Happy parents: Obviously, there is such a feeling as maternal instinct. Is there a paternal instinct?
Anatoly Dobin: Everything is clear with moms, the innate maternal instinct exists, it exists, and this is the norm, and its absence is probably the result of some psychological problems. Father’s innate instinct is nonsense.
Agree, the father may well be the father of many children and not even suspect it. Or forget about their existence.
That, of course, can not be said about the mother. The relationship of the child and the mother is strong and cramped from the very beginning; suffice it to say that these two creatures were for a long time essentially one and the same.
Nothing of the kind happened between father and child, so it is not surprising that many fathers initially feel some alienation towards the new family member. Many simply do not understand what kind of a creature and what to do with it. In addition, the baby does not talk, does not interact with the father.
And not particularly in need of it at this time. At the same mother, the relationship with the child is mentally different than that of the father.
It is much less focused on words, more on sensations, on tactile contact. Sometimes the father is even afraid to take the baby in his arms: “I will drop it now! And what to do with it?
How to keep? It screams. “. At the same time, a man feels a sense of powerlessness, realizing that the child needs a mother to be physiologically purely physiological, in order to calm down, feed.
The feelings that arise in most fathers at first, after the appearance of a baby in the family, can be described as follows – from the joy from birth to confusion and misunderstanding of its function. Especially all this is clearly manifested, of course, with the first child.
HAPPY PARENTS: But after all, there are fellow fathers, who somehow immediately become involved in the process of caring for an infant, tell about their feelings for him?
ANATOLY DOBIN: There are simulations of the father’s instinct, which fathers resort to so that the wife would be calm: “Do not be nervous, everything is fine, I am near, and I love both of you”. But this, in the first place, is addressed to a woman, not a child, most often behind such a promise there are very few paternal feelings that a man does not immediately have, like a woman, but, as a rule, over time and as a child grows up. The father is a slow process of growing together with the child, establishing affection, which does not exist by default.
The fact that the dad’s feelings for the baby do not appear immediately with his appearance is due not only to the physiology, but also to the status of a man. A father is a much more social being than a woman, that is, in order for a man to become a father, he needs society. It is society that appoints and offers men the role of the father.
Of course, a man who cares about his status, tries to comply.
HAPPY PARENTS: Are those women right who try to attract a husband to a child in advance by attending courses for pregnant women with him or insisting on his presence at birth?
ANATOLY DOBIN: Women need to keep in mind that such participation of her husband in these events, more often than not, is his personal initiative, but, nevertheless, the answer to her desire. Probably, courses, books on the subject, help a man to establish some kind of contact with the child quickly … At least he already finds out something about him, talks about him, gets used to the fact that he will have a child. There are also excesses in this interpenetration of husband and wife, when a man has some kind of hysterical identification with a pregnant wife, for example, his stomach hurts, during toxemia his wife gets nauseated.
But, unfortunately, the active involvement of the husband to everything related to childbirth is not a guarantee of his awareness of what is happening. He can obey a woman, walk with her, do everything, but … There is no feeling for a child. Regarding the presence at childbirth, in my personal opinion (but I could be wrong), is generally a very strange way of strengthening relationships.
Does he harm the couple’s sex life? And why is there a man there? Not just for a woman to see: now he understands HOW she feels bad, what is she going through?
But, believe me, the knowledge of the details of the physiology and all the drama and horror of childbirth feelings for a child in a man will not exactly develop.
HAPPY PARENTS: But why do women’s expectations of the newly appeared dad not so coincide with reality? !
ANATOLY DOBIN: Modern society is nuclear, that is, consists only of spouses and their children. We do not have large families, where, as in patriarchal or eastern families, several generations live together. In such families, the younger generation from childhood observes how adults treat babies, how new babies appear.
Thus, they are well aware of what they themselves will need to do when they grow up and become pregnant, and what, in reality, is expected from the husband, the father of their children. This knowledge relieves them of both anxiety and disappointment – nothing unexpected and extraordinary will occur from the appearance of a child in a family, this is a common event, a social norm. And all the fathers, at the same time, behave more or less the same.
In the majority of our modern families there is no such peace of mind, usually our mothers are seriously alarmed by the appearance of a child. And no wonder, this event is rare, happening, the majority, once in a lifetime, and, of course, the woman who gave birth for the first time, is in a difficult psychological situation. She feels anxiety, she feels confused in front of this little screaming creature with whom she does not know what to do.
She simply never saw such small children in her nuclear family! And if, besides, she grew up in a family without a father?
What model of husband and father for her child in general can we talk about? That is why, having married and having given birth, a woman expects from her husband only what she invented herself, or read somewhere, she saw in a movie. Or her mother, who herself was not very well informed, told her.
And often all this is an ideal, which in reality does not exist. And what is the real function of the husband’s wife does not know, never seen.
And the wives begin to attack their fathers’ husbands: “You are not that way!” Moreover, the less real men and father were present in the girl’s life, the more ambitious demands on him. Alas, her fantasies were not mitigated by the disappointing reality – dads in sweat pants and a t-shirt … The situation is aggravated if her husband grew up without a father.
Then he has a very distant idea about his role in the family and, realizing that he does not meet the ambitious requirements of his wife, often he realizes one thing: “We must run.”
HAPPY PARENTS: And what does a woman do in this situation?
ANATOLY DOBIN: Threats, blackmail, extortion. Is this not the best female methods?
Another intimidation and control. To the side did not look to everything in the house.
It is a pity, of course, that while he turns out to be a castrated and humiliated being, to whom his wife says: why are you not a man? And, seriously, do not forget that men also have a conscience and they usually, nevertheless, help their wives.
Even if they have no such involvement in the child, they participate in family life. If we are talking about a normal, normal family, the social role of the husband in her, as a rule, is performed well, normally.
Another thing that happens inside a man. Does he have any other fatherly feelings there?
But is it worth his wife to definitely find out! Men can help, not necessarily experiencing an energetic involvement in the life of a child and not thinking about the fact that “this is my child, and now I am a father!”
A man can simply perform a function at first, and feelings will appear later. Do not dramatize, calmly accept this reality and understand that the more a woman demands, the less a man will give.
Yes, any person, faced with the requirement, moves away! The husband will help, but the more enthusiasm in addition to this you require, the less sincerity you will receive.
Better give him space to realize yourself with the child. How to do it? Here you can draw an analogy with the advice of Donald Winnicott (English child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst).
He said that if you put a spoon in the child’s mouth, wanting to see the throat, he would resist, but if you give him that spoon in his hands, he will be interested, he will drag it into his mouth and, as a result, he will allow you to do it. So mom can advise just more often to leave the child in sight of a man, not introducing him by force and obsession. And to be more flexible, somewhere, if necessary, to play, to pretend, to show ourselves weak, soft, in need of help, to appear before a husband as a less phallic lady.
Give a man the opportunity to feel self-esteem and pride in himself, because he is extremely important sense of usefulness and usefulness. Even if you can do something, pretend you can’t. Without it – no way!
So, he will feel his father much faster. Be patient, if your husband is a decent person and loves you, then he will definitely become a good father.
HAPPY PARENTS: When does a man usually become a dad?
ANATOLY DOBIN: The connection between the child and the father is formed much later, at the moment when the baby begins to notice the father, recognize him, interact with him, wait for him – need the father. Dad becomes a dad when he can already teach a child something, share his knowledge, play football with him, finally. At a time when his role – the role of the father, it becomes necessary for the child.
It is at this moment that, most likely, attachment to the child by the father is formed. And not at all from the moment of his birth. Is there any “best time to breed” in the life of a man?
Probably when he has a specific desire to become a father. This is the best base for the appearance of the baby.
And, by the way, the conscious desire of a woman, too, which does not always become obvious. Why do people want a child? A woman often wants, only because her mother wants it.
And she herself does not understand whether she needs it. This is a big problem. You need to want the most, that’s extremely important.
Need to feel: I want a child. And not – “I want, because they demand from me and, finally, will be left behind when I give birth.” In this situation, the child is born and immediately goes to the address – to the grandmother.
So the daughter pays off from the mother. Here is a form of human sacrifice! And this happens very often today – they give birth to children not for themselves, not for the husband, but for their own mother.
It is clear that in this situation, the husband was initially relegated, as a father, his role in this capacity was diminished. He is the biological father, but nothing more.
With all this, after all, it is necessary to understand that there are no clear answers at what time, in what situation it is right to have a child. The baby appeared, it means that way.
It is important to accept it, not fussing, not worrying and not pressing anyone.