Not only inexperienced mothers leave the baby screaming and clinging to the skirt with a lump in her throat. Even large families who, in their time, easily and almost painlessly experienced adaptation to kindergarten with older children, faced great difficulties in parting with the younger one.
Often a woman who is not going to have more children unconsciously seeks to extend the time of infancy. In order to maintain complete interdependence with the child, she will look for reasons not to leave him even for a short time and even with family members, and if she agrees to a “solo” exit from the house, she tortures herself with a sense of guilt and fear for the baby.
Another reason – a divorce, a conflict with her husband, greatly changing the relationship between mother and child. The loss of mutual understanding in the family, the loss of confidence in others, guilt can push a woman to refuse any help, including babysitting services. A mother who feels unhappy, especially needs rest, stress relief, as she almost always projects her condition onto the baby, “infects” him with her anxiety and distrust of life. “He cries because he feels bad with a nanny (or in a manger).
I will leave – and the baby will have a terrible day, and so will I, ”the mother thinks and decides to postpone the separation, although, perhaps, the child has already managed to partially adapt to the new conditions.
The mother can also be very worried because of social instability and strive to protect, hide the child. It enhances control, trying to always be close.
With this begins the “under the hood” education. Consultation specialist will help analyze the situation and even look at the problem with humor, as if from the outside. Moreover, psychologists are encouraging: children who are very much attached to mothers in the first year of life and have received enough attention from them become more independent by the middle of the second year of life.
And separation is transferred relatively easily.
The main task of the first year is to form a “safe” type of attachment for the baby, to lay the basic trust in the world. Then the child will grow up balanced, confident in and around, calm and friendly person.
But this does not mean that you should wear the baby around your clock on your hands and not leave for a minute. Just the opposite! In order to develop a sense of security in the baby, you need a solid experience of “small” partings.
He should know that Mom will come back. Rituals and, of course, games will be invaluable in this.
For example, an evening farewell before bedtime. Do not limit your kiss to the night. Wish “good night” toys, sing a lullaby, tell a fairy tale.
Come up with stories about your baby, in which he overcomes all difficulties and commits noble deeds. To have the strength to perform this pleasant and extremely important ritual every day, take care of yourself: give your husband a walk or evening bathing and do something pleasant for yourself.
Do not waste your child’s daytime sleep at home.
Play hide and seek! With this game, the child will begin to understand that if you are not visible, this does not mean that you are not there.
Come up with a game or a small play, where a doll or a machine hides, and then they are.
Play different situations of “care” (to work, to the store, for a walk, etc.) with the help of a dollhouse and its inhabitants.
Speak, repeat many times, explain your actions: “Now we will go to visit grandfather, and then we will return home”; “So we returned home. Look, bear and dolls are waiting for us. Let’s arrange a holiday for them, give them a cake! ”
Be consistent, say the word “no” only when necessary, and then do not cancel your decision. A child needs consistency of rules and boundaries.
Starting from 9 months, it is recommended to leave your baby with dad or another close family member you trust to every week. You can leave for about four hours.
If you manage to form a strong attachment, the child, even if he cries when parting, will be able to have a great time with the nanny or with his grandmother, and when you return, he will be happy. But if the situation in the family is disturbing, the parents do not pay attention to the interests of the child, shout at him, leave him alone for a long time, if their reactions are unpredictable for him, another type of attachment is often formed, which psychologists call painful.
In this case, the child is always looking for attention, even negative – for example, punishment, provoking, trying to piss off the mother. His mood often changes: he is obedient and affectionate, sometimes rude and aggressive. When mother returns home, she takes revenge on her: bites, fights, etc.
If you notice signs of painful affection, leave the baby with the nanny and moreover send to kindergarten early. Check with a psychologist. And in any case do not fall into self-blame!
Everything is fixable. Remember: you also need help. Be sure to talk to your husband, tell us what you feel, what you are afraid of.
Discuss together how he will be involved in solving the problem. If you raise a child alone and a visit to a psychotherapist is difficult for some reason, talk to a trusted friend, maybe with someone from your family.
Just be careful with the tips! Unfortunately, we have a widespread opinion that children need a painful experience almost from the cradle so that they grow up independent and strong and can later survive in a cruel world. Remember that independence is formed precisely on the basis of basic trust in the world.
You can learn more about this by reading E. Erickson’s wonderful book, Childhood and Society.
Reliable attachment is formed gradually; Perhaps your child needs more time than most. Increased attachment to a mother under the age of three is the norm, not a deviation.
A “big break”, even prepared by a series of daily small and weekly longer breaks with a child, can nevertheless become a serious challenge for you and your baby. On the eve of the day, when you leave the baby for the whole day with a nanny or in the garden, try to be especially attentive to the child and to the general atmosphere in the family.
Avoid stress, quarrels, do not make noisy parties, do not plan trips that can tire your baby.
The main rule – do not show your baby that you are upset! Avoid expressions of fear – cry, dramatic reactions, uninterrupted notations.
Do not allow “compassionate exclamations like” Poor child, they throw him alone, “and even more so,” That’s what a bad mother, leaves! “
Do not scold the child for crying, do not wipe away irritated tears, do not be ashamed. He has the right to be unhappy! Try to look calm and confident.
The baby senses your condition sensitively: if you are anxious, then soon he will be overwhelmed with anxiety.
Stay in a threesome with a baby and a nanny for 10−15 minutes. The child should see that the mother is not afraid of a stranger, trusts him and is calm in his presence.
Tell us what he can do with a nanny. Repeat again that the nanny will feed him, put him to sleep, take him to the park …
Before leaving, offer your child a game that could enthrall the child for a long time, play a little together. Offer to your parish to build with the nurse a large tower or draw a picture.
Be sure to tell me when you return. Let the baby is not very well oriented in time, but still indicate how much you will be absent. “I will be back in six hours, during this time you will have time to eat and walk, then you will sleep, you will drink your favorite juice with cheesecake, then you will draw a picture for me – and I will come!” Or “I will come, when this arrow stops here, on the figure five”.
It is important to try to return on time or a little before the designated time.
Be sure to tell your child that you are leaving. Do not run away “in English”, otherwise he may get the feeling that your mother can leave at any moment, and his confidence in you will be at risk.
Waving a pen goodbye. “Bye-bye, I’m leaving, but I’ll be back soon.” Say goodbye fun, confident and fast. Wish your baby a good time.
Hug him and in parting play a game that can quickly drain the tears. Think of a funny way to wave goodbye – on top of your head, between your legs, from behind your back, clasping your thumbs and clapping your palms like a bird, portraying a crocodile, waving with one, two, and three fingers
If the baby does not calm down, and the tears continue to flow, do not shout at the child, do not wipe tears with irritation, it is better to take it on your hands, a little bit of a pat. And leave!
Again and again tell yourself that parting is necessary for the growth and development of the baby and learning how to let go of it is necessary for him to begin to perceive himself not only as a “mother’s child”, but also as an individual person. Tell him more often how proud you are, how big and independent he is.
You should not “coax” a child with gifts and sweets: he will feel that you want to pay him off, and may try to start manipulating you, demanding new and new “bribes”. Try to give your child maximum attention at the time when you are together. Play his favorite games, read, cook cookies together, take a walk in the park … Often working mothers are more creative in classes with the baby and get more pleasure from them than mothers who spend the whole day at home.
Be sure to talk, share impressions about what was interesting to see today, with whom you met, talk about the weather, about your mood. Even if your baby can say only a few words for a while, you can teach him to express his emotions with the help of facial expressions, drawing, dance.