“A husband tells his friend everything, including intimate details of our life. It confuses me greatly, although I admit that he has such a need.
Now I live in constant fear that one day a friend will learn too much and nothing will remain from my husband and secrets. ” Angelina, 25 years old
Each of us has a personal inner world with secret thoughts and plans, which we anxiously guard from prying eyes and ears. When we trust our innermost secrets to a loved one, we primarily count on his ability to remain silent. If we are mistaken in our expectations, it is at least uncomfortable.
It seems that you and your husband have a different attitude to other people’s secrets, and your spouse besides this mixes up such notions as “sincerity” and “frankness”. The husband has the right to tell others about himself, if he is so used (this is his choice) and does not see anything special in it, but what concerns the two or you personally cannot be disclosed without your consent.
It is important to talk to your husband, tell him about your fears and explain how much it hurts you.
“The best friend disliked my husband. She constantly tells me that he is uninteresting, limited and that he will not achieve anything in life.
Why does she need it? And how to behave: interrupt with her any relations or rigidly put in place? “Tamara, 27 years
It happens that our close friends are jealous or jealous of us. It is important to understand why this is happening. Maybe a friend really cares about you, is afraid of losing you, and she just needs proof that with the advent of your husband and children in your life, your friendship with her will not end.
Or she doesn’t notice what makes you hurt. Then it is important to tell her how you feel when she attacks your husband. It may be that she lacks self-confidence or she does not feel happy, therefore she asserts herself at your expense.
When you feel good, she feels bad. To change the situation, it is better to communicate with your friend and husband separately, without arranging joint meetings and feasts.
And you need to agree with her about the rule: henceforth, your husband will not be discussed. Try the formula: “It upsets me when you speak ill of a person close to me. It is my choice.
Speaking badly of him, you devalue my relationship / hurt my feelings. ”
“My husband’s friends did not accept me to their company. When we meet, they constantly criticize me in front of her husband, and he laughs off.
When we come home, I try to explain what I feel, but he stubbornly says one thing: “Friends are sacred! We ate a pud of salt with them! ”Christina, 32 years old
Criticism is often perceived painfully. Especially those of us who were scolded more in childhood than praised.
After all, in fact, we are told in what we are bad. And in this, you see, a little pleasant.
However, criticism also varies. Constructive aims to make a difference.
For example, if certain rules of communication are accepted among the husband’s friends, and you don’t know them, you can gently, in the form of light criticism, talk about them. But not to emphasize what a bad person you are, but to introduce you to traditions and just to be accepted into the company.
Destructive criticism, on the contrary, destroys and hurts because it is a type of aggression. Under her pressure, you can do nothing to correct the situation. And in this case, instinctively, there is a desire to defend oneself, to pretend that nothing is happening, or simply to run somewhere far away.
It is important to understand what is happening with you. If you violate the unspoken charter of the company, consider why your behavior caused such a reaction and what you can do to change your attitude towards yourself. If you are faced with attacks and your partner does not intend to intercede for you, he actually gives his tacit consent to the aggression against you.
That is, can not or does not want to understand the complexity of the situation and support you. Then you should clearly realize this and honestly ask yourself two questions: “How do I feel in this company? And am I ready to be with a man who renounces me in a difficult situation? ”
“After meeting with mutual friends, my husband every time begins to compare me with her friends. They cook better, and their floors are cleaner, and children are more obedient.
The message is always the same: “Not that you are!”. On this basis, we often swear, but he does not draw any conclusions and continues to hurt me with his comments. ” Svetlana, 25 years old
In our society, it is customary to evaluate and compare each other. When comparisons are minus, they hurt and undermine our self-esteem and self-confidence.
However, the problem is always hidden inside the “prosecutor”. There may be several situations. Perhaps the husband is afraid of losing you.
By debasing you, he thus creates for himself a guarantee that you will not leave him anywhere. This behavior is often found in codependency relationships. Or the husband does not realize what makes you hurt.
He compares you to her friends simply because he is used to doing so. And he himself, most likely, also constantly compares with more successful comrades, because he is not confident in himself. If the husband does so quite consciously or even intentionally, he is either a manipulator or a psychopath.
What to do? To begin to speak frankly. Tell your husband that these words hurt you.
If this is a “bad” habit, the husband will need time to get rid of it. Have patience, but every time by all means, and this very minute, stop any attempts to compare you. Use the i-messages: “I don’t like being compared,” “It hurts me / it’s unpleasant to listen to it now.”
And both make it a rule for yourself to never compare each other with other people’s wives and husbands. Every evening, praise each other for the three acts committed during the day. By the way, it would be good to include children in this tradition.
Only praise should be sincere, without irony or hidden ridicule.
“When friends come to visit, they almost do not pay attention to our child and behave as if I have to devote all my attention to them. That is about the son at the time of their visit, I must completely forget.
At the same time, they never bring gifts for him, although when I was little, adults always came to us with small surprises or sweets. ” Julia, 34 years old
It is worth figuring out what hurts you in this situation. What guests do not pay attention to your child? If so, think about why this is fundamentally important to you.
What is your personal need ignored? These are your friends, and it is natural that they come to communicate with you, and not with your baby. There are people who do not like children, there are parents who notice only their own offspring, because they consider them to be the best.
It is extremely difficult for couples to integrate into the atmosphere of a family where there are children. We are all different, but this or that attitude towards children does not prevent us from being good friends.
Think about the fact that your friends probably have a hard time. After all, they feel that after the appearance of your child, you began to expect something more from them.
You now evaluate people through the prism of their relationship to your son! In the end, they may not communicate with your child tritely because they do not know how to talk to children. Ask yourself if you are ready to give up friendship if your girlfriends will not be able to find common language with your child?
And if they pay attention to him, but not in the form in which you expect it from them? After all, you are waiting for something specific, namely gifts.
We all express love differently, and we all have different values. What if friends have no money: what if it is more important for them to give a gift to you, not to your son, what to do if gifts in principle do not matter to them? Imagine for a moment that you come to visit, and the hostess seems to be waiting for something from you.
At the same time, she is silently angry or offended, but you just can not understand what is the matter. And then you will find out that they were waiting for a gift from you. What will you be?
Very often, what hurts us is not what happens in reality, but what we ourselves expect from it. We cannot change others, we can only tell people close to us about what is important to us.
Ask friends to pay more attention to your son, but leave them the right to decide whether to do it or not, and if so, in what form.
“I introduced my husband to my friends before the wedding, and almost immediately he began to flirt with one of them. When we meet together and they begin to flirt, I pretend that I do not take this seriously, because I trust both, but inside me it is very difficult. ” Irina, 30 years old
You can silence the problem of the best intentions to avoid conflicts or smooth out sharp corners, for example. But when we suppress our emotions, psychosomatics begins.
In your situation, it is natural to feel angry. If you suppress it, it is fraught with headaches, high blood pressure, and even depression, when you will punish yourself, because you will be afraid to show your anger openly and be considered a “bad girl.”
But if you remain silent, nothing will change. It can only get worse.
Often treason is committed with the tacit permission of the second party, and you need to remember this. If you tolerate flirting, your husband and girlfriend may think that you either do not notice or you notice, but you have nothing against it. First you need to tell your spouse about your feelings: “It is very unpleasant for me when a beloved man gives attention to another woman.”
If the husband does not respond, do not be afraid to show the claws and declare in a rigid form: “You can’t do this with me!” You can also talk separately with your girlfriend. The warning roar of the tigress can save your marriage, and the silent “agreement” and tears in the pillow will almost certainly destroy it.