One of the popular “grandmother’s” methods of parting without tears – this is a distraction crumbs from leaving the parent. While the child is busy with a new book, toy, cartoon, or treat, mom or dad will quickly “dissolve into the air.”
The method is effective and, perhaps, even effective, but dangerous in the long term.
- He sees how parents are afraid of goodbyes, and concludes that the separation is something unpleasant and even scary. That is why the child forcibly tries to keep around him all that is familiar and beloved (including parents). At the same time, he spends a lot of energy to control what he already has, and the energy for new knowledge and acquaintance is not enough – as a result, the child may even withdraw into himself.
- He is worried that his parents consider him too weak to cope with serious feelings. He can come to terms with the fact that he is “weak” and “vulnerable” and act capriciously and imitate the little ones, or he can begin to actively prove how strong and independent he is through aggressive behavior with those with whom he is left without parents.
- He is jealous of parents for their business (to work, friends, shopping, hairdressing, etc.). It seems to him that if parents secretly run away from him, it means that they love something there more than him here. As a result, the baby will be difficult to learn to respect the work and leisure of parents.
- He feels like an inferior member of the family: he is deceived, which means that his feelings are not considered.
- A child who is wary of new contacts will be increasingly tied to his mother, not allowing her to move away from himself a single step.
- A child who, by his aggressive behavior, proves that he is big enough and strong enough to be talked to seriously, causes a lot of trouble, quarreling moms and dads with grandmothers, nannies and tutors.
- A child who is jealous of parents for work and other matters forces them to divide life into “family” and “work” and experience feelings of guilt.
- A child who notices that he is being deceived may begin to manipulate and will always find a way to make parents worry, be nervous and late for their important meetings: tears, complaints, poor sleep, appetite and behavior.
For a child, the ability to say goodbye and let go of mother is not a trifle at all, but an important moment in a relationship. To find a recipe for a quiet and “good” farewell for the child, let us remember what we know about the desires of the crumbs, and think about what we want ourselves.
- know where mom is going;
- know when she will be back;
- to be sure that nothing will happen to him;
- to be sure that nothing will happen to mom.
- ensure the safety of the baby;
- do not be late to where it is going;
- leave the child in a good mood;
- returning to see the joy of meeting in the eyes of your baby.
Here’s what you need to do in order to facilitate the upcoming parting, both long and not so, for yourself and for your child:
- In order not to be late and at the same time be able to say goodbye to your child normally, gather 5–10 minutes earlier (no longer needed if you don’t want to turn the farewell ceremony into a separate event of the day).
- Tell him honestly, but briefly and succinctly, where and why you are going. Example: “I go to the hairdresser to dye my hair” or “I will go to work – I will type on the computer there.”
- Give the exact answer when you return. For this, it is not at all necessary to say time according to the clock: for a small child, this may first of all be incomprehensible. You can say this: “I will come when you eat, take a walk and sleep.” The child understands specific descriptions of events by which he will determine the time of your return and will calmly wait for him.
- Tell your son or daughter with whom he will stay and, most importantly, what he will do: “You will be with your grandmother. You eat, then walk, then play, and then you will meet me together. ”
- Do not bribe! Do not promise in advance to the child “prizes” for the fact that he lets you go, but if he asks for something to bring him, do not refuse. If it is impossible to fulfill his request, it is better to immediately tell him about it. If the baby never asks for anything, from time to time bring him some small pleasant thing (cookies, candy, funny notebook) so that he knows: even when you are far from him, then still remember him and get ready for meeting
- Hug it goodbye! If you, fearing children’s tears, try to leave the house unnoticed, the baby may think that you yourself are afraid of being separated from him, or you will not return at all. Always find a few minutes for a warm hug, a gentle kiss and a few farewell words (“Bye bye! I’ll miss you too, and I really want to see your smile tonight”).
There are phrases that can greatly harm the fragile child’s psyche, and which the desperate parents, however, regularly pronounce, standing almost on the threshold. They all contain:
- The reproach is that the child used to like the teacher (grandmother, nanny, kindergarten, etc.), and now he does not want to stay with her. Example: “You yourself said that it’s good to have a grandmother, why don’t you now want to go to her?”
- Blackmail and the threat to deprive the child of something (toys, gifts, entertainment), since he does not want to let you go. Example: “Do not let me to work – we will not buy you a new machine, because there will be no money!”
- Your own entreaties and coaxing you to let go. Example: “Well please, can I finally go to work? I’ve been late for a long time already! ”
- The reproach is that it is a shame to cry, that the child has already grown up, which means that he should behave like an adult. Example: “You are already a big boy – how can you not be ashamed to cry!”
- Intimidation that if you continue to hysterics you will not return for the child and leave him forever. Example: “If you roar like this, I will leave you and will never come again!”
Remember that such statements imply practically the accusation that a crumb does not allow parents to do some own affairs, and therefore simply interferes. Adults say such words simply because they do not know how to calm down capriciousness, and the baby “hears” only that he is a hindrance, feels guilty and, of course, worries and worries even more about the upcoming separation.
Do not demand from the child to stop the hysterics, “unhook” and open the door for you: the child himself cannot “stop” in such a situation, because with such special behavior he protects himself from anxiety! Farewell “rituals” will come to the rescue: just follow a certain order of actions, while doing everything calmly, benevolently and slowly.
- for 2-3 minutes, take the baby in your arms;
- hug, kiss and tell where you are going and when you come;
- ask him to bring you a bag (keys, handkerchief, wipes, etc.);
- say “thank you” and “bye-bye”;
- if the pussy continues to cry, explain that you are very sick, because he
- sad, but nothing can be done and you have to part for a while;
- finally, hand the child over to the adult with whom he stays and leave.
This behavior teaches the child to trust adults (he knows well that mom will go, exactly where she will go and when she returns). Trust reduces anxiety, and the baby feels much calmer.
Even if it seems to you that you have prepared the child for kindergarten well, it may happen that he clutches at you with a death grip and begins to sob when you try to leave him in the group (and this despite the fact that the fees and the road pass relatively quietly! ). Adaptation to the kindergarten requires great effort from the baby.
And his violent reaction may mean something completely different from what is bad there, but that it’s not just that the moment of separation is given to him. Therefore, your task – to support the crumbs.
- Going to the garden, give your baby some unnecessary key (put it in the pocket of children’s clothes) and say that without a key you will not get into the house. This will give the child confidence that they will come for him.
- Put a handkerchief dipped in a few drops of your regular toilet water in your children’s clothes pocket: its smell will remind him of you during the day.
- When parting, avoid extremes: do not flee as soon as you cross the threshold of the group, but do not say goodbye for half an hour, sneaking away your own tears with a handkerchief. A calm expression, a few words to the teacher and a gentle kiss are what you need.
- The child must feel your interest in what is happening in his life. Taking the baby home, be sure to ask what he did in kindergarten, what games and activities were. Every day he will try to please you more and more.
- Even if you are tired after work and are very annoyed, try not to show it to your child. Go with him for half an hour to the playground or to the park: let him feel that the moment of meeting him is a holiday for you.
There are kids who, in response to “wave your mom with a pen and say bye bye!”, Smile joyfully, put a cheek up for a kiss and then run away to the nursery to go about their business. But this is not always the case. Why?
It’s simple: the baby goes through certain stages of growing up and “separating” from the parents. And if they are completed correctly, the farewell will not turn into a painful and soul-draining ceremony for you.
0–3 months, Kroha needs to always have the same adult next to him – he becomes the most significant person in a child’s life (of course, ideally it should be a mother). The infant perceives a constant change of relatives at the crib badly: he simply cannot understand where that very “main” one, who should be his support in this big world.
3–6 months A baby has already developed a strong attachment to someone who has been with him for a long time. Now he can notice other adults, react to them, “go on handles” and communicate with them, but only in the presence of the “main” overseer.
Ideal if mom and later had the opportunity to be close to the baby.
6–9 months A child can already safely survive a short separation from his mother (going to the doctor, to the hairdresser or to the store). In this case, we are not talking about an eight-hour working day!
You should not be surprised if, after a long absence, the baby will respond coolly to your appearance: the longer the mother is gone, the more difficult it is for the little one to “remember” her.
9–12 months of the Baby “it’s time to bring into the light” – to accustom you to communicate with other adults and peers in order to avoid problems with communication in the future. Well, if you have the opportunity to visit the children’s development center, walk on the playground. Come and visit with you.
At this time, the thread that connects you with the crumb becomes longer, but he is still afraid to move far away from you.
1-3 years If after a year you have a need to go to work, and the child has learned to walk, then you can try to give it to the nursery. During this period, the baby can safely join the children’s team, as it is in a certain euphoria from the fact that it has matured.
However, when the joy of the baby, due to the fact that he learned to walk, passes away, he realizes that otherwise he still needs a lot of help and support. This makes him literally “stick” to his mother for the next two years.
At this time it is better not to give the baby to the kindergarten: adaptation can be very difficult.
After three years The most suitable time for kindergarten is coming, even if the child feels great with a nanny or grandmother. It is time for him to learn to communicate with peers without intermediaries in the form of mom and dad and “survive” among them.
After all, it is no secret to anyone that kindergarten children in school feel much more confident and find a common language with each other more easily.