Among the well-established cultural codes of humanity there is a ban on the public demonstration of intimate parts of your body, as well as performing intimate actions for all. People call it bashfulness.
And the fact that this is a cultural code, and not a physiological human need, proves the fact that in some tribes people still go naked.
Shame works not because something absolutely bad is done, but because the action was not approved by society. Shame can be compared with fear – it is the fear of being condemned by society for doing something bad from the point of view of its norms.
And society necessarily needs norms, because without norms it would not have survived! Shame is the feeling that allowed humanity to become humanity.
So a child, getting from a family to another social space, to kindergarten, is obliged to comply with the norms of the team. For its own sake.
And, if the parents did not explain to the kid that in kindergarten, for example, one cannot run naked (although this is customary in their home), and he ran, the surrounding people will certainly let the child understand that he is doing obscene things. This is where any normal baby will experience shame.
And also insult and pain. Moreover, such a trauma inflicted on all of them can give rise to a feeling of guilt carried through life, and that natural, but intimate, what happened to everyone, runs the risk of being reborn into an unnatural.
Parents are guilty in such a situation, because the child was ashamed because mom and dad did not tell him how to act in society is possible, but how it is impossible. In addition to the obvious rules, there are temporary moments in the behavior of children, implicit for parents, but about which adults simply must know, so that later their child is not painfully ashamed.
The task of the parents is to prevent possible embarrassing situations with their child as much as possible.
The clinical psychologist-sexologist MARINA YUMINOVA answers the common questions of parents.
The girl says that she is not a mother, but she will be a father’s wife, flirting with him, pushes away her mother, seeks to kiss her father on the lips. How to respond?
Why it happens? All this is quite normal, and this is not the situation when a child needs to talk about shame.
Because there is nothing to be ashamed of. At the age of 4–5 years, children experience the Oedipus complex – the first and strong stage of sexuality, which they usually show in relation to the parent of the opposite sex.
Those things that previously did not matter to the baby, now become significant. At the same time, the child begins to check the limits of what is permitted.
Parents need to prepare for the fact that the child will talk about wanting to marry or marry someone of them, and be jealous, and sometimes even angry at another because of the inability to get the desired partner status. Even in a situation when the child, as if provoking a parent, tries to act somehow: wants to kiss on the lips, takes seductive poses, sometimes even undresses, mom and dad should not forget that the child does not understand what he is doing.
It is wrong to be amazed, horrified, or to transfer the conversation to another topic, hushing up it. Parents often do wrong, forcing the child to be ashamed of their natural and yet chaste desires, not realizing that it is very difficult for him to cope with this.
Right. The task of the parents is to gently show the child the limits of what is permitted, explaining that the father already has a wife, this is the mother.
And can not be otherwise. And the baby will definitely have a couple, but only when he grows up.
Is it normal when a boy asks to let her mother touch her breast?
Why is this happening? There is nothing terrible in all this, natural interest. As for my mother’s chest, you need to keep a body culture, not to undress with a 4-year-old boy, so as not to provoke a child to this kind of curiosity.
But, if the situation has already arisen, it is necessary to understand the quality in which the child perceives the breast.
First, it can be manifestations of an oedipal complex on the part of the boy to his mother. Or the mother’s breast can be perceived by the child (and the girl too) as a feeding tool. Often this happens with the appearance of the second child, when the older child is anxious, he regresses, he lacks attention and care.
Having found the reason, it is necessary to tell the child what is happening to him and give him more time.
What to say to a 5 year old child who likes to keep his hands in his underpants? And sometimes masturbating …
Why it happens? Parents should know that some children often masturbate. And that’s fine.
Why do kids do this at all? This gives them a tactile pleasure, and in a situation when the baby is nervous, he thus makes himself pleasant and calms down.
It happens that a child performs something like that with his parents, sometimes covertly. In that and in another case with the child need to talk about it.
Incorrectly sharply respond to masturbation. To say that it is wrong, that it is impossible to do this, is unacceptable.
A sharp negative parental reaction, in essence, acting as a punishment, can form a complex in a child or make such behavior in general lead, affecting everything else that becomes difficult to cope with later.
Right. One of the parents’ tasks is to understand why the child does this, what happens to him, from which he thus calms down or gets the thrill, lacking vivid emotions.
And think about what is missing in your family to compensate for the missing baby. And for this you should watch the child and understand at what moments he resorts to this method of complacency.
Maybe this is due to some over-emotional stress? Or because of the conflict in kindergarten?
Because of the tensions between mom and dad? This kind of regular action always has a reason, and it needs to be clarified. The child needs to be told that you have seen what he is doing, and above all to reassure the child, saying that what is happening is normal, all people are engaged in it.
But! They are doing this alone when they are alarmed about something and they want to calm down in this way.
You can even say: “If you can’t tolerate at all and you want to do it, go to the bathroom, for example. So that no one saw you. ”
Is it normal when a child of 5 years away or away on the beach runs naked?
Wrong. It all depends on the culture of behavior in the family.
It is wrong to walk with your home in underwear, in wide open dressing gowns, change clothes with a child, take a shower with him, go to the toilet with him. Moreover, the sex of the child does not matter: it is impossible for a mother to walk bare-handed neither with her son nor with her daughter, since they inculcate the cultural norms in their children with their own example.
Right. Normally in the house do not expose what is closed in front of other people outside it. We need to explain to the kid that we change clothes only in the bedroom or in the bathroom, and only when it is necessary.
We must understand that the situation with the child is temporary, but at the same time keep it under control. You should not be ashamed, but you should gently indicate your position: “Darling, you shouldn’t walk like that, because dad and I never do that.
We are people, and people at home go in clothes. ”
At what age is telling a child about the sexual danger that can come from an adult? How to do it right?
Already with 4-5 years, you can talk with your baby on the subject of bodily boundaries. On the boundaries of the body of the child and the body of other people.
Wrong . If the problems associated with body issues are not spoken by parents, they are silenced, if the child has not been told about the boundaries of his body, about the fact that no one has the right to touch, in case something bad happens, the child will be ashamed, ashamed to tell parents about it. Therefore, it is so important not to scare the child, not to shame in the case of any of his actions or questions about the body.
Right. It is necessary to tell the child how handsome he is, what he is – just like every person is special, different from others and that his body belongs only to him alone. And therefore you can touch it only with the permission of the owner, that is, the child himself.
And against his will is impossible in any case.
You can use the method of “social circles” already tested in kindergartens and schools in the USA and Europe. A photo of a child is pasted in the center of a sheet of paper, around which diverging circles are drawn. The closest circles: mom, dad, grandmother, then – educators, nanny, doctors and so on.
Circles are the degree of closeness to the child, the farther it is, the less action is allowed to this person. The farthest circles are not even allowed to touch the child.
And the child should know this hierarchy.
What to do and say when children consider the genitals of each other?
Why it happens? Practically all children do this.
And this is quite normal, it is just curiosity, because at 4-5 years old boys and girls cannot have sexual feelings towards each other.
Correctly If parents witnessed this, it is necessary to explain to the children that they are looking at each other because their bodies are different and, of course, this is interesting. And it was interesting in the same age and mom, and dad, and all the other people.
But! “And let’s take a better look at the atlas of the human body all together, because everything is better seen in the pictures, and it is clear that why and how it works” – such a parental sentence is the best option in this situation. Now the curiosity of the children will be fully satisfied, but something mysterious will not turn into a “forbidden fruit”.
It happens that in kindergartens, having noticed something like this, educators shame children. It is unacceptable.
Protecting the child, putting boundaries to caregivers, explaining to them that this is normal is the task of the parents. And the child needs to explain the emotions of an adult: “You know, sometimes some adults are very surprised, even scared, seeing this. In general, they may not want to see any of your actions at all.
And their feelings also need to be respected. Not to mention the fact that in kindergarten there are rules that cannot be broken. ”
At what age should a boy wash himself?
As soon as a child has an interest in his mom or dad as a potential partner (the manifestations of the oedipus complex increase again), one has to leave the bathroom. Such things need to be monitored and, noticing, from now on, to send the baby to wash with the parent of his gender, by all means marking his action verbally: “Oh, you’re already quite big, it’s time to wash with the dad.”
Since when is the boy no longer worth driving to the toilet in public places, as many mothers do?
The boy, of course, should not be taken to the ladies toilet at all. It should be understood that the boy in the female toilet is a forced measure.
At the age of 5 he may already be embarrassed, and then it is necessary to explain to him what is happening: “You see, we have no other choice until you alone can go to the men’s room, so today we go to the women’s and close in the booth.”
As for visiting the pool, this is already a question of our culture and perception of what is happening in society. Women in the locker room, too, may not be too comfortable naked in front of a five-year-old guy. So the situation of dressing a 4–5-year-old boy there is undesirable.
If this happens, the child also needs to say that he is here only because there is no other way out. In general, children of this age already serve themselves well, and in swimming groups there are usually male coaches or other, more independent children, with whom you can send your son to the locker room.
How to react to swear words uttered by a child?
Why is this happening? When a baby discovers that there are so-called “shameful” words that cause certain emotions, he can indulge in saying them, just having fun, hooligans.
Perhaps this is his form of protest, he lacks something and he is trying to get it in this way. In this case, parents need to understand the problem, and if it does not work out, contact a psychologist for help.
Right. There is no need to exhort the baby to no avail.
You can play these words. For example, by themselves repeating them out of place and out of place, but agree with the child that this can be done only at home and nowhere else.
Explain that in kindergarten the tutors certainly will not want to play it. And most importantly, often insert into his speech complex, unusual, difficult-to-pronounce “adult” words, telling the child that there are also such. Offer to learn how to pronounce them.
Thus, switch it from expletives to others. It might work.