Sexually curving, you give your husband who has come home from work light snacks, then gently drag them into the bedroom, where the real feast of love is played out … Such “pictures from a magazine” cause young mothers with ironic chuckles or just homeric laughter. When the whole day is torn between the house and the child, and close to midnight you fall dead into bed, the last thing you want is to have a feast of love …
“When my husband and I finally find ourselves together in the evening, we barely lively flop in front of the TV (I sometimes try to read) and … we fall asleep. Reading tips like “you need to find time for the two of you,” I understand that this requires real organization!
We get along great, but nevertheless, there’s no way to get away from the routine, and there’s no time left for romance. Sometimes I say to myself that we are nothing more than good friends, ”says 29-year-old Sophia with mild bitterness.
Psychologists believe that one of the secrets, “how to return sex to the family,” is the ability to put intimate relationships in the place they deserve. Yes, after the birth of the child, they are clearly not in the first place, but they should not fall completely at the end of the “list”.
Emotional intimacy, as well as sexual, is based on mutual understanding and dialogue between spouses, and one does not exist without the other. But, unfortunately, there are no miraculous recipes that are suitable for everyone when you click your fingers – and the passion inflames with a new force! And even the “tips from magazines” that Sophia is talking about, if you still find time to follow them, will not do everything.
Arrange a romantic evening, it is necessary to talk, but in any case, this is only the tip of the iceberg. In order for your marriage to “not drown”, this iceberg must consist not only of the top, but also of the vast, invisible to the world of “platform” – real, adult intimacy.
Otherwise it will be like in the story of 32-year-old Olga: she lived in marriage for ten years, but “when they finally managed to organize a tete-a-tete dinner,” she and her husband sat indecisively, chewed and … were silent: “As if you don’t know there is more to talk about – everything is told already in ordinary, everyday life, before we sat down at the table and lit the candles. Like all the problems and concerns discussed – and what else to talk about ?! “
What more proof is needed to admit: the best improvisation is a carefully thought-out improvisation.
“This year, when my daughter was already growing up, I offered my husband to hire a nanny who would sit with her child one evening a week to give us the opportunity to be together. At first, we felt a little guilty: we abandoned the baby, ran away from her, had fun … But now we will never give up our evenings in the world!
We make dates at a cafe to drink a glass of wine, or go to the movies, or go to visit friends – this weekly ritual allows us to feel like a couple in love. ”
Karina, 25 years old, daughter 2 years
In order not to stifle romance under the weight of habits, psychologists recommend analyzing your behavior and finding “weak points” in it. Usually, this is nothing less than selfishness, indifference, lack of dialogue or constant conflict.
This is not what we said, it’s all psychologists! Even if you didn’t find either egoism or indifference, but, hand on heart, passivity is a frequent “guest” in our families.
When efforts are not made to keep, constantly seduce the other, and everything starts to take its course. Yes, of course, the idea that one loves the other as he is, with all the flaws, soothes us and allows us to forget in bed without being nervous because of an extra fold or wrinkle.
It is beautiful and can not but inspire. But this statement can lead to unpleasant consequences: we no longer look at each other, do not listen, do not speak, because it creates the complete feeling that we know each other by heart.
So, the end of curiosity and the desire to know the other, as if people and their feelings remain the same forever?
Of course, this is impossible. And good! People change, relationships develop, and you can almost always start over.
Just need to want this. And maybe even give up the dream of making the husband of the most romantic young man who was ready for everything just for the sake of your smile. Statistics say that it is the couples who overgrown a feverish, slightly infantile affection and who have passed on to the stage of mature relationships, who manage to avoid the everyday routine, best of all.
They love each other, but do not do everything, everything, everything together and only together. Such spouses are two adults who are completely autonomous and respect the “territory” of the other.
That is, possessing all the qualities that are needed to maintain the flame of passion.
Elena, eight years old, married, two children: “After the birth of boys, everything was completely different from before. No afternoon pranks on weekends, no unexpected caresses – everything is calculated and tailored to the children’s daily routine. ” We have to admit that nature has not created anything more interfering with intimacy than children …
Give free rein to imagination and fantasy, do not give up sex under the pretext of lack of time, adapt to the new rhythm of life, as 25-year-old Yana did: “Yes, we rarely stay alone, we rarely make love, but we use every moment we can “Steal” from everyday life. And it is necessary to “steal” regularly, especially since intimacy is not only sex: these are gentle words, eloquent silence, and frank looks and gestures — everything that is called non-verbal communication.
Putting your hand on your shoulder, ruffling your hair – these are signs that support physical closeness, charge relationships with tenderness, because they symbolize affection and participation.
Having lived for 11 years in a marriage and having given birth to two children, 34-year-old Natalya understands that she is still dear to her Misha … in his view. No, this look is not provocatively erotic, it is just special: “We can play with children, be in a noisy company, we can cook dinner or repair a bicycle, but when he SO looks, I have a feeling that there is no one around and his a glance is just for me alone. ”
“It’s a paradox, but true intimacy is impossible without some mystery. Brushing your teeth over one washbasin, dumping used laundry on a chair next to the bed all week long are actions that ultimately lead to the extinction of sexuality and family passion. I lived for a long time alone and, of course, did not think about how I looked in the evening while sitting at the TV.
But now I try not to relax, not to dissolve, and I teach her to do the same thing to her husband. In my opinion, this is very important in order not to stop desiring each other. ”
Alla, 31 years old, son 4 years
So that you and your husband have time (and a place!) For having sex, enter into use the following rules – they will greatly facilitate your life.
To begin with, children need to learn the most important thing: they need to respect foreign territory. The bedroom is the room of the mother and father, and it is not allowed to manage it.
It is best to make the bedroom just your place, which does not include all relatives, guests and their children. And do not put a TV there: according to statistics, couples who have a TV in the bedroom have sex three times less often than couples who spend the night without a TV.
But not only demand respect for the boundaries of your territory, respect the territory (room) of the child! Insist that children always knock before entering.
You can even lock the key if it will be calmer for you, and just tell the children that you do not want to be disturbed.
If a child catches you, do not panic. If he is quite small, then he will not understand what it is all about, but he may be frightened by the “cruelty” of the scene.
But the older the children, the more precautionary you must take: nothing seems to be more intolerable to a teenager than the fact that his parents have sex.
If you used to live alone, and now you have a regular partner, the child, of course, is curious and needs to intervene to show the stranger that he is “local” here. Stay discreet and do not react: your personal life belongs to you, the child must accept it.
Parents of grown-up children need to take precautions and designate their matrimonial territory, but at the same time one cannot joyfully shift to children the entire responsibility for the fading of feelings. Of course, it’s not a secret that the birth of a child, especially the first, changes marital relations: pregnancy, various changes that occur with the female body, sometimes overweight, fatigue, decreased libido, the father, “overthrown” as a baby and feeling superfluous … Enumerate farther?
No, everything is already clear. While the birth of a child in theory should be the moment of extraordinary marital intimacy – after all, the fruit of your love has appeared! But these infinitely exciting feelings are forgotten, erased under the weight of a new burden.
So it’s time to pay attention to them! Among the hustle and bustle associated with the appearance of the baby, you need to find a balance, to ensure that the “parents” are not lost “lovers”.
Alas, often these two concepts go apart … For some, tenderness is the beginning of an erotic game, a gesture that promises closer contact (“Oh dear, pat me more – lower, lower!”). And for others – a good sleeping pill (“Honey, scratch my back.
Hrrr “). Harmonious couples are those for whom tenderness and eroticism go together. These people understand that the second, alas, of course, is by nature, while the first is a constant feeling that nourishes the relationship.
There is a kind of alchemy in all this. Of course, it contains a lot of volatile substances, alas, evaporating over time.
But still you can save it, but on the condition that you will be attentive to each other. Otherwise, a couple, “frisky” and hot at first, runs the risk of becoming a union of partners bound by common interests, but emotionally distant from each other.
True, some are just satisfied with this approach, but it is very likely that the second half will experience a lack of intimacy and go to look for it.
In the end, you can just watch TV, even with children, without saying anything, just holding hands with your husband or hugging each other by the shoulders – and at the same time realize that you are happy and loved. These are “invisible to the world” trifles, which distinguish close relations from strained ones, trifles, on which the world in the family depends.