In the era of selfless consumption, many want to take the maximum out of life. We place high demands not only on our own career or the appearance of material wealth in our lives.
In the matrimonial bedroom, we are waiting for the fulfillment of the most cherished desires with the same impatience. Moreover, it is no longer a shame to even liberate yourself in sex and even fashionable. But although many of us are ready to openly discuss the details of intimate life with friends or colleagues, few people still venture on a frank conversation with a partner.
But the problems of a sexual nature faced by the majority of spouses. The first question arises: where did the passion disappear, and with it the orgasm?
If you leave it unanswered, these thoughts will undoubtedly bring to a critical dilemma: stay together or separate? To make the right decision, it is necessary to weigh the pros and cons.
The concept of “sexual compatibility” is not a myth and not a provocation. This is an integral part of harmonious relations, which, unlike Europeans, we began to think about only now.
10–15 years ago, the intimate facet of married life was bracketed, because the world was confidently ruled by men, and women had no moral right to undermine their authority with doubts. Today there is a completely different coordinate axis. Women mastered male professions and were able to combine a family with a career.
Increased social activity automatically inflamed their sexual appetites. Women began to have sexual intercourse earlier and began to change partners in the premarital period, and from the lawful spouse they were finally asked for a diversity in sex. In addition, ladies actively engaged in self-education, including in the genital area.
Yoga and Pilates helped them to know their body better. All these trends have led modern women to voice their fantasies and have allowed a change of partner in the event that the right to vote is deaf to their sexual needs.
There was a change in the gentleman’s camp. Now a rather large class of men who grew up without fathers has appeared on the public arena. Their distinguishing feature is excessive selectivity.
All because many women raising their sons alone are very authoritarian. In adult life, such gentlemen unconsciously search for a beloved who would meet the criteria of her mother in everything.
And casting, as experience shows, can go on for a long time.
Dissatisfaction with sex always speaks of a crisis in relationships. Sometimes it can be overcome, sometimes not. The difficulty is that incompatibility is not always easy to identify.
If the partners are opposites, they usually see the light after the first night: sexual expectations are not met, and there is no point in continuing to meet. But it also happens that even strong differences are not immediately apparent. At first, partners can hold out on bare enthusiasm and pure interest: their feelings and passion are blinding, distorting reality.
Especially if a woman waited a long time for the novel and managed to accumulate a powerful charge of tenderness and a strong desire to love. In these cases, at the first stage, the quality of sex will be high, but then it will certainly deteriorate. The insight usually comes when the bouquet and candy period ends safely and the joint life with a regular sexual routine begins.
In this case, the sooner both realize that they are incompatible, the better.
Sexual incompatibility is directly related to the divergence of characters, and if the spouses do not get along well with each other, problems in bed will certainly begin. The mental profile is given to each of us from birth. Its formation is influenced primarily by the metabolic rate in the body, on which the speed of biochemical reactions that affect the severity and intensity of our emotions depends.
All people can be divided into several psycho types: asthenic, cycloid, hysterical, schizoid, etc. Each metabolic rate will be different, determine its genes, and it is impossible to change.
These differences also leave an imprint on sexual preferences. So, the hysteric does not think of sex without role-playing games, outrageous and shouting, and astenik is content with classical poses and restrains emotions even at the time of orgasm.
Personality affects the sexual constitution. This criterion is also inherited, and it is he who determines our libido and sexual activity.
So it turns out that some people only have sex once a week, while others need to do it at least twice a day.
It is not only genes that affect our sexual behavior. Sometimes the incompatibility is caused by the mismatch of gender roles — socially approved behavioral models typical of each sex.
For example, a partner with hypertrophied masculine qualities will be prone to brutal sex without foreplay. It’s pointless to blame him, because he really likes it.
The problems will begin if the Turgenev girl with a romantic view of the world turns out to be his chosen one, because she will need tenderness, care and. long foreplay.
Of great importance and sexual acceptability – those types of sex and its alternatives that people allow for themselves. These representations form already nurture.
And according to this criterion, discrepancies are evident immediately: when one likes oral sex, and the second perceives coitus only as a child-bearing function, it is naive to wait for harmony.
If all these fundamental differences turn a blind eye, one of the partners will inevitably become a sacrifice and will cease to reckon with his true desires. In our country, unlike the West, patriarchal foundations are strong, and the majority of women fall into this trap. They choose voluntary service to a man, and after giving birth to children or grandchildren, they humbly place a cross on themselves, directing all thoughts and concerns to the benefit of loved ones.
Of course, sex is not an end in itself, but only a decoration of relationships, and many people do without it. The only question is: why make such a choice?
In addition, scientists have proved that the turmoil in sexual life contributes to the development of a variety of ailments and turn into early aging.
Quite another thing – a temporary crisis in a stable relationship. Sex is primarily an affiliate function, so bedding can be a misunderstanding during difficult times for marriage.
There are a lot of reasons for hitches, but interpersonal conflicts are always the basis. If the spouses do not know how to negotiate or do not want to discuss the urgent problems, the sexual desire disappears automatically.
Disagreements usually arise on social grounds. A typical scenario: he provides a family and has to work hard, and she is sorely lacking in his attention.
If the family has not resolved the housing problem or if the husband suddenly loses his job, the spouse will also accumulate dissatisfaction. Many women in such circumstances, instead of constructive dialogue, are thwarted by accusations or insults. And make a big mistake.
In men, society is in the first place, and the main value for them is their own social status. That is why their financial potentials have a negative impact on their potency. If in difficult times the wife does not provide moral support, the situation is only aggravated.
But even in men there are plenty of reasons for criticism. Claims begin if a woman ceases to follow her or if, after giving birth, she pays all attention to the baby.
A man feels unnecessary and may lose all interest in his wife.
The main evidence of sexual compatibility is, of course, the pleasure of the process itself. Only it does not always equal orgasm.
The male myth that all women enjoy the pleasure of directly inserting the penis into the vagina has nothing to do with reality. According to statistics, only 10% of women experience a vaginal orgasm.
All others prefer clitoral or physical caress. But both those and others in order to achieve their own maximum need first of all emotional intimacy with a partner.
The nature of female attraction and female orgasm is 90% psychogenic, so the quality of orgasm and the degree of pleasure each woman directly depends on how her partner treats her and what signs of attention she has. And expensive gifts have nothing to do with it: sometimes quite a daisy, unexpectedly presented during a walk.
Therefore, a woman experiences an orgasm with some men, but not with others. The size of the penis affects this little.
Experts confirm: people with atypical anatomical parameters also know how to achieve higher enjoyment.
And yet the absence of orgasm can be explained not only by emotional cold: we often set ourselves a taboo. So blaming your partner’s own bedding fiasco is not always correct.
The ability to enjoy sex and have an orgasm depends on us, and it is also equivalent to the ability to enjoy life. All these opportunities detract from the complexes that come from childhood and stereotypes imposed by society.
For example, some of us unconsciously program ourselves to fail by comparing their current chosen one with the former ones or trying on their parental relationship model for their family. Only self-sufficient and independent individuals are free from such internal prohibitions and attitudes.
Psychologists are sure: if love became the motive for creating a union, if both partners understand themselves and each other well and if they managed to keep a playful mood not only in bed but also in life, then they will be able to overcome any obstacles.
1) If there is a discord in the relationship, do not blame the whole partner, but rather ask yourself: what disadvantages are stopping you and what can you change in yourself to correct the situation?
2) Voice your experiences. Just do not blame your partner for anything, talk about yourself and your feelings, and be sure about how much you love him.
3) Discuss your sexual fantasies with your partner. No need to think that a man should be able to do everything. Do not be afraid to teach and guide each other.
4) If the partner’s requests are surprising or rejecting, you have to decide whether you are ready for it or not. Just remember that, thanks to unexpected experiments, new sexual horizons often open up. And if your proposals do not find a response from a partner, do not insist on your own.
Manipulations do not lead to anything good.
5) If the conflict on your own can not be repaid, you can contact a specialist. An experienced therapist will teach partners to correctly interpret each other’s habits and character.
Consultant: Svetlana Koroleva, sexopathologist, d. M. n.