In every antenatal clinic, in every maternity hospital, there are legends about men and their peculiar attitude towards specific women’s problems. Many of these stories – like the one where a man collapses during the birth of his wife, while his wife says to the doctors: “Save him, I can handle it myself” – they are similar, but there are some original ones. Personally, during the pregnancy and regular visits to the doctor, I was able to hear a story about how the intrauterine device ruptured a family.
The young woman decided to use this method of contraception and, returning from the doctor, told her husband about the spiral in more detail, mentioning the little mustache that a man can feel during sex. Husband, this design, along with the antennae, appeared in the imagination at the most inappropriate moment, making it impossible to test the method in practice. The next day it all happened again, the same day.
No, he was a normal person and he himself understood that his associations were absurd. And I did not know how to tell my wife that she was afraid of the antennae from the helix. Therefore, he was silent, avoided under any pretext of intimacy, and increasingly he thought that he needed to test his worth somewhere outside the home.
When my wife found out about treason, it was too late. Too much trust is broken, too much misunderstanding has accumulated. Even gynecologists cannot give precise advice on what to say to a partner.
The reaction of men and their attitude towards the problem is difficult to predict. Why?
Just because they are men. Our problems, sensations and experiences for them will still remain incomprehensible.
Just as their sensations and experiences are for us.
Of course, all men are different, and their characteristics depend on many factors. The cultural environment in which a person was raised in childhood, family influence, level of education, and life experience all matter.
But there are qualities that are more or less common to all men. They are explained by psychophysiology, innate properties of the nervous system and the functioning of the brain. Of course, this does not mean that understanding is impossible in principle.
You just need to be more tolerant to male features, sometimes to make a discount on them, sometimes – to adjust.
Men’s openness, confidence. Low – both that and another, and since the childhood and for all life. Men are very reluctant to talk about personal problems, do not like to discuss them and do not know how to behave if they are in the role of a listener.
And this is especially true of intimate problems – there are also special features of education. It so happened in society that more attention is paid to gender issues if the child is a girl. And for women to discuss their problems and in general the intimate sphere of life is a completely acceptable phenomenon.
Boys – even those who grow up in a full family – rarely discuss gender issues. Popes are not inclined to such conversations, because they themselves do not know how to talk about it, and discussion with friends is interjections, not a conversation in the full sense of the word.
As a result, men sometimes just do not know how to react. Therefore … joking.
And they do not understand why we are offended.
A frequent case of silence problems – fear. Women decide not to say anything, because they are afraid to change the attitude of the partner towards themselves.
But most often the fears are in vain. Men are capable of both understanding and the limitations imposed by a disease or a particular condition.
They are more than women, suitable expression: “They love not for something, but in spite of everything.”
“I do not want to tell my husband about my problems. He is ironic all the time, instead of supporting and comforting him.
In my opinion, a completely soulless person can joke on such topics. When I told him about it, I myself was guilty.
He, you see, is exactly the way he gives me support — with his inappropriate jokes. Also offended … “
Gradually teach that you can discuss with each other any topics that openness is the norm. And more often you say that you need his support, it is she who helps you with more advice and sympathy of her friends and mother. Men love to be appreciated and praised.
And they try hard to conform to a good opinion of themselves.
Men’s ideas about the beautiful and terrible. “My husband was with me in labor. He helped me a lot – he courted, distracted me from pain, and generally did everything I could.
And I was very surprised when he said that he wouldn’t want to go a second time. “No, I was not hard, and I’m glad to help you, but, you know, the sight is just disgusting.” So he said – disgusting. I was shocked.
The birth of a child – what could be more natural and beautiful? I thought he was happy to see it. ”
Disgust, disgust – innate emotions. They are necessary for man for self-preservation.
But the male disgust is significantly different from the female. Worms, spiders, snakes crawling in a ball – a woman even thinks about it disgustingly, and for men – no particular emotions.
But everything that is connected with the natural (path and not particularly aesthetic) processes of the body, in men causes a feeling of disgust. Men can watch a horror movie with bloody scenes and quietly drink beer. But if at this moment a kid with a pot comes to them and wants to show dad how well he succeeded, they will turn away, pucker and quickly send the child to mom.
She is able to evaluate, as it relates to such phenomena as a child with a pot is much more positive. For the same reason, men do not like women’s stories about childbirth – such that in detail. You cannot change this feature; you can only get used to it.
If you want to tell absolutely everything, it is better to choose a friend to the interlocutors.
Male way to sympathize. “Yes, I understand. Tell me what is required of me ”- such an answer is quite likely when a woman tells a man about the problems. It looks (from our point of view) as complete indifference and callousness, but in fact it speaks only of a rational approach to the problem.
Men are not prone to empathy – deep sympathy and empathy, their role is to understand the situation logically and decide what to do. And while the wife was crying and complaining to her mother about her husband’s reaction, this “cold cold type” had already thought out a plan to get out of the problematic impasse.
You should at least once tell the partner what you want to see and hear from him – but in detail, in words and actions, and not just “I want understanding and sympathy.” “I need you to hold my hand, not interrupt, and then stroke my head, say that everything will be fine, and called it kindly sometime” – something like this. This is important, because in fact you also have individual, ideas that have developed from childhood about what support is.
Of course, global changes in the male consciousness will not occur. He will still think that it would be better to just listen and say: “I understand.
Now we decide. But the request will fulfill, seeing how important it is for you.
A small child, unable to convince adults with words, imagines himself sick: “… And then they will feel sorry for me and understand how wrong they were.” Sometimes this infantilism is also manifested in adulthood – in women more often than in men. Whatever the problem, doctors and psychologists strongly advise women not to try on images that cause feelings of guilt: in the end, it will cause more aggression than good feelings.
It is even more undesirable to cause pity. This is a good emotion and kindness contributes.
But there is a risk that the relationship will be good only formally. After all, men between pity and love have nothing in common. Or – love, or – sorry …
The causes of misunderstanding and conflict are not always rooted in male psychology. It happens that the relationship is broken due to the behavior of the woman herself.
Of course, it is difficult to treat yourself critically in a situation of health problems, but nevertheless, psychologists advise more often to look at themselves from the side, through the eyes of a partner.
“You can have a child, but the treatment will be long,” said the doctor. I was glad for this, because at that time I was almost desperate. And from that day I only dealt with my problem.
My husband supported me first, and then began to show more and more discontent: “We don’t go on vacation, don’t spend money on ourselves, don’t do anything except treatment …” – such statements seemed to me just selfishness. What trips can there be when I think of a child?
I cannot expose myself to danger. After another scandal, I said that I would live alone while solving this problem.
The husband did not agree, but I insisted. And then he met another woman, and we divorced.
I gave birth to a child from a person with whom I do not even communicate now. I am happy that I became a mother, but, frankly, I am sorry that everything turned out this way. Former husband, in my opinion, too … “
Women tend to dive into problems, to subordinate their lives to them. Often, such involvement seems exaggerated. Men look at problems more optimistically and are not prone to panic under adverse circumstances.
It is important for them to keep their usual ways of life, relationships and activities that they value. Of course, you can blame them for selfishness.
The relationship is unlikely to be better. It is much more useful (in any situation) to learn such qualities from men.
After all, no matter what problems may bother us with life, it is important to maintain the ability to rejoice and remain active in all spheres.
There are cases when partners do not discuss issues of the intimate sphere at all – whatever they may concern. More often it is a consequence of the Puritan upbringing, when from childhood the thought of “obscenity” of such topics is instilled. Growing up, people can learn to behave fairly freely and liberated, but the attitude to the discussion of issues of gender remains.
Couples where both people hold such views feel more or less comfortable. It is harder when opinions are divided and one partner is unhappy with the secrecy and excessive shyness of the other, and he, in turn, believes that such frankness is beyond the limits of what is permitted.