According to statistics, in 40% of cases the family falls apart due to the fact that their parents interfere in the lives of young spouses. Most often this happens through the fault of the mother, and, contrary to popular belief, mother-in-law in this process are as active as the mother-in-law.
How to direct the energy of my mother’s wife to a peaceful course, so that her daughter would have no reason to say: “She destroyed my family”?
“My husband brought me from the maternity hospital with a child and mother to our“ dvushka ”, where before that we lived on our own. Mom all the pregnancy said that she would help us, and we were just glad.
But I did not think that she would jump up to the baby at night, bathe him, dress him, for our share there would only be “bring-bring”, and she was unhappy with my husband all the time. It was heard every now and then: “Don’t take Misha (this is our son) into your arms – drop it!
What are you doing? Better get away, I will do everything myself! ”The husband hinted that my mother should go to his apartment, but I was afraid and still afraid that I would not cope with the child and the household. Mom, after all, not only helps the baby, but also bothers about the house.
Now the husband lives with his parents, we are on the verge of divorce. ”
In this situation, only at first glance it seems that the conflict arose only between the son-in-law and the mother-in-law. But in fact, problems exist inside the triangle “husband, wife and her mother.” The daughter is not ready to take responsibility for her life, for her actions and decisions, therefore she behaves like a child, that is, from the position of a child.
The husband does not feel himself a man, the protection and support of his beloved woman, as he lives in his house on the “bird rights”. Mom is trying with all her might to remain the main person in her daughter’s life, to influence her decisions and actions.
She continues to live with her child and for his sake, jealous of her son-in-law’s attempts to replace her in this role.
Each “side” of this triangle will have to reconsider its position: both the wife, the husband, and the mother-in-law — otherwise the conflict will only get worse and the collapse of family relations will be its logical outcome. Moreover, whose relationship will collapse: the wife with the husband or the daughter with the mother is a big question.
In order to live a full-fledged family life with a spouse, the wife needs to realize that she is no longer a child and accept her new role as wife and mother. Living with her mother, she realizes the scenario of her daughter – a person who is not responsible for her actions and does not solve serious and complex issues. What can help here?
Every time his wife should remind himself that it is her husband who is now her support and support.
Ideally, the spouse should help his wife “grow up”: to feel no longer a child, but an adult woman who has a personal relationship with a man. He should show that he is ready to solve many problems and take responsibility.
Mom will have to “let go” of her daughter and stop pestering her with her care. Now all her interests are focused on the child.
She does not take into account that this is no longer a little girl, but an adult. Mom should take care of herself and her life and stop interfering with her daughter.
It is easiest, of course, for young spouses to disperse from their mother-in-law. When the daughter and husband begin to live separately, they will have the opportunity to form their family roles and their way of life without thinking about what their mother will say and how she will react.
They will be able to be guided only by their interests and needs, which will only benefit. If for some reason it is impossible to disperse, it will be necessary to establish proper communication.
Schematically, it looks like this: at first the son-in-law says that he is satisfied, that – no, she discusses this with her wife, and she already conveys this information to her mother, expressing to her the general wishes and setting the rules.
“My mother did not have a personal life, she raised me without a father. My husband insisted that we live separately, but I did not dare, because I did not want to upset my mother, to whom I was strongly attached.
As a result, our family life has turned into hell: mother is always unhappy that the son-in-law is not sitting at the table like that, does not eat, wakes up too early in the morning, takes the bathroom too long, etc. And my husband does not like that I constantly consult with my mother on various issues.
We cannot even retire: it is worth going to her room, as mom immediately has urgent problems that she cannot solve without me. When my husband and I are going to go for a walk – my mother is upset. And although her husband is against it, I call her to join us so that she does not remain alone.
They wanted to keep a separate farm, but they only gave a hint at this, as my mother’s pressure jumped up and we had to call an ambulance. And recently, my mother decided that my husband is cheating on me, and began to talk about it openly. As a result, my husband and I are now on the verge of breaking off relations.
Can I fix the situation?
Most of all here got, of course, the daughter, who was between two fires. Quarrels with her husband are secondary, because they arise because of her relationship with her mother. Young spouses will stand up only if they achieve the opportunity to live their lives, without outside interference.
But the problem is that the daughter could not and did not want to distance herself from her mother. She is under the influence of the parent, shifting the responsibility for her life to her. Considering the mother as the chief assistant who is ready to solve all the problems, she undermines her husband’s confidence in her abilities.
Because of this, he can not be realized as the head of the family and practically ended up behind the “board”: he is regularly hinted at his uselessness. An additional stress for him was the understanding that in the life of his beloved he did not occupy a leading or at least a decent place for men.
As for her mother-in-law, she seeks to control the family of her daughter, implanting her own orders in her and considering an adult married couple to be her “children” who need to be educated and instructed. The mother is not ready to hand over the “reins of government” and separate the family of her daughter, allowing her to live independently.
The wife needs to shift priorities from the mother to her husband and it is with him that intra-family issues are resolved. As for mom, the daughter should act as a peacemaker mediator and protect her young family.
She should realize that such tensions between mother-in-law and son-in-law will not lead to anything good. There is a great risk that the man will leave the family, and she will be left alone with a bunch of unresolved problems, including those relating to her relationship with her mother.
Another important tip: you shouldn’t take responsibility for all the actions that your mother performs towards a young family. We cannot change another person, but we can change our attitude to the situation.
Husband should solve the problem with his wife. Is she ready to fight for her family? Does he want this?
Help in deciding to live your own, and not my mother’s family can support the spouse, his care, the ability to dispel fears. Two ways are possible in communication with the mother-in-law: to delegate communication with her to the spouse or, if she feels insecure, to take on this function.
It is important for mother to understand that the daughter is married and the main one who cares about her from now on is her husband.
It is best, as in the first case, to disperse from the mother-in-law. Once a husband expressed such a desire, it means that there are material possibilities for this. If for some reason it is difficult for her daughter to take such a step, she should constantly talk to her mother about her feelings, reminding her that she still loves her, but she has a family that she does not want to destroy.
Newlyweds should decide what they want, and defend the interests of their family, openly talking about them to a third party. It would be nice to understand why the mother-in-law behaves this way.
Perhaps for her the birth of a child was accompanied by difficulties or losses, and maybe the fact is that she raised her daughter alone and still lives in a state of hyper-love for her and is not able to let the child go on an independent voyage. In this case, try to direct her attention to the other side.
For example, find a hobby or hobby, engage in volunteer activities so that your mother-in-law has less free time and your circle of acquaintances widens. The second option is to create an additional cause for concern and concern – for example, donate a pet.
Then the wife’s mother will spend her energy on caring for him. In the end, she can transfer attention to herself, her beloved – to do fitness, go on a trip, etc.