As a mother of such a tender, loving, trouble-free daughter, it is very pleasant for you to hear her numerous declarations of love. But for some reason this situation seems to other people in a not so rosy key.
And you are asking your psychologist for a reason. You probably have doubts about the adequacy of the situation.
You up to the age of three your girls were inseparable from her. It turns out that you were focused on the child. Probably, at the same time you were offended and angry with your husband, with your parents due to the fact that there was no attention, care, understanding, love and support from them.
Sometimes it happens that a woman even feels a victim of circumstances.
You report that in childhood you didn’t receive the love of your parents. Therefore, you made a conscious decision to surround your daughter with care, love, attention, to give her everything that you did not receive from your mother.
On a conscious level, you wish the child well and want her to give her all the best.
Unknowingly you are aiming for the constancy of your family system. And you give the child over-care. This is the other side of neglect and does not bear the expected benefits.
It is as dangerous as lack of care and love. Over-care takes away from her mother all her time and energy. Mom comes to the rescue lightning always.
She is afraid to let the child out of sight. She is always ready to help, solve all problems for him, console and protect. But such love is required only for a baby.
She is more in the way of a child older. He becomes servitude.
Mom, denying herself everything, giving her all to the child, expects the child to meet her expectations. The girl feels obliged to you for your concern for her, for your sacrificial love.
In the event of even the slightest disobedience to your will, she feels a tremendous sense of guilt, which causes her to fill you with words of gratitude and confessions.
Normally, a child loves its parents, but does not give up its own needs, decisions and thoughts. If love is not sacrificial, not based on feelings of guilt, the child grows up an independent person.
He has the opportunity to grow and develop without restrictions. Guilt imposes very serious barriers.
As a result, it is difficult for a child to make an independent decision, take initiative and defend his position. Growing up, a person becomes an emotionally infantile adult.
In the case when the mother internally feels unnecessary, lost love, she unconsciously broadcasts anxiety. The child takes her mother’s anxiety as her own. Then he concludes with a judgment on why mom is so unhappy, why she is so bad.
And unconsciously chooses a method, as it is necessary to contact the mother, so as not to lose it.
Your girl has a very high anxiety. Fear of losing you and being completely alone.
It is important for her to double-check whether you love her. This is for her safety record.
Repeating again and again the words of love, she is waiting for your confirmation that you, too, love her very much and will not abandon her. Your girl is emotionally dependent on you, on your reaction, your mood. She lives for you and for you.
For her, the main need is to please you, to be approved by you.
This is how a neurotic personality is formed, always looking for love, approval and recognition. First, it is a search for the love of a mother, then friends, and then a spouse.
But everything can be corrected, changed now, while the girl is small. You need to start with mom – that is, with you.
Look at your family from the side. You love your daughter very much, and she reciprocates your love.
Earlier, before her birth, you yourself probably were looking for an opportunity to prove to your mother and later to your husband that you deserve love. You sacrificed yourself, your interests for their sake, for their encouragement, in the hope of their acceptance.
But they could not accept and love you as you really need? It’s a shame that they are so unfair to you?
It is important to be able to accept yourself and stop waiting for them to accept you! Only by accepting and loving yourself can you become independent and take full responsibility for your life.
After that, a renewed healthy relationship will be lined up with her husband, mother and daughter.
The help of a family therapist would be very helpful in this situation. You need to understand yourself, your feelings. Allow yourself to become a strong and independent person.
Accept and love yourself. Then you will be able to accept and forgive your mom. Then you can let the child grow as an independent person.
The girl will find harmony, learn to take responsibility for her life herself, make decisions, become strong, strong-willed, purposeful.