“All children are perfect, beautiful. How can you compare them? ”Saying so, we are very cunning.
In fact, the appearance and evaluated, and compared, and criticized. In discussions, the child is given, one way or another, characteristic. “Ordinary”, “awkward”, “interesting”, “just lovely” … Psychologists believe that such an attitude is inherent in the collective unconscious since the dawn of humanity.
The society had to monitor the appearance of new people in order to understand in time that there were problems — for example, the consequences of incest or illness. And put each “pros” (and then take) or “cons” (and then isolate).
It is difficult for people of a civilized society to admit this, but nevertheless, our attitude to children, their communication with them, and their appearance have an influence. Even more than communicating with adults.
The impression of the external qualities of an adult person is always corrected by personal characteristics: the presence or absence of a sense of humor, the peculiarity of thinking, speech, attractive or repulsive character traits. Children in this regard do not differ so much among themselves: personal characteristics, cognitive abilities are only developing, in communication they are less pronounced – due to this, appearance is a factor in the relationship to this or that child more important. We pay more attention to outwardly attractive children – we notice more often, we are more willing to give compliments, ask questions, encourage their intention to communicate with us.
Social psychologists, conducting an experiment, found that educators look at beautiful children a little longer than all others, they are more willing to turn to and help. Moreover, outwardly attractive children, we tend to endow with positive qualities, not even knowing how things are in reality.
If several preschoolers quarrel, fight, then an adult who decides to end the conflict will scold those who, according to external data, can be considered “normal” in this group. The child is beautiful in this situation, rather, they will not notice – they do not really want to scold him. The appearance of our own children is even more significant for us – because it is partly ours.
Although everything is, of course, more difficult. In addition to physical data, the way we perceive the child is important.
A lot of factors. Is it a desirable child, of the sex that they wanted, are they like us, are there traits of loved ones and, on the contrary, those to whom we are not particularly supportive. It all adds up to the overall picture of the exterior.
On this depends, we believe the child is attractive, charming, sweet, or in doubt or dissatisfied about it. And – as we tell him about it.
“Stand up exactly, what do you do with your legs?” Do not comb your hair – face turns round.
Look at yourself in the mirror before eating the cakes … ”So my friend communicates with her six-year-old daughter. Even listening to me is hard, but what is a child?
The poor girl no longer knows how to get up and sit down – constant remarks. A friend explains this by caring. “Who else will tell her the truth and teach her how to behave in order to make a good impression?” But, in my opinion, this is wrong – so be fixed on your appearance from childhood.
The girl is nice, normal build. And these constant comments, of course, spoil her self-esteem. Moreover, the presence of other people does not bother the girlfriend. “These are just tips.
Grow up – thanks will say. ” Anna, mother of Claudia, 5 years
For a lot of comments lies a lack of love. A child does not cause warm feelings, sincere affection, but it is difficult for parents to admit this to themselves and, of course, it is impossible to tell others. “He annoys me with his whole appearance” – a phrase that immediately puts a person at the very end of the list of bad parents.
Therefore, something acceptable is chosen, at least a little justified. “I strictly behave with him, all the time I control and advise him to become a good person, know how to behave.” The child is distorted not only self-esteem, but also character traits. Appears reticence, depression, insecurity, social fears.
All life is a low level of claims in personal and professional life. Realizing the reasons, a person is later able to correct self-esteem himself, but it does not always go smoothly and requires a lot of effort. Parents, of course, can prevent this.
If you understand yourself, realize your attitude towards the child, accept it as it is. Own immaturity, forced birth, adverse changes associated with the appearance of a child – there are many reasons for the lack of love.
It is always a drama. But emotional communication can be perceived as a necessary part of care and care.
Let tenderness not be so tender — such simulated love, when it comes to parents and children, is nevertheless better than none. Moreover, over time, the attitude towards the child may change, and then adults can be very sorry for the lost time.
For very young children there is this kind of nicknames: objectively not very pleasant, but for specific people, families are acceptable. A girl of two or three years does not take offense at the fact that her name is Lopushka.
Firstly, it always sounds gentle, and secondly, to compare the size of the ears, to think what they should ideally be, is absolutely irrelevant at this age. However, with the expansion of the circle of communication and general ideas about the world, the concepts of external beauty become clearer and more detailed.
At the age of five or six years (and even more so later) the girl doesn’t want to hear “Lopokushka” at all – no matter how sweet the voice is. But parents stubbornly do not notice.
On the contrary, emphasize the fact that for them the disadvantage is obvious, stating at the same time: we already like you.
“My parents called me Puzyshko (just like that, on average) or Sharik and discussed this feature of my figure in every way – a noticeable belly. No, they loved me, did a lot of work, even, I think, were proud – I studied well, played the piano. But, as soon as the conversation about appearances came, I somehow heard about all my shortcomings (plus a small leg (Thumbelina) to my stomach and shifted eyebrows (Buka)).
It just pissed me off. Grew up with the feeling that everyone is watching – and laughing.
At school, and even then for a long time was shy. When I left my parents, I was surprised to find that most of the “flaws” are just a fantasy. But I still went in for sports to improve my posture and figure.
And here’s the thought: why did parents behave like this? After all, they never said that something needs to be corrected, but they did the exact opposite. For example, they put more food on my plate, bought cakes, and then they said: “How funny you are when you eat.
You are our ball! ”Now I have two daughters. Very similar to me and – the most beautiful.
I never criticize their appearance. And I do not allow anyone.
I remember well how unpleasant it is. ” Egor, dad Elizabeth, 7 years old, and Mary, 4 years
Strong love is the cause of criticism, if combined with a sense of ownership and the fear of losing your status as the only important people in a child’s life. “Yes, you are not perfect, we see all your problems. But we love you anyway. No one else will love you like that. ”
Approximately this is the meaning of offensively-tender nicknames (“we can, we love.”) In the minds of parents after the child does not occur “growth” in dealing with him.
Children’s qualities continue to be welcomed, and adults are perceived negatively. Appearance is primarily concerned – it is more noticeable. Sometimes parents even realize that they lower their self-esteem, but … this is also their goal.
To protect against anything that could hurt later. Or rather, so that I would not even go to the place where you can get hurt.
Children in this situation often remain infantile, do not tend to grow. Even outwardly and in habits retain the features of a child.
The sooner parents understand that the goal of education is independence, the easier it will be for them to change their behavior and follow the needs of their children. Encourage adulthood in all manifestations, make these compliments of appearance.
And no balls!
There are people who find it difficult to talk about appearance openly and seriously. They either ignore this topic altogether, or try to joke, or demonstrate a slight disregard.
Moreover, in relation to the closest ones, including their own children, this is manifested to the greatest extent. “Am I beautiful in this dress?” – “Yes, just a New Year tree.” Future forecasts, comparisons, compliments – everything seems to be positive, but it sounds frivolous. From this it loses its role: neither support, nor assistance in developing a sense of self-worth, nor confidence from all these jokes is obtained.
In addition, further positive relations with one’s own body are not formed, there is no understanding of one’s needs and sense of bodily pleasure. As in childhood, adults avoided this topic, so now the person himself does not want to look at himself in the mirror, hesitates when he has to undress, does not like to choose clothes.
So compliments (real) are important – from the very birth. “What eyes, what ears, what legs” – the baby, and the preschool child, and … people at any age need it. A detailed “analysis” of the qualities of the exterior, the selection of what is particularly beautiful, is necessary for self-acceptance.
“In our family, in terms of appearance, there was some embarrassment. In response to the compliment, Mom always justified herself: “It’s just that she fell asleep with wet hair – that’s why they are so lush.”
In relation to me – the same thing. If you saw me looking in the mirror, we would definitely discuss it amongst ourselves, laugh (“Not a princess is a princess”). Or, for example, I ask: “A beautiful hairpin is on my head?” In response, it’s necessary to say something like: “Better show what’s in your head.
A poem learned? ”Strangely enough, now I also avoid saying something good about appearances. When someone’s mother said in the kindergarten at the matinee: “What a beautiful dress at Stesha, so it goes blue to dark hair,” I replied: “Found in my old things.”
Why not say “Yes, thank you, very nice”? After all, I wanted in my childhood that my mother would say that. ” Marina, Stella’s mother, 4 years