I thought that my mother had to be extremely vigilant, and those who treated children a little more calmly, I saw at least monsters. It is curious to remember that even then I heard a lot about hyper-care and knew that there are somewhere parents who can block the oxygen to their child by excessive participation in his life.
To find such a mother, it was worth walking to the mirror, but at home I did not guess to search. I thought that nobody was more caring than me, that all the young mothers I knew were very frivolous, but I’m definitely doing everything right. Well, everyone is prone to make mistakes.
Good news for my children – I was quickly let go. However, from excessive care none of the children is insured.
And it would be nice.
So, for starters, I propose to figure out what is hyperteam. I would put it this way: it is the parent’s involvement in the child’s life that goes beyond the limits of reasonable and the desire to protect him from everything in the world.
Hypertreatment is peculiar to you if:
- Your credo: you do not know where you will fall – you can put straw everywhere.
- You got rid of all the sharp corners in the apartment. (Thank you for now there are special attachments for furniture, I know a family in which, with the advent of the child, grandfather just sawed off all the sharp corners).
- All the drawers, doors and doors you supplied with special locks or stoppers.
- Even for a walk you carry with you a large gym bag with things from the category of “suddenly come in handy”: changeable clothes, spare jackets, hats, pants, food, water, diapers, toys, and something that is enough imagination.
- You wash and boil almost every day: toys, dishes, all personal hygiene items, as well as any clothing, including top.
- In your bag there is always a large supply of wipes with an antibacterial effect: they are used outside the home after contact with any representatives of earthly civilization, both animate and inanimate.
- You spend a lot of money in paid clinics, checking a healthy child with all doctors at least once every six months.
- You are suspicious of children on the grounds and when they appear, you will energetically take the child away: where they do not sneeze, they will not push and they will not teach the bad.
- Your child watches cartoons exclusively selected on the family council and not more than 15 minutes a day.
- You filled the house with educational materials, which would be enough for a medium-sized group of kindergarten.
- Your child can only give useful toys approved by you.
- When moving around a city apartment, you lead a child by the hand even inside one room.
- You prohibit at home to jump, run, climb above the children’s chair, hang on anything, as well as tumbling, lying on the edge and spinning. You’re scared, and this is an argument.
- You abandoned swimming, skiing, skating, rollerblading, and a runaway “out of harm’s way.”
- Your child who has been able to walk for a long time has almost never fallen.
- You constantly notice that no one except you cares about children as it should be.
The saddest consequence of such a “prudent” attitude of parents to their children is that the child is unable to solve any problems on his own. He gets used to the fact that everything is done for him, and as a result he becomes infantile, insecure and self-contained. This idea, fortunately, I was not able to check on their children.
She came up with psychologists.
I would divide the manifestations of hyper-care into two styles: “authoritarianism” and “self-indulgence.” Most often, both of them are based on an unbridled desire for care.
Authoritarian parents seek to control every step of the offspring, while constantly imposing their will, trying to secure and provide for everything. For them, the total control scenario is the safest and most comfortable.
Lovers to pamper their child, too, are often engaged in hyper-care, but in a slightly different way: they try to please, to please, to fulfill all desires, hoping that this will help the child to avoid disappointment.
It is clear that these types are examples exaggerated, but very characteristic. Both in one and in the other case, adults forget that for any harmonious development, any child needs independence in actions and decision making, therefore, sooner or later, such parents are at risk of getting a tough response.
I was struck, and even somewhere, I was pleased with the example that Shimi Kang gave in the book “The Way of the Dolphin”. One day, a teenager from a happy family, a 14-year-old high school student, Albert, literally locked up his mother in the basement so that she would leave him alone and not control her for a while.
Of course, no one says that children should lock up their parents, but even the exclamation of the three-year-old “I myself!” Should become a sign: the child is fighting for his independence.
If the Harvard psychiatrist Shimi Kang pays a lot of attention to “mother tigress” who adhere to an authoritarian parenting style, then psychotherapist Robin Berman is more concerned about those who want to please their children and call it care. Here is how she describes this type: “The overprotective parent imposes his care, gives instructions, worries, making the child nervous.
He is always in a hurry to solve the problem for the child, leaving no chance for him to take care of himself. ” At the same time, such parents often give too much unnecessary power to children, forgetting that clear boundaries are what they really need.
It turns out a kind of pendulum: one extreme leads to complete pampered, the other – to stiffness and lack of freedom. And in both cases, everything is seasoned with self-doubt and inability to cope with the slightest problem.
Here is what Olga Karyakina, a psychologist and reviewer of the publishing house Clever, told me about the hypertext: “Hyper-copy always evokes a specific, definite complex stereotype of behavior that affects the child’s future life. Here are some of the most common effects that hyper-care causes: dependency as such; the inability to make a decision and make a choice; guilt for everything, because “if you didn’t do as I said, you are to blame”.
Many parents believe that “care is when I do my business and yours for you.” The child simply cannot be held responsible for the result, because initially it was not his choice, but the choice of the parent.
Especially manifested “postepeckovye” complications in adolescence. In this case, the complications become truly catastrophic.
For example, the child of the “hyper-pecuniary” does not choose the university, as a rule, parents do it for him. What follows from this? The child (already a student) on the third course ceases to study normally, begins to skip and “fill in” for study, because this specialty and this university is not his choice, for which he could feel responsible.
And rarely, what exhortations from parents can make a difference. Therefore, I would advise parents to remember the following phrase: “When you take away a child’s choice, you close a thousand doors and a thousand opportunities for him”.
It is good that I learned long ago in the mirror of an overprotective mother with a pair of tiger stripes. It was about when the eldest daughter was two.
I was very scared to let go of her hand and allow myself to comprehend new peaks. I had to develop several basic principles in order not to be forgotten.
- A child must learn to fall. In childhood it is not so painful to do so. If anything, mom will kiss, and everything will pass.
- A dirty child is a happy child. Children in elegant clothes on the playground is nonsense. Dresses leave to visit the theater.
- The kid has the full right to move independently around his own home. The maximum that a parent can do is to remove too dangerous objects from the access zone. If the furniture has corners, the child will learn to bypass them. It is believed.
- The child needs to be independent. This is the basis of its development. Proved by Maria Montessori, Cecile Lupan, Janusz Korczak, Alexander Neill, Julia Gippenreiter and millions of parents and children around the world.
- Instead of controlling, it is better to pay attention to creating deep emotional bonds with the child. This requires more effort, more attention, more work, but it also gives amazing results.
- Any child needs boundaries within which he must have real freedom. Excellent boundaries are clearly defined rules.