To understand once and for all what emotional intelligence is, let’s remember our classmates right now. Among them were excellent students and troechniki.
Some went to vocational schools, others – to MSU. And how their fate has developed today? Surely among troechnik there are successful careerists and even innovators, and among honors there are many simple managers.
But the universe is still fair, no matter how we tried to catch her in the opposite! We live in a society.
According to merit, it’s not those who just drank in knowledge, but those who know how to catch good moments. Being just a professional is no longer enough.
To achieve success in its broadest sense, you need to be able to find yourself, choose a favorite business and profitably sell your ideas, and for this it is important to communicate with others correctly. To be flexible, empathetic, not to enter into unnecessary conflicts, not to panic at failures, not to be offended by criticism and to defend your opinion where it is necessary.
It is possible to develop this range of useful qualities only if a person succeeds in realizing his feelings and needs to the full. Having received such an experience of self-knowledge, it becomes easier for him to understand the emotions that people around him also experience. And this is a direct way to get what you want from them.
It sounds pragmatic, but this is how our world works. If you want a child to exist in it comfortably, to work out from childhood should first of all be a sphere of emotions.
And he will be taught letters and counting at school.
It is difficult to overestimate the value of EQ. It is this kind of “intellect” that is responsible for how we interpret the events happening to us.
And we interpret them differently. Some people take offense at criticism, others take note. Someone after the dismissal gives up, and someone goes to conquer new horizons.
And so in everything. As a result, our personal view of the world affects the quality of our life in all its spheres and, in general, our destiny. Here is another illustrative example.
Imagine the situation: two boys participate in swimming competitions. One takes third place, but he perceives victory as defeat. The second, being only the fourth in the list, is full of enthusiasm and is already dreaming of the next swim.
How to explain this paradox? In the first case, the parents and the trainer put strict restrictions on the child: “It is today, now you have to win.” With these installations, they instilled in the boy a destructive thought: either you will leave the competition as a champion, or you will lose.
Any place other than the first was previously regarded as a complete failure. Having failed, the child was in a state of extreme stress and felt inferior. But the second boy was set up differently.
The message from both the coach and mom and dad proceeded like this: “We have this year’s task to take part in four competitions. Each time we will gradually develop your skills, analyze achievements and mistakes and, of course, practice a lot. ”
It is clear that with this attitude he is swimming with pleasure, and this is the only healthy way to keep motivated.
When we talk about emotions, only two scenarios are possible: either they control us or we control them. For every irritation from the outside, we react on three levels.
The first is the limbic system of the brain. She is responsible for many things, including emotions.
Then the received information is analyzed at the level of the neocortex. At this moment, the emotion is filled with meaning.
How exactly – depends largely on the stereotypical reactions that we unconsciously adopt from our parents. In our head that picture of the world is reproduced, which they transmit to us constantly.
Then, in response to the emotion, the body always responds. Imagine now that a dog is flying towards you.
What you do will depend on your EQ. You either think that she is mad – and then take off running, or you will have time to notice that this is a dog of your neighbor who is in a hurry to greet you. In the latter case, the natural first reaction, that is, fright, will be replaced by joy, and, instead of straining, your body will relax.
Exactly the same algorithm works every time we perceive new information from any of the senses.
Specific exercises and useful ideas for the development of EQ can be found on our website www.parents.ru. Today we will focus on one of the key points of the “educational” program, which is given to parents the most difficult.
It will be about the elaboration of “negative” emotions, as we used to call them. In fact, emotions are not bad, and they create problems and complexes for us because we do not know how to manifest them in an adequate form.
And we do not teach our children this. Many of us, having noticed a “negative” emotion in a child, either ignore it or suppress it. But this is a dangerous path.
The baby can understand his feelings only with the help of parents. If he does not have this opportunity, the load of undigested or unconscious experiences will crush with such force that it will no longer be possible to experience joy and pleasure in its pure form. That is why it is important to work with emotions.
How? Now tell!
Anger is always energy. When we get angry, we can fight back even those who are more violent.
Example Another kid took away your car typewriter, he got angry and hit him on the head with his fist. Some time passed, the storm subsided, and he is ready for a calm conversation.
Your actions First you need to help the child to voice the emotion: “I saw that you were angry because your machine was taken away. Take away – is wrong. The kid will soon learn not to take away, and you will learn not to hit back. ”
Then you can work separately with emotion. Discuss together: “When you are angry, what happens to your face, to your body? What do you want to say at this moment to do? ”Then compare rage with fire.
Give an example. When the candle is lit, it is beautiful. When a fire breaks out, it is already a disaster.
Just as a person controls fire, we need to learn how to manage our own anger. If we blow it up to the level of a fire, nothing good will come of it.
Then tell me how you can deal with anger. Not all children are able to control themselves, so in a similar situation, ask your child to squeeze the fists and stamp the leg with force, for example.
We need sadness in order to accept a loss or understand that something did not work out. Example: You sent a baby for the summer to your grandmother, and he is very sad because of parting with you.
Your actions To help your child accept sadness, ask your grandmother to hug him as often as possible. And it will be great if she agrees to tell him about her feelings too, for example, she will share that she is sad without her mother. And then together they can draw a fairy tale about Sadness.
As she left the house and went in search of her mother, she flew to her house with rain and a cloud and, like her mother, a beautiful flower bloomed under the window. And to add: “At the same time, Mother’s Sadness is also looking for you!” After some time on a walk, having found any flower at the curb, let grandmother say that he bloomed for him, that this mother’s love came to him along with her Sadness . After such a “presentation”, the crumb will surely cheer up and calm down.
A fairy tale, a drawing, a small real journey – all this will help him to accept sadness and then let it go.
Fear is a very important emotion, because it protects us from dangers. But sometimes fears get in the way.
An example of your baby is afraid of the dark. Your actions The most important thing is to teach the kid that “I” is not equal to “fear”.
I am not a coward, I feel fear. “Separate” the fear from oneself can be in different ways. Ask the child to show in which part of the body he feels it. In the stomach, throat, heart or heels?
Then offer to jump or move energetically to “shake out” the fear from yourself. Alternatively, fear can be drawn, molded from clay, and you can “make friends” with it if mom and dad turn on their fantasy and figure out how to do it. For example, a monster who lives under the bed, it makes sense to leave a piece of cake on a platter or give him a toothbrush, so that his sharp teeth never hurt.
In the same way, the monster can be made small or ridiculous. Such practices teach the child to manage their fear, and this is our main goal.
A great idea is to make a charm for your baby. Only the amulet will not cast out fear, but will fix a quality such as courage at the level of the body, emotions and thoughts.
Touching the talisman, the crumb will immediately remember that he can do everything. It is also extremely useful to give the child a guided experience of living fear, so that in the future it will be easier for him to overcome himself. Try together to go to some “sinister” place in the dark, with a flashlight, turning into sheets.
It will be a little scary, but overall it is pleasant and exciting, because at the end you will find a real “treasure”.
Resentment is a complex feeling: a mixture of unspoken sadness and anger, because desire was not fulfilled. But this is not a basic emotion, but a complex reaction: it always reflects the attitude of the child to what is happening. Example Baby painted your portrait, and you took and laughed. “Artist” offended in earnest.
Your actions If the child is often offended, it speaks of problems with self-esteem. You must observe yourself and your reactions to the efforts of the baby. You do not need to praise it or, conversely, overstate the bar, constantly pointing out the minuses and shortcomings.
It is better to kindly and impartially comment on what you notice: “You drew the sun and three trees / yourself got dressed today / made a song / made breakfast.” So you will learn to point your child to his achievements, even if they are very minor, and this greatly strengthens faith in yourself.
It is equally important to build a productive dialogue with the help of two questions: “Did you succeed in the way you wanted?” And “What else would you like to do?” Just let it be not a criticism, but a valuable opportunity for the kid to think independently of what direction would be worth practicing. Children who can themselves determine the zone of proximal development regard failure not as a failure, but as an incentive for self-improvement.