Correcting children’s problems in adulthood can be difficult and painful. So much so that many are attracted by another solution to the problem – just blame the parents for everything. “You were engaged only in yourself, I saw you on holidays, and now you want me to create a happy family? But I don’t know what it is! ”In fact, such statements are fair.
After all, 90 percent of what we have in adulthood is acquired in early childhood. And parents are responsible for our character, outlook on life, the ability to build relationships with people and much, much more.
The parental example is assimilated from infancy – for the most part unconsciously, but very firmly. So we owe much of our talents, success in all areas of life, and achievements to our parents. And who is to blame for the failures?
Also they. But still you should not announce to parents that they have spoiled your whole life.
Firstly, it will not be easier. To all the existing problems will be added a general feeling of guilt and tension in the relationship.
Secondly, adults are adults, so that they can cope with all the problems on their own. Even with those who were in childhood.
Small children do not know the word “love” and do not understand its laws. But they are very sensitive and may even get sick if they do not receive warmth, tenderness and sincere affection from surrounding adults. For infants, such emotional deprivation — when adults, caring for a child, simply perform all the necessary procedures, without engaging in emotional communication — can be disastrous.
It leads to hospitalism, a painful condition similar to depression in adults. The child loses interest in the world and does not even cry, knowing that no one will do it anyway. Fortunately, in a family setting, this happens infrequently, but one should not think that children in safe families always feel loved.
Neither the fullness of the family, nor its material stability, nor the social level, by themselves, provide love for the child. “As a child, I wanted my mom to scold me. And so that she too stroked my head for a long time, wiped my tears and took me in my hands.
And she, in the case of misdemeanor, said: “Get out” and for some time after that behaved detachedly. Now I understand that I was just not born on time and was a hindrance for her – that is why there were no warm feelings. ”
Growing up, a person tries with all his might to fill the lack of love. Both men and women are looking for someone who will not just love them, but will be treated with adoration. It may be enough for several years to balance the feelings of the disadvantaged child recovered.
Another problem is the relationship with your own child. A girl lacking love from her mother risks not becoming a good mother herself in the future.
May not be enough tenderness, trembling, caress.
You can prevent this by returning to childhood and giving that little child what he was supposed to have according to his age – the boundless love of an adult. Now such an adult is definitely there – you yourself.
Take a child’s photo, remember your feelings in different situations and say the most touching and tender words that you needed then. And as often as possible cuddle with your loved ones.
Body contacts – hugging, stroking, just touching – have a truly healing effect, strengthening the basic sense of confidence in the world, improving physical and mental condition.
Even very loving parents can shout at the child, rudely pull it up or forget it in the kindergarten. Dad thought he was picking up mom, mom thought he was dad.
A small child listens to the steps on the stairs and thinks that they will never come after him. Children are emotional creatures, they do not know how to look at the situation in the abstract and logical to reason. And the moments of their resentment towards their parents are remembered very well – in all colors, in their own feelings.
And that is why resentment against parents can be difficult to part with even in adulthood. Although it is embarrassing to say that thirty years ago your mother dressed you in such a dress that the whole class was laughing.
What are dangerous offenses? First of all, a violation of communication.
There will be no openness, honesty, warmth – all that is necessary to feel confident and comfortable. There are possible conflicts in it – even if you consciously decided that it does not make sense to recall the old.
The problem of people who have experienced an insult in childhood is that they protect their children too much. “I will never do what my parents do”, “My child will have no reason to be offended”, “I know how hard it is for myself, and my child will not do it” … In fact, sometimes such beliefs don’t go to a child for good. No matter how cruel it may seem to us, children should know both disappointments and resentments.
It helps to prepare for the realities of life, learns to work with your feelings. There is nothing terrible if the child has a grievance, the main thing is that while he is still sure of our love.
“I have been to kindergarten since I was four years old and I still remember the feeling of melancholy and fear when the tutors closed the door for the night. Of course, Mom always explained that she had no other choice, that it was necessary because of work. And then my grandmother said that my mother takes me there “to spite her.”
They quarreled, and my mother did not want my grandmother to deal with my upbringing. I still can not forgive this.
Own ambitions were more important for mum, than a normal life of the daughter. Of course, I did not talk about it and generally tried to forget. But then my mother reproached me for inattention to my children. “Caring mothers carefully choose the school, and do not lead to the one that is closer,” she said.
I expressed everything I thought about caring mothers and about her in particular. ”
Do not keep resentment in yourself. If there is no real opportunity to talk with parents (or if you think that such a conversation will not be perceived adequately), use the psychodrama method.
You say everything you think on your own behalf, and then you yourself answer on behalf of your mother. You can say everything that comes to mind.
As a rule, several “sessions” are enough to find out all the circumstances, understand the parents and completely forgive. Although, the more complex the situation, the more work.
It is in all children and is a necessary factor for development. Seeing that adults are stronger, capable, intelligent, the child wants to become the same.
But the adults are right there: “You can’t do anything, don’t crawl”, “You will never dance – you don’t take such fatties”, “You read worse than everyone and, it seems, you will never learn” … By becoming adults, such children can go two ways. The first is to really do nothing and follow parenting instructions regarding the profession and personal life.
The second is to constantly strive to get rid of the feeling of inferiority, proving to everyone that “I can.” But even achievements do not give a feeling of confidence, if it was not laid in childhood. Often in his aspirations, a person comes to a nervous breakdown, unable to relax and stop at least for a short time.
And it does not matter which areas of activity a person cares about – a profession or a personal life. And with respect to their children, people with low self-esteem often have too high demands. “All the same, nothing sensible will come out of me, all efforts should be made to educate the child,” the educational process in the family follows this principle. Parents for the sake of a child can do everything: move to another city, leave their careers, practice their children literally day and night. “Wow, how caring,” think the surrounding.
In fact, the parents themselves get more. They (or one of them) finally have a feeling of significance, usefulness, realization.
But the child to implement other people’s plans can be very difficult.
It is necessary to fight the feeling of inferiority – otherwise it can be preserved for a lifetime, changing not only the way of life, but also the character. To begin, just thank (mentally) those who inspired you to him – thanks to them you have developed such qualities as perseverance and determination.
Then – learn to appreciate your achievements and just yourself, without achievements. Distinguish when criticism is constructive to you, and when just manipulation. Constructive, of course, must be appreciated, but with the manipulations mercilessly fight.
Just do not get involved in it emotionally – only respond to words. “Yes, I really do not have time for everything that I plan,” “We are all not perfect – everyone has his own shortcomings”, “Perhaps I should think about this” – these should be your answers to criticism. People who criticize us from wanting to spoil our mood or lose our temper will quickly lose interest in such a conversation – especially if they are answered in a kind and slightly ironic tone.
And our children will get a very good example: the sooner they learn that not all remarks addressed to themselves should be taken seriously, the better.
Quarrels, divorces, repeated marriages – the child cannot be indifferent to all this. Even in the best case, when there are people who are always ready to care and love.
Children suffer anyway, they experience that fear – because they don’t know what to expect tomorrow, that feeling of guilt – because, because of their egocentricity, they often mistakenly believe that they were the cause of such a family situation. When in a family everything is incomprehensible for years, quarrels become an integral part of everyday life, and adults, not being embarrassed in expressions, discuss each other’s shortcomings, then in the child’s presentation the words “family” and “problem” become, alas, synonymous.
When they become adults, it is with such attitudes that people get married. And it turns out that many problems are passed on from generation to generation.
Even those who were sure that they would never behave like parents would, at a certain age, subconsciously begin to repeat the same actions towards others.
Children from divorced families are more likely to divorce than those who have learned that in any situation you can agree and rectify the situation. Those who in their childhood repeatedly witnessed parental scandals also do not particularly hide their displeasure with each other in front of children.
And expectations from marriage are very similar to what we ourselves observed in childhood in the parental family.
But the negative scenario can be fixed. Imagine your future life – first so, in general, then individual events, and then – over time intervals. If you have noticed something superfluous in your submissions (adultery, problems with learning and child’s behavior, divorce, loneliness), then immediately remove it.
On the vacant place – all the best that you can imagine. This seems to be a pointless pastime – in fact, such dreams are one of the methods of positive psychotherapy.
Psychologists can not give an accurate explanation of how our thoughts and scenarios are implemented, but have a huge amount of evidence that the above method works. If you, thinking about the future, present difficulties with a child and expect that he will be an “exact copy of his terrible father,” then it will most likely be so.
So, you should definitely plan a more attractive course of events – one in which there is a good relationship, success and happiness of the whole family.