This most often occurs during the pregnancy of a woman. Changes in well-being, a new role, which is difficult to get used to right away, increased fatigue leave their mark on the usual rhythm of life. The woman gradually realizes that it is no longer possible, as before, to bring heavy bags from the store herself, to cook dinner, to wash the bathroom … And then she turns for help to her husband.
And he is suddenly surprised.
There is a historically established stereotype of the division of roles within the family: a woman takes care of home and children, a man obtains food for his family. Today there is no need to go hunting for a mammoth, much has changed, and the patriarchal structure of the family is already difficult to find among the inhabitants of large cities.
Family roles are mixed up. And stereotypes still have a strong impact on everyone and often mislead us.
At the reception of a family psychologist, men very often complain about the endless accusations and dissatisfaction of wives in their address. And that is why it’s a surprise for them that women are waiting for help:
- So it was taken in the husband’s family. Mom always did everything at home herself, without bringing her husband and children to cares about home. And did not complain. Therefore, marrying, such a man transfers the model of the parent family to his own. And it takes for granted that the woman has time everywhere.
- My wife did everything, and then suddenly began to make claims. For a man, this is really a bolt from the blue. “I wash the dishes? Are you serious. Maybe wear an apron? ”Or“ Walk with your baby in the evening? No, I’m tired. And you’re on maternity leave, time wagon. ” You can understand a man. If a woman provided him with a comfortable life and did not complain, it means, in his opinion, it suited her. And when she “from scratch” began to demand something, which was not discussed earlier – of course, he would be surprised and would dig out – “what, in fact, has changed?” And nothing. Just the strength is over.
How to be if a woman does not cope, and she needs the help of her spouse both in housekeeping and in looking after the children? Families that have managed to negotiate and distribute responsibilities within the family, live very amicably and happily.
And, very importantly, they pass this magic skill from generation to generation.
Let’s look from the outside at the family, in which the woman works, and is engaged in home, and children. She is unhappy, tired, dissatisfied with her husband and really wants help from her husband, but he refuses to help.
Every time he helps, she doesn’t like it. He does everything with reluctance, without a soul and in a quick way, according to the principle of “receive and leave me alone.”
A woman is usually dissatisfied, she needs the help of an adult man, not a little boy, who was attracted against the will to “female” troubles, and who still have to redo everything.
What happens to a man in this family? He works, gets tired and needs rest in the evening. He has no need to take on the “female role”.
Coming home, he does not feel needed, desired and loved. He sees no gratitude from his wife for his work. He worked and was very tired.
And he is not understood and accepted here. He is expected to have some additional “help.”
They are dissatisfied, he is condemned, scolded and again require help. The man is under tremendous pressure. This situation is perceived as unfair and dishonest.
As we see, in such a family is bad both for a woman and for a man. Both losers.
Of great importance in our life is our perception. How we perceive the situation will determine what kind of thought we create.
Further thought will form a feeling. And if we are convinced that the situation is acceptable, then all is well.
We are satisfied and happy. No offense and quarrels.
If a woman perceives the situation in a negative way and thinks that the husband behaves dishonestly towards her, then she is offended, but she suffers and does everything herself. This includes the role of the victim. The woman thinks: “I am so good, I do so much for the family, but he is ungrateful, does not appreciate me, does not help me.
I am a good wife! He is a terrible husband! ”
In the perception of a woman she is in the role of Cinderella, and her husband is in the role of an unfeeling stepmother. Unconscious prize of this situation: the recognition of a good and unhappy girl.
In fairy tales, such a role is usually in honor. And in the end, Cinderella will have happiness and help, but from other people, not from her stepmother!
This character in any fairy tale could not be changed.
What happens in life? The victim does everything herself, suffers, is silent and pulls as long as she can. But as soon as there is more work (a baby is born, there is a move, going to work after the decree, etc.), the husband’s help becomes necessary.
She applies for her and receives a refusal. A woman accumulates resentment, tension grows, anger covers. And it changes the role of the victim to the role of the aggressor.
Fear makes a man fulfill all stated requirements. But not for long.
The husband accepts the role of the victim at this moment. Having a little understanding of the situation, he reacts with one of two historical strategies for survival: to run away (from home, to work, to train or on business) or to stand still (fall asleep, stop talking).
What happens to a man? He feels betrayed. He worked with all his might from the first days of life together.
Everything was always good. And then suddenly, after the birth of the child, the woman changed and began to demand help, became dissatisfied with them.
A man feels unloved and deceived. “I’m good. She is bad. She doesn’t appreciate me. ”
The role of the victim is now played by a man.
The role of the “victim aggressor” is two sides of the same coin. Only the people who have similar psychological problems can support the same scenario. As long as the problem is not realized and not solved, they will be ill together, but they need each other.
And unconsciously create situations in which they can receive the “desired”, that is, recognition of themselves as “good.”
You can help yourself if you go along with your spouse a path consisting of several stages.
1. Awareness. It’s sad to lose so many years, proving that you are a good person. Awareness of the situation is the first step to solving the problem.
Talk about your feelings, thoughts, experiences. Talk about yourself without blaming each other. Suppose “I feel very lonely when I am standing in the kitchen late at night, and in the sink there is a mountain of dirty dishes.”
Or “I am terribly out of my mind the need to go for a walk with the baby in the evening when I am already very tired.” If you feel that you are being accused, say so.
Watch out for the friendliness of the intonation of your voice.
2. Acceptance of oneself. To overcome the problem you need unconditional self-acceptance.
You must take yourself for granted. So, how do you take the sky.
Whatever it is, you will never be offended or angry about it. Remember, you deserve love, acceptance and care. Give yourself all this.
Love and take care of yourself.
3. Adoption of a spouse. By accepting yourself, you can accept and your spouse.
He is what he is. Unique and amazing. He is a free man and free to make choices.
He cannot be reformed, without his desire. It can only be accepted and loved, or accepted and released.
When you adopt a spouse, you will look at him with understanding and love. Your gaze will say, “You’re good.” And he, with high probability, will reciprocate.
You will have a respectful, tender relationship. It is important to understand that all of the above applies to the spouse. In a relationship, there must be reciprocity.
A husband, having accepted himself, will be able to accept a wife.
4. Honest discussion. When you accept yourself, you no longer need the role of the victim. You no longer need to run in a circle full of frustration and pain.
Now you have a common cause. The spouse himself will want to do all the necessary things on an equal basis with you and work and bother with the house and help with the children.
Discuss with your spouse the amount of work that you consider necessary to perform. Your opinions on the need and priorities may not coincide.
It is very important to learn to negotiate without the use of manipulations. Remember that manipulation is an dishonest act aimed at deceiving another person. No one likes being deceived, intimidated, forced to perform any kind of action.
When asking for help, the way, approach, openness and honesty is important.
5. Support. Praise and support each other.
Do each other nice things, envelop with care and love.
Sometimes it is not easy to go through these 5 steps on your own, and it may even seem at some point that this is impossible. In this case, the family therapist will support you.