Who among us in childhood was not a worthy successor to the work of Baron Munchausen? We all experienced extraordinary adventures in our imagination, traveled full of dangers and wonders and found countless treasures.
What is a child’s lie: a way of self-defense, an attempt to relate reality to your desires, or an unrestrained flight of imagination?
We adults are accustomed to condemning liars. However, for the child the boundaries between truth and falsehood are not so obvious.
He believes as much in his fiction as he realizes that he is telling a lie. Sometimes, with the help of lies, small children “lacquer” reality, using the power of fantasy to fill in what they lack in reality.
So a child may have an invisible adult friend who accompanies him everywhere.
Little Mitya returned home today, carefully holding something in his hand. “Mommy, I brought a tiger cub, he will live with us,” shows an empty hand. – Do you like my tiger cub? Look, he’s still quite small. “
And now, at dinner, the boy is sitting on the edge of the chair to leave a place for a friend, asks to put a plate for him and put food. A podadokuriv, justified by the fact that all these pranks come up with a tiger cub. The child easily goes beyond the boundaries of reality, creating a friend with whom you can play, who you can take care of, and with which you can share responsibility for actions that cause discontent among parents.
The space of fantasy is for the child the saving place where he can get what he urgently needs and that is not available to him in ordinary life. Magical thinking is peculiar to scarlet children, the laws of reality are not obvious to them, and they have yet to learn how to separate the imagination from reality. In the meantime, they dream.
Fantasy for a child is both a way to interact with reality, and the ability to sometimes defend against it.
Even when kids deny the obvious, they do it sincerely. And they are just as sincerely ready to be offended if you do not believe them. Four-year-old Anya just broke a large vase in the living room.
The mother who looked at the noise had no doubts as to who smashed her favorite piece of furniture. However, Ani has her own version: “We played hide and seek with an elephant, but he was so clumsy, climbed into a vase and crushed her.” At this moment, the girl is frightened by the fact that she has broken an object that is so dear to her mother, and the prospect of the coming punishment.
Through lies, she “slips out” of a situation for which she is unable to take responsibility. Growing up, children begin to use lies more consciously and already feel embarrassment and shame, deceiving us.
Nevertheless, they do not stop telling any fiction. Sometimes to make us happy, and sometimes – not wanting to upset us.
If the kid, returning from the garden, tells you that he beat a friend or spat at dinner, you will surely be unhappy. The child is well aware.
Therefore, it will be most obvious to him to tattle you with stories that are far from not always attractive reality. He does not seek to deceive you, he just does not want to disappoint you, wanting to meet your expectations.
- The child lies, taking his desires for reality. Teach him to draw the line between the imaginary and reality. For example, if a kid says to you: “I am Superman, I kill all villains”, correct him: “You would really like to be Superman and defeat all villains”. So you will be able to support him by showing that you understand and share his dreams, but at the same time prevent the development of an illusory, unrealistic view of yourself, of your capabilities.
- The kid is lying to seem more interesting and significant in the eyes of others. Often this is due to lack of confidence. He believes that he can deserve the attention of others, only by pretending to be what he is not, or telling everyone about his imaginary exploits. Do not blame the child for such inventions. Instead, help him realize that he may be interested in himself, show him his strengths. “Do you think that your friends will be more willing to play with you if they find out that your dad is a circus director?” But we are sure that they would really like it if you told about a secret language that you invented yourself. ”
- He lies to hide his wrongdoing from you. In this case, you should not put pressure on the child, accusing him of deception: “You were alone in the room when the vase was broken. Don’t try to blame it on someone else. ” Leave the child the opportunity to confess and tell you the truth: “I doubt that the elephant could have hidden the shards of a vase under the sofa. Are you sure you are telling me the truth? ”If a child takes courage and confesses, be sure to praise him. After all, it is so difficult to decide on this! Ask your child to help you collect the vase fragments, explain that if he caused someone harm, you need to try to fix it and apologize. Having taught a child to correct his mistakes, you teach him to feel responsible for his actions. And on the contrary, making excessive demands on the child, rigidly controlling and punishing him, you force the child to resort to lies again and again.
- The kid tells a lie to get away from the situation that bothers him. Show your child that you understand what feelings and desires are hidden behind his lies. “We know that you want to wear beautiful dresses. We are very sorry, but at the moment we can not buy them for you. We will do this as soon as the opportunity arises, but for now let’s try to remake the old: we will sew beautiful ruffles to the hem or we will make embroidery. ” Thus, you will show the child that you understand the cause of his experiences and are ready to do everything in your power to at least partially correct the situation.
- The child lies because he does not know how or does not dare to tell you the truth. The more absurd and incomprehensible to you is what he tells, the more likely it is that this way the hidden truth is presented to you. Try to avoid harsh judgments like “Don’t bother my head! You are completely lying. Such an attitude may undermine his confidence in you, which is necessary so that the child can openly share his concerns. Try to understand what the child is trying to tell you in a similar way, what is contained in his veiled messages. It will be better if, for clarification, you do not resort to punishments and threats, but show the indulgence and gentleness necessary to overcome the difficulties encountered by the child.
If the child began to lie, he will stand on his own and without the slightest hesitation deny the obvious. Especially if trying to avoid reprimand or punishment. Favorite argument is not me! Who from parents did not hear this phrase?
It is useless to try to prove to the kid that it could not be anyone else – he will not give up. One mother complained that she had found her daughter carving a veil for a doll from a tulle curtain. And with a more detailed examination of the curtains, it turned out that more than one doll was married.
Nevertheless, the girl desperately denied any involvement in such wedding preparations.
In some cases, the child resorts to lying to hide the real facts that he is ashamed of or that are too painful for him. This may be some kind of trouble in the family: a precarious financial situation, the absence of one of the parents, alcoholism. Julia, a five-year-old girl from a large family, walks in old clothes, inherited from older children.
In the garden she talks about beautiful dresses that she has at home. Doubt also explains that the mother does not allow her to wear them in kindergarten.
In such a case, a lie is a way to get the recognition of children, to attract attention, to become like their well-dressed girlfriends.
Very often the purpose of a lie is to interest other people. Little Sasha is ready to tell everyone that his dad is a director of a circus, and he sometimes participates in performances.
His parents, distant from the world of circus art, wondered why their son needed to transform reality in such a way. But Sasha knows perfectly well that thanks to this lie, he now has no end of his friends, who urge him to hold them for the performance, and during the intermission – behind the scenes and introduce them to clowns and equilibrists.
Through lies, a child often tries to tell us the truth about what worries him. Our task is to understand what prevents him from saying this in a different way. Often, the child’s experiences are so deep that they cannot be realized; he can only tell about them with the help of lies.
In fact, this is not an invention, but a certain myth with the help of which the child tries to cope with the situation and the negative feelings that it causes. Five-year-old Oleg, who recently had a little sister, told in the garden about how hard his life was. After all, he has to take care of his sister, rock her for a long time, get up at night, warm her milk for her.
The teacher tried to find out from the parents why they put the child in such difficult conditions. Parents were extremely surprised – nothing like this ever happened in the family! With the advent of his younger sister, the boy felt abandoned and was very jealous.
Therefore, in order to attract the attention of parents and educators, he presented himself as a child burdened with overwhelming cares. Oleg identified with the girl and, imagining how he cares about her, tried to fill in what he lacked and caused envy.
His parents managed to help him, to assure that they love him just as before, and he will always occupy a special place in the life of the family.
If the child often resorts to lies, then it may be worth reconsidering your relationship. Try to understand what prevents him from telling you the truth. Remember that the child needs to feel loved, to know that you are ready to forgive his mischief and mischief.
In this way, you will give him the opportunity to trust you and take responsibility for your actions.
Telling unthinkable stories and observing what impression they make on others, children learn to distinguish truth from fiction. Often children lie because their knowledge of the surrounding reality is insufficient, fragmented, and they have to fill in the gaps with their own fabrications. As they grow older, the “white spots” are getting smaller, and most children are less fantasizing and inventing.
We, the parents, can help the child to distinguish between dreams and reality, but it is important not to overdo it and give the child the opportunity to create his alternative reality in the game, in composing magical stories. It is necessary to show the child that there are situations where it is not necessary to resort to lying, and situations in which he can remarkably manifest himself thanks to a developed imagination.
Try to understand why a child is sometimes unable to tell the truth, remember situations in which we, adults, had to be cunning: all those stuck elevators, snow drifts and the breakthrough of a hot-heating battery that prevented us from getting to work in time. As a rule, many of us have repeatedly sacrificed the truth, justifying themselves by trying to avoid trouble.
Therefore, there is nothing surprising in the fact that your child sometimes follows this rule.