Francoise Dolto, French psychiatrist and psychoanalyst
Until Francoise Dolto, the baby was considered an object capable only of eating, sleeping and shouting. The first time we heard that a human being, despite its age, is a separate person with his own rights that must be respected.
Today it is known that infants express themselves with the help of various gestures of communication, and we must learn to see them, understand and respond to them.
Of course, despite the fact that a child is a personality, one cannot consider him an adult in miniature, which should not be brought up. The task of parents is to teach him to live in society.
Long before birth, in the mother’s belly, the baby listens to human speech. Observing patients a few weeks old, Françoise Dolto found that the word for babies can have a healing effect.
Therefore, she always advised parents to talk with their children about everything that concerns them from birth, to talk with them “truly”, sincerely and simply, avoiding “children’s words”.
Needless to say, you can not tell the child everything, telling him what comes to mind, at any time. No matter how small a child is, he feels whether you are sincere or not.
Mom can make a mistake: just admit your mistake and apologize!
Accept the fact that with age the child moves away from you. For us, growing up a child seems simple and obvious, but for a child it is not so easy.
Each advancement requires the child to abandon earlier pleasures. At birth, the newborn is cut the umbilical cord, and he refuses unity with his mother, but at the same time he finds a world where he breathes on his own.
When a child stops feeding on breast milk, he loses his physical intimacy with his mother, but by freeing his mouth, he becomes able to speak. Having learned to walk, the child moves away from the mother even more, but begins to discover the outside world.
With the attainment of purity, the baby must abandon diapers, but at the same time gains more freedom and independence. By 3 years, the opening of the sexes will follow, which means for the child a new loss: the boy understands that he will not have a child like his mother, and the girl – that she will never have a “tap”. But this is also a step forward, because the boy and the girl now know who they are and what sex they belong to.
Each time a child must part with the old world in order to discover a new one. This is evidence that the child grows and matures, and the role of parents – to help him successfully overcome temporary difficulties.
Berry T. Braselton, American Pediatrician
After many years of practice, Brazelton came to the conclusion that the basis of successful parenting is trust. Father and mother must act without preparation: if they believe in themselves, they themselves can take care of the children very well.
Of course, parents have moments of despair or they feel that they no longer understand this little creature, they feel incapable, dissatisfied, upset, led astray. This is normal. The main thing is that the child can build a positive self-esteem, he just needs to feel that he is a person with whom his father and mother reckon: they rejoice in his success, even the most insignificant, appreciate his efforts and support.
They praise him for the first babbling, rejoice when, having heard their voice, he turns his head for the first time when he grabs a toy.
A newborn needs the attention of a father. The first harmonious relationship between mother and baby is indispensable for him, but early relationships, tied with his father, are no less important.
From the first days of his life, the baby’s father’s attention is important when he calms him down, shakes, wears, bathes, gives him a pacifier, changes clothes, gets up at night to calm him down when he cries, plays with him. Relations with the father have nothing to do with the relationship with the mother, said Braselton; there can be no question of a father being like a mother.
He treats the child differently and cares for him, so communication with him is so important for the baby. Changing the type of communication is very exciting child, because it enriches his palette of emotions, the child learns new games, feelings.
Relationship with the father contribute to the personal emotional balance of the child, as well as his parents: the attention of the child’s father reduces his intimacy with his mother. Through the father, an understanding comes to the child that he is not everything for his mother and his mother is not everything for him; This transition from the relationship of two people to the trio is a key stage in the development of an independent child’s personality.
In the normal development of a child, quiet periods when everything is going well are replaced by difficult ones, when the child does not sleep well, eats, cries a lot, and makes hysterics. Parents who would like everything to be perfect, do not understand what is happening, worry, blame themselves.
In fact, these critical moments are what Braselton calls “transition points.” Each progress in development, each achievement, the attainment of a new quality is preceded by a period of recession.
The first three months, the child’s crying at the end of the day is inevitable: it relieves the daily stress. It’s no use getting upset and trying to stop him at any cost; crying will pass by itself.
By 6–7 months, a young child has a desire to explore the world around him, and his own limitations annoy him to the highest degree. He becomes irritable. By 8–10 months, getting up on your feet, the desire to explore the world, to touch everything is a source of irritation.
By the age of one and a half years, mastering speech, developing imagination, and self-affirmation cause constant torment and anger attacks in a child. All these difficulties are in the order of things, the crisis is a normal stage of development, because without it there can be no development.
Donald Woods Winnicot, English pediatrician and psychoanalyst
During pregnancy, a woman acquires the ability of complete self-sacrifice for the sake of a future newborn, what Winnicot calls “primary maternal care.” From birth, the baby is completely dependent on the mother, and she begins to adjust her life to the needs of the baby.
When the child has a feeling of hunger, she notices it and gives him a chest, warms him, if he is cold, changes his diaper, if he sees that he is wet. And then the child begins to think that he himself creates and finds what he needs.
He feels omnipotent! Over time, the mother receives more and more freedom regarding the needs of the child and, as the child is able to do without it, takes less and less participation in his life.
This destroys the child’s illusion of her own omnipotence, and he begins to see the reality: Mom should not be perfect. If she tried all the time to protect the child from any disorder, she would have made him addicted, it would have prevented him from seeing reality and becoming an independent person who would have to exist once in a society without her mother’s help.