think about it?
As they say, you quickly get used to good things … However, as a result, negative events are better imprinted in your memory, like figures on the background, and positive ones go to the background – blurry, so you don’t make out.
The child is not so important what to play, because the game is his attitude to the world and he plays in the whole world. And the child needs that an adult, when communicating with him, communicate in his language – the language of being in love with life, the language of passion for what you are doing now, and of passion for those with whom you communicate.
The child has the ability to be happy for the whole animal world. Throughout the history of mankind, man has tried to distance himself from the animal world.
For this, he created civilization and culture. And, of course, how calmly to look at a primitive-joyful baby, who enjoys a clear pleasure from playing deep in the ground, dirty and contented.
Too unambiguously he demonstrates his connection with the natural world. An adult is outraged: “I will make a man out of you!” He declares.
Canadian psychologist Lloyd De Moz said that at some point children were not allowed to crawl, because adults thought it was a disgusting animal habit. Yes, and today’s parent often reproaches the child in uncultured behavior, not taking into account the fact that this is the normal stage of development of the child.
In general, modern researchers of childhood came to the conclusion: everything that a child does is subject to the exact logic of its development, embedded in it even in the womb of the mother, and has a deeper meaning. Attempting to alter this logic leads to a variety of mental trauma.
Our words reflect our inner world. And by changing them, we can change the unconscious attitudes themselves, which means that what happens in our life.
So, if you have a difficult period in a relationship with a child and you are pretty tired of this, ask yourself: what kind of relationship do you want? This is not a formal question: you need to know what to set yourself up for. And, having defined your desires, speak out loud to yourself:
- I want my child to be my friend.
- I want mutual understanding between us.
- I want us to respect each other (a relationship is always what stands between you and the child, it is your work with him, so you can’t only talk about the other: “I want my child to respect me”).
Repeat this whenever you notice that you are far from ideal.
Let the child be you, stop the flow of restrictions, prohibitions and directions. If you treat him as a foolish clunker, he will soon agree with you, and the natural wisdom inherent in him will come to naught. Let him prove himself, get his experience – let the bumps, let the scratches, each experience has its own price.
Only knowledge gained through personal experience can enrich an individual. He will have to live with his head on his shoulders, not with yours, so the sooner you help him learn to use it, the better.
Involve your child as much as possible. He wants to do the same thing as you – he is well aware that this is the most effective way to learn something.
You are right, your business will take more time and you will suffer some material damage (you need to train on something). But your child will be satisfied, mutual understanding will be preserved, and in a new activity for him, intelligence develops 10 times faster than in a long-studied one.
The kid, like all people, has the right to his opinion, to his own place in life, and he has equal rights with us, so tall and strong …
- I respect my child’s right to own life and to own experience.
- I respect the personality of my child and his right to be what he is, although sometimes uncomfortable for me.
- My child is smart and independent.
- My child is very wise and he knows what he wants and what he needs for happiness.
- My child and I have equal rights.
If this is not the case, you are in the position of “chief – subordinate.” Sometimes it is necessary, but, if it happens often, mutual pleasure from communication is minimized.
When the mother is at home with the baby, often the child becomes the next thing you need to do before you rest. Do not allow such an attitude. This is the path leading to alienation.
Noticing this in yourself, tell yourself: “Stop. I want my child to be my friend. ” Allow yourself to enjoy communicating with your child and be a pleasant company for you.
Play this game with your baby. You are a tour guide for a newcomer on our planet who has flown to us to figure out how our world works, and it depends on you if he understands what is happening here (which actually is). Talk about what you see, give him comprehensive information.
He understands perfectly well that you are interested in him, listens to the melody of your speech and studies the nuances of intonations, distinguishes the nuances of your attitude to what you are talking about, and joyfully notices familiar words.
Typical “mistakes of a cultural person” in raising a child.
- The game is a way of knowing the world, and not only toys, the study of the properties of objects of the surrounding world through various manipulations with them. Did you get to another planet? To understand how things are arranged there, you will have to do about the same thing as a child. Here the baby pokes a peach with his finger – but how else to find out what’s inside? But he is pulling your nose – he wants to know if his nose can come off?
- Do not be ashamed of children for getting dirty, it is better to distract or explain if at the moment you do not want him to get dirty. This is comparable with the prohibition of archaeologists to dig in the ground – the work they have. So the work of children is the study of the properties of the objects of the surrounding world.
- The ban on getting a “negative” experience: falling, dropping, breaking, etc. is bad. Not allowing a child to know what it is to fall and get up yourself is to teach him helplessness.
Give your child the absolute freedom to deal with their belongings in a safe place specially arranged for him and leave him alone. So he will learn to answer for himself and his things.
Breaks First, yes, but then it will realize that it is better to have than not to have, and learns how to value.
Do not disregard his requests. All of them are not idle, but dictated by immediate needs.
It is not necessary to satisfy them all, but it is necessary to explain, for example, that you are busy now or to give some kind of answer. Thus, respecting his needs, you set an example for him how to treat yourself and other people. In fact, your child knows perfectly well what he needs at the moment for development, what to do.
He will not be engaged in business bored him, because for the time being to develop and learn the world is more important for him than to be just convenient for you.
Sometimes you hear on the playground: “You see, the boy has gone, but you do not walk yourself! Here are the other kids already talking.
When will you talk? ”The rhythms of the growth of children are individual, and you will do a great service to the child if you treat with understanding and patience the appearance of such long-awaited“ achievements ”of the little man. Minimize censure, a much more effective way to stimulate development is praise: “You are good,” “What a good girl you are,” “You will succeed.”
Do not attract too much attention to failure, but always notice success.