So capable was Masha. It was the best at school – parents did not know any problems.
But in life, then something did not work out. Either she chose a profession unsuccessfully, or she could not prove herself.
But her neighbor has become a very successful man. Who would have thought – he was once left in the second year. And it was Masha who wrote all his writings for him …
There are many similar stories. Most often, they are usually explained by problems of modern society or simple luck. The parents did not help in time, the means for self-realization were not enough, could not be at the right time in the right place.
In fact, such a pattern (or rather, the absence of a pattern) in connection with early abilities with success has been known for a long time. French psychologist Alfred Binet, the creator of the first mental ability test for children (with the goal of taking these data into account for admission to school and education), later noted that it is not always the test score obtained at the age of 3, 5, 7 years corresponds to the development indicators in further. The “middle” could achieve much greater success in adolescence, adolescence than the “most gifted” children; those who were recognized as incapable of coping with their studies and life tasks were not worse, and sometimes even better, than those who had previously discovered a “brilliant mind”.
More closely, the issue of the distribution of people on the test results was later studied by the American psychologist Lewis Theremin. He collected the test results of 3,000 people, divided them into groups according to the number of points scored and observed for almost twenty years. This study confirmed: there is no direct correlation between the child’s diagnosed abilities and his future success.
There were a lot of people in the Theremin group who showed themselves fully developed, socially successful, and intelligent. But it was impossible to connect it only with data on the scale of the intellect – among them were both “gifted” and “average” and even “backward”. The most interesting thing is that not one of the children, recognized as “superb”, has achieved such success as teachers and relatives predicted for him.
Why? Because in reality, qualities that are not directly related to mental abilities are very important. For example, restraint.
No matter how clever a person is, he is unlikely to be able to realize his abilities, having the habit of saying everything he thinks and slamming the door with any disagreement.
Ability to cope with failures, to draw conclusions from them and move on. The ability to make decisions, to understand their desires, make plans and follow them. The ability to communicate with different people, to find approaches to solving conflict situations.
The ability to distinguish the most important from the secondary is easy to part with what is no longer necessary. The ability to dream and look to the future optimistically … All these qualities are part of the concept of emotional intelligence. It is from them, although it is not always obvious, that most of our success depends (some psychologists and sociologists believe that at least 80%).
Signs of emotional intelligence in children can be seen quite early. “Yesterday I heard how the elder, Alina (she is almost five), was articulating to her three-year-old sister:“ Don’t ask Dad anything when he just came home from work. He must first eat, then read the newspaper. Only then can you come and ask him to play. “
I first wanted to make a remark to Alina. What we have – domostroy, or what? And then she thought she was right.
Husband really comes home from work screwed up and annoyed. If at this moment he is not allowed to sit still, then a quarrel may arise. “What, are you not playing with them at all?
Why do they hang on me? ”He says. Naturally, I answer that any other father would be glad for such attention. And offended.
And when children play quietly, then he himself is then ready to take them. In general, the whole evening is going well. Wow, what an astute daughter I have … ”
But parents do not always approve of these manifestations. Rather, approve them selectively.
If you can keep quiet while adults are talking, that’s good. And if you don’t want to leave the sandbox and insist on building the castle, this is bad. In the first case, “well done, you can keep yourself in hands”, in the second – “naughty boy, you can’t agree with you”.
But in both cases, the child manifests willpower – the quality of life is very important. It is on its basis that self-motivation is formed, the ability to tune oneself to a particular goal and not retreat from it. In the same way, the ability to find an approach to people looks two ways: something like a special ability to feel a situation, then just like a trick.
It also happens that adults are generally against the emotional development of a child – simply because it makes him an adult, independent, reduces the role of the parents themselves in his life.
So usually ask about the ability to mathematics, music, drawing. About emotional intelligence, it would be more correct to ask: “from where?”. Because its formation does not depend more on the innate qualities of character (although, of course, they matter), but on the example of behavior and the general environment.
It happens that the children of the same parents (and even with a small difference in age) have a different level of emotional development. One is friendly, optimistic, sociable, always ready to help and always finds exciting activities.
The other is a difficult and conflicting one, constantly provoking quarrels. Parents are looking for the cause in distant ancestors (“Yes, it seems that the grandfather’s brother was like this”) – after all, they are sure that they raised children in the same way.
However, most often it turns out that the reason is still in family relationships. “When the first child was born, my husband and I were just starting our own business. Problems was the sea. Of course, the child was not initiated into it, but, apparently, he was transferred anyway.
He is attentive to people, even suspicious. Anxious, tense, very painful, tolerates any setbacks – although in the first grade even grades are not given. Well, just exactly like us at the time.
Junior – open and joyful. The child of the period of well-being.
Children unconsciously adopt not only behavior, but even the emotions of their parents, their attitude to the world. If adults feel in harmony with the surrounding reality, they positively perceive what is happening, they know how to understand correctly, then children learn this. But as far as well-being is concerned, things are not so simple.
Life is absolutely no problem for the development of emotional intelligence is not conducive. Children growing up in ideal conditions from all points of view cannot always adequately respond to what is happening outside the home.
The world around them seems a place hostile and wrong, the need to go beyond the limits of his family is very low. In addition, they do not have the ability to improve something in their lives.
If conflicts do not arise, why learn from them? Ideas about the norms and rules of behavior in these children are also far from reality.
Learning to experience injustice from peers or adults, to cope with resentment such children can be very difficult.
Emotional intelligence can be developed at any age. If an adult realizes that his emotions interfere more than help, he may well reconsider his type of reaction, his attitude to life and learn to act differently. But everything is better to learn from childhood – it is easier to learn.
Parents should make sure that children first of all adequately perceive any emotions. You can not forbid a child to feel anything, even if you do not like it. “I am the elder sister of two brothers.
I was three when my parents brought an envelope with a baby and said: “This is your brother, you must love him.” It was difficult to love him – he deprived me of normal life. A year later, the youngest was born.
All my childhood, I heard: “Shame on you! Such a big one, but you cannot give up (read, play, regret). ” And now I can’t tell people if I don’t like something.
I can not openly express anger or shout. What’s bad about it?
That everyone uses my “accommodatingness” at work — they are asked to do completely extra work. ”
A child cannot study his emotionality if he hides emotions from himself or suppresses them. Help him and understand and accept the experience. “Of course you are upset. Anyone would be upset at your place.
But, you know, nothing terrible. Next time you can do it differently. ”
It is also quite early to begin to teach the child to manage their emotions. It is possible through advice and reasoning (“Probably you should not be offended for a long time, usually your friend always shares toys”), you can by example (“When I have a bad mood, I always listen to funny music”). Teach him to see the good even where it would seem there are none. “Because of the rain, we will not be able to go to the park.
And I will not meet with friends. But today we can do applications – all day is free. ”
Children who understand what it means to look at things more widely, then they themselves develop their skills. They are attentive not only to their own, but also to other people’s emotions – people understand better, they can calculate their actions.
All this gives them a very good start in independent living and the opportunity to show their abilities.