Children gradually begin to learn to express their emotions and control them, adapting to the world in which, as it turns out, one cannot get everything desired. The realization that he is not omnipotent, as well as a huge stream of new information, becomes a test for the child.
And to pass it, the help of parents is necessary. “Usually, the period of the“ hysterical arc ”as a reaction to the inability to do something or to get it lasts in children from one to two and a half years,” says children’s analytical psychologist Elizaveta Ageenko. – And with the right response of adults after this age ends. During this period, the child is formed the ability to cope with frustration – a feeling arising from the real or perceived inability to satisfy their desires.
How successful a child learns to deal with this depends on his inner connection with his parents and the ability of the parents themselves to take an emotional blow – to cope with their own experiences and endure the experience of the baby. ”
We find ourselves in a particularly difficult and vulnerable situation at the moment when the child begins to make a row in a public place. And his discontent is gaining momentum, risking becoming a noisy, attention-getting hysteria. “We feel a sense of shame and powerlessness, realizing that we look like horrible parents.
In addition, this is often supported by comments from the side, says Elizaveta Ageenko. “At this moment, the rest of the excerpts leave us, and instead of remaining in the adult position, we collapse to the state of a child, joining his hysterics.” In such cases, it will be very useful to recall the instruction of behavior on board the aircraft.
- “First, provide oxygen to yourself, and then the child.” In other words, try to begin to cope with your emotions, because your baby’s condition will also depend on it. Remember who is older and sensible, and who is small and in need of help. And do not fight the investigation, trying to scold or forcibly carry the child, even more inflaming him. It is important to understand the reason. What turned out to be the trigger of his tears? At what point could you agree? Perhaps your ban, which did not imply any alternative, seemed to him harsh and offensive, while you were terribly alien and distant.
- Do not begin immediately educational conversations – let the child have time to live this acute state. Think: after all, even an adult at the time of a flash of anger or irritation is not able to hear reasonable arguments and arguments; the more so, the child is not capable of this, whose psyche is not yet mature enough to cope with strong emotions quickly. So just stay close. And try to abstract away from “what Princess Marya Aleksevna will say,” that is, the outside world. After all, the main thing now is the calm and well-being of your child.
- Give your child the full feeling that you share his bitter emotions. “At that moment, when he calms down, in order to get more air into the lungs and continue shouting, say:“ I understand how you want this toy … ”- says Elizaveta Ageenko. – Most likely, he will respond to this violent cry. When the baby breathes again for a second, add: “I see, you are very upset,” and get ready for the child to grieve about his loss with a new force. And that’s fine. At the moment of the next pause, try to say what exactly upsets him. Maybe you can agree on something else? It is likely that in the end you will find a compromise. In any case, the child will gradually calm down, feeling that a close person in a difficult moment understands him and wants to help. ”
Faced with the sleepless nights of the first months of parenthood, we are well aware that babies do not cry, after all, because they maliciously test us for strength. However, a year later, we often begin to suspect a child of deliberate hysterics in order to achieve his own.
In a situation of going off-line decibels, this only adds fuel to the fire: “It turns into a clever manipulator,” decides an irritated parent. Is a child setting in tears intentionally trying to break our will? “It’s never a question of real manipulation,” says Elizaveta Ageenko. – At this age, the baby can not set a goal to gain control over the thoughts and behavior of another person. He himself is not aware of his actions, let alone planning actions.
And only uses those forms of behavior that allow him to effectively attract the attention of the closest people. And if real attention can be achieved only by whining and weeping, then often it is the parents who provoke and reinforce this kind of relationship. ” At the same time, when we listen to the feelings and emotions of the child, making it clear that we are always there and help him, he feels protected and it is easier for him to calm down.
As a rule, if the baby is tired or hungry, we only try to quickly satisfy his needs – to feed and put to sleep, without going into explanations why he was so agitated. However, the ability of the mother from the first months of life to distinguish and comment on the baby of his feelings and states plays an important role in the successful development of the child. First we tell him about the simplest: “You are crying because you are hungry.
Now I will feed you, and you will be full and satisfied. ” Gradually, the child learns to distinguish these feelings within himself: “Yeah, this is called hunger, and from him I feel bad.” Thus, even before the baby starts talking, he already learns to understand himself.
With the advent of speech, it will be easier for him to express his feelings.
By three years, the child’s communication field is expanding. He goes to kindergarten, actively attends development groups, he has more familiar children. So, with new joys and discoveries, new conflicts inevitably appear.
The child is faced with the fact that human relationships can not always be cloudless, quarrels often occur, and he has to meet with unpleasant emotions for themselves. And if, in a year or two, it was enough just to sympathize with the upset crumbs, who did not share the scapula and bucket with a friend, and turn his attention, then by three years the child had already sufficiently mastered speech and understanding to discuss what was going on deeper.
“My daughter in kindergarten has a friend who has recently switched to playing games with other girls, and refuses to play with mine,” says Olga, the mother of four-year-old Masha. – For the daughter, the girlfriend became a close person, and such indifference hurts her. Because of this, she, it seems to me, has become capricious, cries, refuses to go to kindergarten, does not want to get acquainted with other children on the playground, and often remembers this girl. ” “Kindergarten is a space in which children have an important opportunity to experience feelings and relationships as in adulthood: love and separation, friendship and disappointment, joy and jealousy,” comments mother Elizaveta Ageenko. “And here it is important that the parent take on the role of a safe haven in which the ship for children can take refuge.
If a child feels that his suffering is understood, then they become not so destructive for him. In this case, the mother can start a conversation like this: “I see you cry more often, do not want to go to the kindergarten, what happened?” If the child does not respond, it is important to voice several versions, because sometimes adults can make mistakes in their assumptions: “You The teacher said something and you were upset? Did you cease to like something in kindergarten?
Or is something wrong with the other guys – have you quarreled with someone? Maybe someone stopped playing with you? ”Usually, a child responds to one of the questions or presents his own version.
This serves as the beginning of a conversation in which the parent speaks out and calls the child’s feelings: “Indeed, it is very disappointing when a girlfriend begins to be friends with others and stops communicating with you. But it happens – everyone has the right to choose with whom to communicate. What do you think you would like to be friends with these girls too?
Or is there someone else in the group who you would like to play with? Maybe you yourself will offer to play together? ”In such a dialogue, the parent not only shares the child’s feelings, but also helps him live through the imperfections of real relationships, showing alternative ways out of this situation.”
Openly discussing difficult situations with children, we show that this can and should be talked about. And in adulthood, they carry away the desire not to isolate themselves from emerging conflicts with silence, but to resolve them in dialogue.
In addition, comprehending their feelings, the child begins to more clearly understand other people, learn to leave them the right to be themselves. This understanding of what is happening strengthens him in self-confidence.
The topic of how you can magically cope with tears and whims once and for all is one of those that has acquired a huge number of myths transmitted from mouth to mouth and discussed in parental forums. However, some of these educational methods can only harm children and parents.
One of the methods often offered to parents is to inform the child that he is not guilty of anything, but “they prank his hands” who are doing something strictly forbidden, or “another boy / girl / cartoon character has come” – someone who knocked the kid to disobedience and whims. “Let’s talk to them strictly, so that they no longer do this and we would not quarrel with you,” is proposed to the child. It would seem that such an approach has a completely noble goal – to make the baby feel that he is loved with unconditional love, and only his behavior is condemned. And whatever happens, he is the best in the world.
In part, this is rooted in traditional folk culture, with its beliefs that “dark power” infuses a good man. What is the danger of this technique? “If the legs and hands live a separate life or everything can dictate Carlson, it turns out that the child is not the master of either his body or his actions,” says Elizaveta Ageenko. – Shifting responsibility can be a convenient position, moreover, such an explanation does not teach to comprehend what is happening. It is important not to scold someone else, but to come up with something constructive, simultaneously explaining to the child his feelings and desires: “Do you like to play with your hands?”
Yes, it’s fun, but at the time of eating do not. If you want, I will leave you some, and after breakfast we will play with her separately. ”
2. I see nothing, hear nothing
Many parents sincerely believe that the complete disregard of tears magically sober the child. At the same time, they demonstratively stop communicating with the baby or send one to sit in the room.
Moreover, even suffering from the need to apply such tough educational methods, many of us seriously believe that by doing so help their child. “After all, I did not succumb to provocation,” the parent encourages himself at this moment. The roots of this behavior are that it stubbornly seems to us: the child specifically plays the “one-man show”, and therefore it is only important to deprive him of the audience.
And the emotional vacuum in which we put it will destroy the “cunning plan.” In fact, the kid suffers from the fact that he cannot cope with his emotions for the time being.
And at this difficult moment, the closest person suddenly begins to ignore him, and the child will also have to meet with a sense of acute loneliness.
“Punishment by silence” meanwhile has become a popular parenting method – after all, the child really quickly agrees with all our bans. “The feeling of rejection has such a destructive power that it forces a child to accept any position of an adult, if only to restore the interrupted connection,” says Elizaveta Ageenko. “He does this not because he has realized everything and made conclusions, but only because the threat of breaking the relationship is stronger than the desire to get something.” In the end, such “education” leads to the fact that the child simply changes his attitude to the situation, calmly accepting the fact that the parent cannot be relied upon and it’s better not to trust him at all. ”
In the future, he risks taking a similar model of mistrust to people trying to build close relationships with him into adult life. Thus, isolating the child, instead of being close at this difficult time, we only exacerbate the problem.
3. Too many no
Sometimes the irritation and whims of a child are a reaction to the fact that adults hinder the natural children’s desire to learn about the world, erecting too many restrictive barriers. It is much more convenient and faster to feed the child himself and change his clothes before going outside.
During the walk, we are also calmer so that he keeps close: “You will fall from this hill”, “Do not run and look at your feet”, “Now throw off the dirty stick”. It is not surprising that the patience of the child, whom nature orders fearlessly to move forward and try something new, breaks and the rivers overflow. After all, the task of children is to remain researchers, and our task is to help them on this path, having secured the “field for experiments” as much as possible.
For example, if a child wants to help wash the dishes, then show him how it can be done most conveniently by removing sharp knives away. “True, even if the parent allows some kind of action, the child may not have enough skills and abilities, and the desire“ I myself ”is too great. This conflict causes a negative explosive reaction, says Elizaveta Ageenko. “It’s worth not to scold an upset child, but to support him, to offer to try to do it again with your help.”
However, one can observe the other extreme, when, moving by the path of least resistance, it is easier for us to resolve everything to the child. Often this is covered up with a good desire not to inhibit his inner freedom and to bring up responsibility for his decisions. “The child at the same time turns out to be an illusory world, with a sense of his omnipotence and lack of boundaries,” explains Elizaveta Ageenko. – This parental position can lead to serious violations of child development. After all, to live in the real world, you need to learn to understand that there are certain limitations in it.
It is important for children to realize in time that the world is imperfect, something is not working in it, and then we get upset and cry. And when it turns out – we rejoice.
And this is normal, because this is life. “
The vagaries of the child: everything that parents need to know about it
There are many reasons for whims, moreover, at every age and in every situation – they are their own. We have made a selection of articles in which different situations and age periods of children’s whims are considered.
Negativism, three-year crisis, manipulation, stubbornness and hysteria – what the child has the right to and how parents behave in each case. Read more