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Own among strangers

Own among strangers

From about the year children begin to intensively study the world around them. The impetus for this is curiosity. It is easy to be curious where it is safe!

And it is much more terrible to stick an inquisitive nose into an unknown world and communicate with strangers! For many children, this fear becomes an insurmountable obstacle to the discovery of the world.

Why it happens? It turns out that at about the same time, children divide the world into “their” and “alien”.

Yours is a gentle mom, a caring grandmother, kind dad. And a stranger is a stranger!

Can you trust them?

There are children who easily make contact, and there are those who are afraid of people who violate the boundaries of their world. Some mothers noticed how the baby’s behavior is changing dramatically, it is worthwhile for a stranger to gently pat him on the head, take a hand, ask about something.

The child instantly turns up behind her skirt and screams loudly, scaring away the “intruder”. Or retreats to a secret place, point blank without noticing a stranger. “Is my baby will remain a little savage? How difficult it will be for him in kindergarten! ”- mom complains uneasily. “What a clever person who does not go to strangers! – comforts her grandmother, – we are calmer!

Never leave with a stranger. ” Who is right – mother or grandmother?

What is better: to teach a child to avoid strangers or to communicate with them freely? Let’s try to figure it out.

It is difficult for us, adults, to understand what a foreign world means for a kid. And why at a certain moment children perceive strangers as little devils from a snuffbox. Psychologists believe that the factor of the wrong formation of the child’s aggression plays a significant role in this.

It would seem, what have children’s malice? But it is hidden in almost the main cause of children’s fear of others.

Rather, the fact that parents do not teach the child to properly treat her.

At different times, the baby has different feelings. The world is full of love – mother feeds, shakes on handles, gently presses to herself, sings songs, then anger – mother for various reasons does not come to the bed for a long time, does not pay attention to the crying and desire of the child. A complex mixture of anger, anger, aggression and kindness to the world is not divided in the mind of a child into good and bad.

This “division” is helped by parents! And, unfortunately, sometimes they do it wrong!

As he grows up, his good feelings are accentuated in communication with the child, and anger becomes a person “non grata”! “Do not throw the dice on the wall, do not kick your foot in the door, do not throw yourself on the floor, do not shout!” – a child hears from adults several times a day. Without conditional, it seems to us that we are right. How else to bring up?

Yes, you need to make comments, but it should be borne in mind that the feelings do not disappear anywhere! They can not be powdered and dispel the wind. They are either driven deep inside or projected onto others.

Over time, the child realizes that loved ones do not like his anger, and it’s better to be friends with loved ones! And the baby carries it to others. And since he does not understand that this is his own anger, he thinks that this alien uncle is a real evil.

Such a projection is one of the aspects of growing up a child who cannot adequately perceive aggression and correctly throw it out.

Own among strangers

This problem has a downside. If a child is too trusting and obediently gives a pen to a stranger, then this cannot but cause concern to the parents. And then moms and dads should think about it: why is their kid ready to go with a stranger to the end of the world for candy?

Psychologists believe that an absolutely gullible child has internal aggression directed at himself, as a result he cannot refuse to anyone. And the border between strangers and theirs is completely erased: “all people are brothers”! It often happens in families where the child is taken care of by a nanny from the moment of birth, and the mother is fully committed to work.

If the nannies change often, the baby does not have time to understand who among the adults is the basis of his safety. Who is his, and who is a stranger?

Without a condition, such a child grows outgoing, getting used to the change of strangers. It would seem, what doubts can be?

An open, trusting child to the world who has no problems with communication. What is there to break your head?

But such a baby does not realize that sometimes the world is dangerous! And people in it are different!

And sometimes, in order to protect oneself from them, one needs to get angry – to poke around, scream, hiss, flood his legs, throw his hands at the stranger who took his hand if he was not asked to do so. In this sense, fairy tales are very instructive. See how the story of the too-kind Red Riding Hood ended?

The girl was so trusting that she believed the Lord Wolf. Do not frighten the child with this example: “You see what happens with too gullible girls!” But be sure to teach him to express aggression where he wants it. What does a child with normal aggressiveness do when a stranger approaches him and takes his hand?

He will throw it up, run back to a safe distance, and even the language will show! Children should be able to balance in relationships with strangers.

Do not go with those who do not know, but do not hide behind the couch when guests come to their parents.

Our Denis is just a darling, a favorite of all our friends, always willingly went into their hands. For him, I, my friend Lena, sister Katya, and Alina’s niece are one.

He is ready to spend every day at least a whole day. They have been with us very often from the very first day of his birth, and the little son is used to everything. But I noticed that he would not go to strangers.

Once during a walk we met a young mother. I went to the kiosk and left her stroller. The scream was on the whole park!

So I’m not afraid for my son. He knows exactly where his, and where others.
Anna, mother of three, Denis

To properly treat strangers, you need to teach your child to seek a middle ground between danger and trust in relation to them. And it should be brought up gradually. In three stages: to allow the child to take and throw out anger, teach him to divide the world into “his / her own” and be able to control his own feeling of anxiety.

However, everything is in order! What happens when parents restrain a child’s anger?

She is driven inside. Such a child has many problems.

But we are talking about his attitude towards strangers. And here the development follows two scenarios: the child either transfers the negative to strangers (it’s bad to be angry with, and you can be angry at someone else).

Or he can not refuse him – it is forbidden to be angry at all! Of these children grow up adults who find it difficult to say “no!”.

After all, the ability to refuse is nothing but a civilized expression of aggression. How to teach a child to get angry? Suppose he began to throw everything that came to hand to his mother, who did not give an extraordinary portion of chocolate.

Shout at him? Mistake! He just starts to think that angry – it is not good, since such a tough response.

And being angry is normal! So tell the kid about it: “Well then! You’re angry now! You are a little bit, and I will wait! ”Mark his emotion, let him know that he has both good and evil feelings.

And both have the right to exist! “But after all he will get loose! – the strict parent will say. “And learn to behave badly.” And you send his anger in the right direction. Say that you can not throw anything at a person, but if you really want to get angry and throw things around, then you can – on a fluffy carpet, on a soft sofa, against the wall.

You gave his aggression the right to exist, and he would not transfer it to a stranger, thinking that each of them is Koshchey the Immortal!

I try to explain to my two children that strangers should not dictate anything to them. I talk about the rules of behavior with them and always emphasize that not all people are full of evil intentions, so that children do not get scared and do not think that the world is unkind.

It is different, and they should be ready for everything. But at the same time I always emphasize. that mom and dad will always be there, no matter what happens to them.

Children know perfectly well what is their own world and a stranger. They are not afraid of others, but rely only on their own.
Arina, mother of five-year-old Ilya and seven-year-old Uliana

Own among strangers

The child must divide the world into “yours is a stranger.” Wrong when boundaries are erased.

But then mom and dad first need to reconsider their attitude to the baby. If you do not allow him to refuse adults and sometimes behave as impudently as Peppy Long-stocking, if you too often trust a child to grandmothers and nannies and not to spend at least an hour a day with him, then he and her and others will lock into a single space!

And in each he wants to see a kind Santa Claus, who can not be denied: what if he does not give a gift? He does not want to know that Grandfather Frost is not only good, but also prickly and evil.

Spend more time in the circle of people close and dear to him, play joint games, tell tales where the hero meets other characters, and designate: “This is a stranger! This is not yours! ”Take the story of Kolobok: he ran away, confided in a charming, but cunning stranger Fox, for which he paid! Notice the child that strangers are different.

As trusting as Kolobok himself, as cunning as Lisa! And in dealing with them, first of all you need to be careful!

Parents themselves should be more attentive to their emotions. If the mother is anxious and often frightened by unusual situations in which there are strangers, then the child will be afraid of others. If a mother takes care of her child too much, it will also cause anxiety in a child: I will not communicate with anyone, otherwise how would that not happen! If the mother is a soul wide open, with everyone ready to share information about herself, the child will probably imitate her.

Teach children to treat strangers harmoniously: not to close too much, but not to trust too much. Explain that it is impossible to get acquainted with other people’s adults without mom and dad.

But if someone is near her, then the baby can also talk if she wants!

Teach him a careful attitude when you first meet. Let him look at the person first, observe how mom and dad talk to him, and then decide whether he wants to chat with him! During meetings with familiar, but not close people, keep a distance in communication: the kid must learn to draw boundaries. Allow him to hide behind you and do not pull him out of there by force to present to the interlocutor.

And later, if this person is important to you and the child will have to meet him and communicate with him, tell the kid about him: use warm, kind words.

In order to more clearly explain how to behave with strangers, think up a fairy tale about a bear cub that got lost in an unfamiliar forest. “And when he met an unfamiliar hare, he first stepped back a couple of steps, then he sniffed, then he looked – if he had sharp claws and sharp teeth – and only then decided to ask how to find the way to his native forest.”

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