Immediately after the birth of the first child, it suddenly turns out that everything turned completely different from what was expected. Books about babies, where the pure-skinned cupids only did what they smiled from the pictures, promised: in the first months the child will mostly sleep. In fact, he cheerfully declares himself day and night, on walks he does not intend to lie quietly in a wheelchair, and in general the ideal pastime for him is at home.
In your hands. And so you do not come off on such little things in life as food or shower. And then he suddenly, refuses, eats or scares you with the contents of the diaper, suddenly changed its color.
I would like to immediately share all these new events and experiences. However, if a close friend is not in a similar situation, then very soon her patience will end, the child’s dad is at your disposal only in the evenings, and the grandmothers are generally convinced that you are not doing everything right.
It was at this moment that the lost ground, and even the young mother locked in the four walls, acquires Internet communities like her, comrades in the happiness of motherhood, who know perfectly well how she is able to stun in the first months. Here she is always ready to talk, encourage, give important advice.
Perhaps the most important bonus that a young mother receives, regardless of whether she becomes an active participant in the forum or a passive reader, is understanding that everything is in perfect order with her baby. Her case is not unique. And she did not get a restless child, with whom she does not know how to cope, as her grandmothers sometimes assure, who successfully forgot their parental experience after years.
It turns out that not all babies sleep angelicly in cots, with short breaks for food, and just the same night crying all the time. And it seems that the crib was bought, for good reason – after all, the baby stubbornly prefers only your bed – other families collide.
And in his special, as you think, belching and some kind of suspicious chair is not unusual.
“Virtual communication with other mothers eased the stress of the first months,” says Marina. – The child sobbed continuously, and I already sometimes started from tiredness and lack of sleep to cry with him. He did not like to walk, he always cried in the road seat of the car.
Finding one of the forums, which for a long time became my second home, I stopped boiling in my juice and clearly saw that dozens of mothers went through exactly the same difficulties. In addition, it was there that I was prompted by one small trick – to put the baby in the crib on the feeding cushion.
Indeed, it became more comfortable for my son to fall asleep, and I had more time. ”
“It’s one thing when you abstractly know that difficulties pass. Quite another is when dozens of mothers respond to your question, ready to talk about their experiences and cheer you up, says Irina. – On most of these “mother forums”, common sense reigns, and no one will undertake to give advice regarding serious health problems that need to be addressed to specialists. However, a bewildered mother, who seems to be doing everything wrong, will be supported in the fact that it is important to follow her maternal intuition.
In addition, the forum can find a lot of “my mother’s tricks,” which are not written books and pediatricians do not say, to make life easier. For example, experienced mothers have suggested to me that if a child does not like to bathe in a bath, then he can simply be wrapped in a diaper and he will not be so scared.
And it worked. ”
And even if the baby is calm and you get along well from the very beginning, the whole way of life inevitably changes. Everything revolves around the routine of the day and the interests of the child.
And although a couple of months ago it seemed to you exactly: you don’t get bogged down in conversations about diapers – you suddenly find yourself thinking that you really want to talk about it.
“During the first months I really wanted to share the news about my baby and generally talk about the children for my own pleasure,” admits Alina, the mother of four-year-old Misha. – I understood that girlfriends who have not yet got their own baby dolls or have grown them long ago are just not interested in hearing about it in such details. In addition, I remembered very well how before we among ourselves called the endless conversations of our acquaintances about children: “conversations klush”. Now I understand well: there really is a period in the life of a woman when a baby eclipses everything.
Now the child has grown up, has become an organic part of life, and there is no longer any need to talk about it continuously. But I am glad that it was at that moment that I found like-minded people and, as they say, “grateful ears.”
Moderators of many popular forums note: as a rule, mothers are actively involved in virtual life the first two years after the birth of a child. At this time, they are learning for the first time a new role for a parent, which causes a lot of emotions and experiences. In addition, this is usually the time of the decree, the child still does not go to kindergarten or developmental activities, and the mother has time to communicate. As a rule, after going to work, activity gradually declines.
However, in such communities, relationships are often established that become friends not only in the “virtual”. People meet, acquaint children, celebrate children’s birthdays together and even spend holidays.
“The very memory of the fact that at a significant and emotionally difficult moment of life, when a woman can be especially vulnerable, there was someone who was near and supported, very close to each other,” says psychologist Olga Matvienko. “And if later it turns out that people share life values and interests, sometimes such relationships become very strong and durable.”
“With the advent of the child, the need for a new“ family logistics ”arises at once,” says Maria, a permanent member of one of the communities. – This is a search for a competent pediatrician, a proven nanny, a children’s center for celebrating a birthday. And on the forum you can get advice in almost all areas related to the child’s life, from the list of the most useless things for babies, which will save you money and time to a detailed list of what you should take with you on a trip.
And if it were not for the help of the collective mind, I would certainly have made more mistakes. And here people generously share their trusted contacts, none of the recommendations let me down. ”
The huge help of parental forums, especially those resources that have been in existence for the first year, consists in a large amount of accumulated information, verified by personal experience. By setting the topic of interest in the “search on the forum” option or by creating your own, you can not only get useful information, but also, and most importantly, find out the personal impressions of those who used these services.
“Sometimes it’s like a real brainstorming session,” says Arina. – Comes the person who chooses the stroller, and shares his wishes. And other parents readily talk about the pros and cons of those they have personally encountered.
And in the process of discussion, the best option is sought. Of course, the decision rests with the mother herself, but, having such a palette of opinions, it is easier for her to draw her own conclusions. ”
“With all the questions, I automatically visit our“ mother forum, ”admits Ksenia. “I recently celebrated my daughter’s birthday, and I wanted to bake a birthday cake myself. Of course, it would be possible to apply for a recipe to any culinary forum, but I trust those with whom I have long been familiar on our virtual platform.
I know for sure that I will get a proven recipe. ”
As a rule, the confidential atmosphere is formed on the “forums of moms”; nevertheless, the costs of virtual communication are also often manifested here. “In a situation where you communicate with a person incognito, people often do not hold back their emotions and speak very sharply,” said psychologist Olga Matvienko. “And the fact that, in person, when we see the interlocutor, we hear the intonations of his voice, could smooth out, in a virtual space, the fire will flare up.”
“Usually on any parent forum there are some of the most“ hot ”topics, which translate into fierce controversy, says the creator of one of the sites, Olga Pavlova. “These are, as a rule, topics where breastfeeding and artificial feeding, on-demand feeding, vaccinations, natural childbirth, and cesarean section are discussed.”
Harmless, as it seems, the theme of the nutrition of children of the first year causes, perhaps, the most heated discussions. And the question of how best to act in order to prolong breastfeeding or, on the contrary, to finish it as soon as possible, develops into a debate about “true motherhood”.
As a rule, advocates of HB are sure that any woman can and should breastfeed if desired. They argue that not only by strengthening the immune system, but also by the special bond between the mother and the child, which is thus created.
This causes offense and rejection on the part of those who for some reason did not feed the child himself.
“Many times I promised to go into the branches dedicated to GW,” Oksana admits. – And all because the position of some of the participants in the debate, defending breast milk as the only correct way of feeding and frankly intimidating other inexperienced mothers, seems almost sectarian to me. The notion that a child without HB will certainly get sick is refuted by the experience of many. And the assertion that the connection with him will not be so strong touches those who have gone the other way, and now suddenly they turn out to be some kind of “non-homework.
I can never agree with that. ”
“I just want the forum to have complete information about the beneficial qualities of breast milk, which are indisputable,” says Irina. – And also that all who face difficulties: lactation crises, refusals of a breast, – knew that the majority of these problems have solutions. I consider it necessary to urge a young mother who comes to us for advice to think carefully about her decision to stop HB.
And if she hesitates, tell her how to fix it. ”
“In fact, all these topics: about breast milk and mixtures, childbirth and vaccinations, discuss the same thing – how to lay the first bricks that will make the child healthy and happy,” says Olga, moderator of one of the forums. And if in the heat of controversy someone firmly refutes your path, it is “read” as a charge of maternal inconsistency.
And due to various personal circumstances, the participants in the discussion are sometimes very painful. ”
Another topic that is also at the peak of emotional discussion is natural birth versus cesarean section. “Wanting to convince the future mother that if there are no very serious contraindications, it is important to choose only natural childbirth, opponents of the CC put forward” heavy artillery “designed to set the operation as a traumatic test for the child and for the mother herself,” Marina shares her observations . – However, the thought in such discussions is a refrain: a truly loving mother with her baby will not do this and will only give birth to her herself. And although I gave birth in a natural way, I can imagine how such statements can wound up someone’s wounds. ”
Indeed, if during pregnancy there was a very strong mood that everything should develop only naturally, but as a result the birth scenario went differently, then conversations on this topic, which are conducted in an imperative form, can cause painful experiences.
“It is no coincidence that it is these topics that are so difficult to discuss, because they involve deep issues related to motherhood and the very first contact with a child, when the connection with him is only established, says psychologist Olga Matvienko. – And the polemic fuse of some forum posts is taken literally as an attempt to challenge that you are a devoted and loving mother. In general, the topic of the usefulness of oneself as a mother for many women refuses to be painful for many reasons.
It is no coincidence that the British psychologist Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of “good enough mother,” meaning that ideal mothers simply do not exist. As there are no ready-made recipes in relationships with children.
And only mother herself will always intuitively know how she should raise and raise her child. ”
“When reading topics where everyone is trying to defend his own path and rightness, it is important to maintain some inner distance and not allow himself to be induced by other people’s experiences,” said Olga Pavlova, the creator of one of the sites. – It is worth remembering: proving something to the interlocutor, many unconsciously try to prove it to themselves. And assert themselves in the role of the mother, who is doing the right thing. ”
Of course, on the forums there are people of different temperaments, levels of culture and life experience. And not everyone will lead a polemic with due delicacy, taking into account the feelings of their virtual interlocutors.
“I would advise to communicate always smoothly, benevolently and not to argue about whose choice is the most successful in raising a child,” says Olga Pavlova. “They will never lead to the truth anyway, simply because everyone will have their own.”