Psychologists distinguish several psycho-types of mothers with different types of behavior. Calm, balanced mother is a kind of standard of motherhood. Her child grows up in an atmosphere of kindness and benevolence, she is always ready to help him, but will never be too intrusive.
However, there are other types of moms: forever competing, whose child is better; “All-knowing”, absolutely self-righteous and unwilling to listen to the advice of others; scattered mothers and moms who are completely fixated only on their own child. Sometimes it is difficult to cope with such women.
But we will help you understand them better, and therefore learn to communicate with them.
“Fighting” mom. Everything your baby can do, her baby does much better and faster.
It seems that the same girl who, at the institute, always tried to find out what grade you received on the exam, and if she was below her own, she surely boasted about it.
How to behave
Think about why this woman behaves this way. After all, if she constantly needs confirmation that she is “better,” then her self-confidence is very dependent on the opinions of others. And, therefore, her self-esteem is in fact quite fragile and questionable.
Everyone needs to feel themselves in something better than others, just this woman chooses the easiest way of self-affirmation – at the expense of others. After all, when her child is “the best”, it means that she is “the best mother.”
Do not play her game, psychologists advise. When a rival mom begins to brag without a moment’s immaculate performance of her son at a concert in kindergarten last week (naturally, after expressing her sincere condolences to the fact that your baby was scared of the scene and stood “rooted”) quickly congratulate her and, apologizing, retire to talk with other parents.
However, there is another option: tell me that you are sure that her baby will certainly become a star and the paparazzi will not give him a pass! A competing mom will stop bragging if she realizes that you are not taking her seriously.
Of course, it is unpleasant to feel that your child is “on the bench”, but you should not react violently to the words of the competing mother either. If you know how to manage your emotions, then you will understand that behaving like her is stupid, especially for an adult woman. Never tell her about the achievements of your child – it will once again spur her.
Understandably, you are proud that your baby has finally learned how to tie shoelaces on its own. But better share this joy with someone else.
Mom is an expert. She knows absolutely everything.
And for each question she has her own, unshakable opinion. She knows for sure whether you should work or stay at home with your child, which kindergarten to choose, as well as for how long, how often and even how to breastfeed the baby more correctly.
How to behave
Inexperienced “victims” of expert mothers try to excuse themselves politely: “I stopped breastfeeding because I started to have mastitis, and the baby remained hungry after each feeding.” And this is their mistake.
Such a mother is not interested in your opinion or your personal experience. For her, there are only two opinions: his and wrong. And from you she needs only complete obedience and agreement in everything.
But, as you know, how many people (moms, doctors, psychologists …), so many opinions. Scientific ideas about correctness and incorrectness change almost every day. And what is important is not what is right, but what is right for you with your particular child.
That is what you need to keep in mind every time when such a mother begins to criticize you. Sometimes her “omniscience” (if it is really supported by erudition) can be useful. If only her opinion is imposed, “because it is true,” it is no better or more important than your own.
And nobody has the right to criticize you. Tell her that for advice on this issue, you should contact a specialist from whom you can ask to the fullest extent, and unscientific and unverified opinion does not interest you.
“Democratic” mother. Your children get along well with each other, but the attitude to the problems of upbringing and the outlook on life between you and this mother differ greatly. Your baby loves to go to the “democratic” mom, as she allows you to drink soda in liters and play computer games all day long.
And this is despite the fact that you do not approve of it and have repeatedly asked her not to allow such liberties.
How to behave
Without condemning it, try one last time to explain why you set such rules and how important they are for you. Believe me, any parent will be upset that he sets a bad example for children. If after this conversation nothing changes, you have two options: follow her example and make an entertainment center for children from your home (with the best sweets, all sorts of toys, the latest computer games and cartoons) where you want to spend more time; or the second option – minimize the communication of your kids (exclusively in kindergarten).
Just be sure to explain to your child why you did it. Find such words so that from the point of view of his childish logic, the crumb understands that everything is done in his own best interest. And that your bans on unlimited time for computer games and drinking soda are not unreasonable.
Find good examples. Suppose you can say to your baby: “Remember, yesterday you drank soda, and today you had a tummy every morning”.
Or: “You stayed late until yesterday with Petya in the computer, and then you had a headache for a long time and you could not fall asleep.” He must understand that by not always doing what you want, you are doing good for yourself.
In addition, by limiting the intercourse of children, you will give the “democratic” mother a reason to wonder why this happened, because, perhaps, not only yours, but her baby will also miss the jointly spent time. And then she, maybe, will reconsider something in her own behavior and will understand that, when hosting other children, she should bear full responsibility for them and take into account the opinion of their own parents.
Unauthorized mom. She allows her child to break the rules, as she cannot or does not want to confront him.
In the kindergarten or on the playground, she pretends not to notice how her baby hits yours. When you go with the children to the park, she allows her child to feed the ducks, while ignoring the huge forbidding sign. The “good-looking” mother sometimes even takes pride in the fact that she is “her own board”, although in fact she is not even trying to discipline her baby at least a little.
She just wants to be his best friend.
How to behave
Instead of paying attention to the problem of such a mother, better try to find an approach to her baby. For example: “Guys, let’s continue to express our desires with words” or “Have the ducks have a bad tummy if you feed them cookies.”
And yet it is better to reduce communication with such a parent. You do not have to indulge her or be like her. It seems that she is in constant insecurity – what to do, what not to do, and therefore it is easier for her to disclaim responsibility for the child’s behavior or not to take it at all.
But this does not mean that you should do it.
Show this mom, and most importantly, her children, an example of the fact that authority is needed and helps to live. Solve the problem of a child as a mother before her eyes, and not as a friend: for example, when your children fight, come, understand, listen to the children and resolve their conflict so that they both remain satisfied and go on playing together, surprised and delighted that they were shown how to solve problems in a different way than they did before. You teach them to be friends and show them a more mature strategy of behavior in a conflict.
They (including someone else’s child) will respect you and, most likely, in the next conflict they will come to you for advice and help, ignoring the “unauthorized” mommy. It is here that it will be a reason for her to think, and if she does not make a mistake, in every way indulging her own baby.
Mom-selfish. For such a mother there is no one except her crumbs. For example, at a puppet theater presentation in the library, children are asked to sit down on the floor so that everyone can see what is happening on the stage.
But when the presentation begins, the “selfish” mother signals her daughter to sit on her knees in order to see everything better. And she absolutely does not care what your child now can not see anything.
How to behave
You would feel tremendous relief simply by pushing the selfish mother aside. However, you see, this is an uncivilized method. If you behave rudely, she will consider herself entitled to be rude to you in return.
Try to fight this mommy with her own weapon – learn from her that your child is also “the most important thing in the world,” and behave accordingly, but politely and tactfully. Only you can protect the rights of your child. For example, say in a whisper: “Sorry to be worried, but my daughter is sitting right behind yours, be so kind, put your own on the floor, since mine cannot be seen behind you.”
If she ignores your request, be harder. Say: “I understand that you do not want to disturb your daughter during the performance, but the organizers asked all the children to sit on the floor.”
If she refuses this time, it means that asking is meaningless. Transplant your child or ask the actors to move a little.
It is very important to always protect the interests of your baby.
If you have to work closely with such a mom, make sure that your children make friends – then it will be easier for her to take into account the interests of another child, to see that he is the same as her child. Try to take this feature into account and pay more attention to your baby when he is close to her child.
This is necessary so that the baby does not feel deprived of your care alongside such a hyper-protective mom.
Scattered mom. She always doesn’t have time to pick up her baby from guests or kindergarten on time, she changes diapers right on your new sofa in the living room.
Such a mommy can be called scattered rather than rude and ill-bred. She constantly “hovers in the clouds” and is too passionate about herself to understand that her behavior is sometimes too annoying to others.
How to behave
Well, in the end, you do not have to be her mother. She is an adult and, like you, bears full responsibility for herself and her actions. And while her distraction does not give you trouble, you can ignore it.
However, it may be that her lateness violates your plans and schedule, and the constant forgetfulness deprives your children of leisure activities. Decide on the rules and tell her that you are waiting for her after the appointed time of not more than 10 minutes, and then leave. And the tickets to the circus or to the play each have their own.
And so on. The main thing for you is your child’s own comfort and convenience.
Remember that it is difficult to rely on such a person, and consider these specifics when planning a joint pastime.