About thirty years ago there was no choice: as soon as the first suspicions of pregnancy appeared, the couple quickly rushed to the registrar office. And the more time shared the wedding and the birth of the heir – the better.
Since then, everything has changed dramatically: in Europe, almost 50% of the first children are born out of wedlock. And young parents are free to choose when to get married – and whether to marry at all. “Everyone has to decide for himself, depending on his principles, religious convictions, views on family life and the concept of responsibility,” explains French psychoanalyst Bernard Zheberovich.
“We often talked about this, but my partner obviously didn’t really want to marry – for him all this is an empty sound. Since neither he nor I are not believers, the wedding is excluded for us. A hike in the registry office is somehow colorless and meaningless.
And then, our main commitment to each other – here it is, in the crib lies. We together gave birth and bring up a child – what other proofs of mutual feelings are still needed? At the beginning of our relationship, I occasionally raised the question – like many other women, I am sure.
I told myself: how can it be that a man does not want to ask for my hand and heart? I waited for this proposal for a very long time, but now I’ve finally switched – we are thinking about the second child, and not about a piece of paper with a seal. ”
Elena, 32, mother of 3-year-old Sonya
When? “Since the couple begins to gain some stability, the question of marriage soon comes to mind,” explains the psychoanalyst. – Even if this question has already been raised and the answer on both sides was negative, it inevitably re-emerges after the birth of the child. The context has changed, and the partners ask themselves if the moment has come to get married anyway. ”
But what exactly has changed? The child strengthens the parental couple in its inviolability, fixes the corresponding roles – for life.
If, by and large, today society acknowledges that a love affair is not eternal, then the indissolubility of parental relations is exalted and encouraged. In other words, even if we disagree, we remain parents and must together bear responsibility. Unfortunately, often after a divorce, children gradually lose contact with their fathers.
Sometimes it comes to the fact that they are no longer seen at all. “A wedding is a confirmation of the male right to a place in the family, in the family, this is the official guarantee of his place near the child,” says Bernard Zheberovich. “If something even goes wrong later, after the formation of another family, when new adults and new children appear on the scene, it will be easier for everyone to find their place.”
“Wedding? We have been thinking about it regularly since the baby was born. But they realized that they are not very disposed towards marriage – neither I nor Alla.
The principle of our relationship: each has its own life. Everyone has to provide for himself, everyone makes decisions that do not concern the child, independently, each is ready to bear responsibility alone. Once married, people begin to be lazy, do everything out of habit – it kills love relationships.
I need tension, I want to feel threatened. I prefer to say “my bride” or “beloved” rather than “wife”.
I like the fact that the mother of my child retains her surname, her individuality, her history, her family, her originality. I don’t need a complete merger. ”
Nikolay, 37 years old, father of 2-year-old Serezha
But the question “marry or not” is connected not only with the birth of a baby. That is why it affects people so deeply that it exposes the most intimate: the idea of both partners about what their relationship is and how they should develop in the future.
A marriage proposal is always perceived as proof of love and a willingness to make commitments, the expert states. – No matter how modern and advanced we are, nothing can be done about it – these are children’s fantasies, dreams, the need for unreasonable, unconditional love. On the contrary, a rejected offer or deliberate ignorance can be interpreted as a symptom of vulnerability, instability of relations, even as a complete rejection of the partner.
28-year-old Anna, having parted with a partner after three years of marriage, confirms: “I had the feeling that I was not good enough for him, that he didn’t love me so much that he wanted to marry.” And – testimony from the male side – 31-year-old Peter recalls: “I felt very offended by Katya’s refusal. I so wanted to introduce her to my family and plan our future together! ”
Even if the refusal does not lead to a rupture of relations, psychological trauma does not pass, it is driven deep inside: the partners – especially the offended – prefer not to talk about it anymore. But the wound can come to light years later, at a crisis moment. Then the “victim” may well lay out to the other everything that he wore for a long time.
And you can wait for such a monologue: “I understood everything even then, when you refused me (a): you doubt that you love me insufficiently, and you want to preserve your precious freedom – so get it.”
“When I found out that I was pregnant, I really wanted us to get married. But Oleg did not see any point in this. I swallowed my frustration.
Now we have two daughters, and it turned out that it was the husband who was sitting with them: he was at home after being fired, and they were just waiting for me at work. Now Oleg insists on getting married – in order to “have status,” as he says.
He suffers from a lack of public recognition, and it seems more attractive to him to be the “husband of the architect” than to be the “daddy-mistress”. But every time he talks about it, I translate the conversation. Yes, this is my revenge – so what? ”
Irina, 29, mother of 4-year-old Polina and one-year-old Veronika
It also happens that the question “why don’t we get married” provokes a serious conflict and even confrontation. “When one passionately wants to live in marriage, and the other just as passionately does not want it, it is difficult to reach a compromise and harmony,” the expert continues. Coexistence is threatened because the partners start arguing all the time and put forward their arguments. Both feel uncomfortable: they are not understood and not heard.
And even after reasoned and measured conversations, one is still unconsciously trying to put pressure on another. “I remember one man who told his wife:“ Yes, you are right. But you are not right in that you want to be right. ” Forcing, forcing others to do something has never been a good decision, especially in the area of relationships.
The only worthy reason for marriage is mutual desire, ”the psychoanalyst summarizes.
Some people do not imagine living together outside of marriage, others see this as excessive organization, severity, which they prefer to avoid. Confident of the feelings they have for each other, in their desire to live and strengthen their bond for many years, these people do not think about the wedding.
All positions have the right to exist. The main thing that matters is full democracy: the official registration of marriage is a conscious choice of both partners.
This is a question that is discussed and solved only together – without children, parents and other relatives. And both of you should be ready to live with your decision, so that no one suffers secretly and the couple is really happy.
“My daughter is already my last name. But I want Julia to wear it too, I will be proud when I can call her my wife. We love each other very much, we don’t want to part and sleep apart in our bachelor apartments. And although we know that love does not last forever, we still would like to believe in it, so we are sure to get married soon!
I still don’t know when, but we are already discussing how it will be: we will precisely organize a big holiday and call together a bunch of friends. ”
Konstantin, 26 years old, father of 9-month-old Arina
The reasons for which lovers are combined by legal marriage are numerous. But here is a paradox: if some find them worthy, others, on the contrary, turn away the same considerations. And how do you look at it?
Think for yourself and ask your man.
FOR You can blow the general collection of both families and friends – to spend together an unforgettable day surrounded by your favorite people. This is a great opportunity to unite the two clans and consolidate new family ties.
AGAINST It is not necessary to get married at all to arrange a holiday. In addition, the organization of a large-scale congress of all relatives cannot be called a pleasure: everyone has their own circumstances, their preferences, so anyway, you will offend someone willy-nilly.
Not to mention the fact that the union of two families can provoke large clashes!
FOR People do not marry every day – it means that this is an important decision, a big responsibility, recognition of a new status. This means that we have decided, we are ready for this responsibility, we believe in marriage and we will do everything so that our relations are stable, happy and last for many years.
AGAINST Real responsibility is not a stamp in your passport, but a decision to give birth and bring up a child together. And then marriage is the grave for love.
Realizing that the partner is defeated, captured and ringed, we no longer try to surprise or seduce him. Proof: every third marriage breaks up in the provinces, and every second marriage breaks down in the capital! (But we must bear in mind that unregistered couples simply do not fall into official statistics.)
FOR When we register a marriage, both of us automatically commit ourselves to contribute to household and household expenses, together with courageously meeting children’s whims. Even in the case of divorce, you can count on the help of your spouse – at least in regard to the costs of raising a child.
AGAINST We have the same responsibilities towards children, whether we are married or not.
FOR The whole family is one name – so clearer for children. Everyday moments and relations with administrative bodies are simplified.
AGAIN Already a long time ago, a common last name has ceased to be a general rule – even with official registration. Today, all forms of the family are possible: do not surprise anyone with the fact that the father and mother have different surnames, as well as the fact that they live in an unregistered marriage.