On the one hand, in pedagogy such a technique is not welcome – it is considered manipulative and tough. Approximately the same as the threat of a doctor when you need to convince a child to dress warmly.
On the other hand, in practice one cannot do without it. Without an aunt who looks, it is almost impossible to raise a child’s public consciousness.
It is clear that any independent, independent person must understand the limits of their independence. She should feel where her independence comes into conflict with the independence of other people, and build her behavior in the light of compromise of interests. But this topic is very complex.
And in adulthood, not everyone owns it confidently and comprehensively. What to say about children who, because of their emotionality, find it so difficult to give up their desires and short-term needs? “You can’t take other people’s toys” – “But I’m already playing the whole walk with this tractor, which means I need it more”; “Do not hit the ball on the floor, it is still too early, everyone is asleep” – “Nothing is too early, I already woke up”; “Look, nobody eats ice cream on the bus” – “They probably didn’t have time to buy, so they don’t eat” …
To clarify such social subtleties (why we cannot always do things that, in general, are not prohibited), we turn to aunt, uncle, other boys and girls. We endow them with the appropriate situations with thoughts and feelings, and this is how, through emotions, we cultivate respect for social norms and rules.
However, it is important that the aunt responded adequately and, moreover, was generally a normal person, without accentuation in behavior. Otherwise, it is – well, not so much that it spoils its whole life, but it certainly can distort ideas about the interaction of a person with society.
And they are different aunts.
Some “aunts” look at the child constantly, almost around the clock. They watch how he eats, sleeps, how many walks and how he talks with his grandmother. They, it seems, are not too strict – they do not apply any specific sanctions, but are present invisibly everywhere.
And precisely in this their danger. Such aunts form the external motivation of actions, teach them to think that they have to constantly think about how the situation looks in the eyes of others.
“Grandma from the father’s side at one time was against the wedding of parents. And my mother always waited for her visit as if it were a review of the audit committee. “Sit quietly, you need to remove dust everywhere, and then grandmother will come.
Let me braid the pigtails better. When the doorbell rings, sit down and draw, and do not run around the house.
Oh, we have no candy. ” While we lived in the same city as my grandmother, my mother was in constant tension (I felt it, although I was still small), and this apparently became a habit.
Because even then such warnings were heard very often. “A neighbor should go in – change clothes,” “You need to read more, otherwise they will not be taken to a good class. What will I tell my friends then? ”
True, this did not only concern me – the topic “what people think” in general sounded in the house very often. For example, when we were going to rest in the summer, the main thing in the discussion was precisely the question of where did any of my friends go. ” As a teenager I dreamed of living alone and never thinking what they would say about me.
But – strange thing – now I also force children to change clothes, when someone has to come. And I also say, “what will people think?”.
Most often, the method of education “vigilant aunt” is inherited. Especially since he also relies on personal qualities. Such as timidity, indecision, fearfulness, shyness.
But it happens that in this way adults simply seek to make their lives easier. For example, the grandmother is engaged in education. She, on the one hand, wants unquestioning observance of discipline by her grandchildren.
On the other hand, I don’t like the role of a strict teacher. Therefore, she resorts to the help of the very aunt.
Which, it seems, does nothing, but constantly controls. The result will still be the same. High social anxiety, the impossibility of a truly independent thinking and a low level of intrinsic motivation.
Even as an adult, it is difficult for a person to understand, he himself decided to do just that, or this is how my aunt influenced.
There are aunts who are not so observant. They do not really care about how the child looks, how he plays, whether he shares with toys. They only monitor serious violations of behavior, but then, if this happened, the matter is not limited to discontent. “Now she will take you and take you to the police.”
Either he will write a complaint, or he will take it to his upbringing (“… and then you will learn how to behave”). Adults who practice this method do not see any weak points in it.
On the contrary, they believe that this contributes to the child’s understanding of the inevitability of punishment. Someone else can not be taken, it is punished by society, and the Criminal Code has a corresponding article.
It is too early for her child to read, but you can say: “Someone will see that you ride a bicycle on someone else’s bike and tell the policeman.” Later, when the child gets older, the parents can not understand why it is no different for the love of discipline.
They think that little threatened by an evil aunt.
Actually the opposite. So much and consistently that the child made his conclusions.
First: you need to behave well if there are people nearby who can punish you for it.
Second, if you are not sure if you are doing well or badly, you need to ensure that no one finds out.
Such children are well versed in people, they know how to feel all the subtleties of the situation and very early learn to use all this for their own purposes. They often say lies, manipulate both adults and their peers.
They do everything to avoid punishment, without understanding the meaning of the rules and, of course, not seeing in them any moral value.
“During the trip I was traveling in the same compartment with a girl of five or six years old. She sat so quietly, I even thought: “Wow, what calm children are.” Then she apparently became bored, and she began to open and close the door of the compartment.
Mom immediately recalled her to the corridor and quietly said: “Look how aunt looks displeased. You slam the door once more – she will immediately tell the head of the train to be dropped off. ” I did not even immediately realize that it was about me.
Am I making such a terrible impression? But it worked on the girl, and she literally sat up to sleep, almost without moving. In the morning, when the train arrived at the scene and everyone started to leave, she slammed the door of the neighbor’s compartment with such force that the other girl had toys.
She burst into tears, and my fellow traveler quickly ran off to the side and pretended that she had nothing to do with it … ”.
Children brought up in the face of threats are more aggressive. Sometimes it manifests itself in relation to the weaker – for example, to domestic animals, younger children. Sometimes aggression is directed at itself.
The child bites his nails, tweaks himself, tugs his hair. In addition, a general misconception about interaction with other people is being formed.
For all his indiscipline, a child can be very dependent, driven, and therefore vulnerable. What does a warning mean for a child: will this person scold you, punish you? That a stranger has this right.
There are aunts who, it seems, have no complaints. They are too good-natured, decent and weak to insist on something. They can only be offended, sad, worried.
These aunt appeals parents are emotive, prone to compassion. It is difficult for them to say something sharp, to insist on something, so they give pity a large role in education.
“I worked so hard, so tired. Don’t you feel sorry for mom? Do you continue to ask outside? ”,“ Poor boy, he wants to play with your toys, he probably doesn’t have such good ones ”,“ You sit and eat sweets.
Treat your aunt, otherwise she is offended. ”
In itself, all this, like, not bad. We must strive for kindness, mutual understanding in society.
Educating attentive attitude to other people, the ability to abandon their interests for the sake of the interests of another person should contribute to this. Yes, it is – contributes.
If, of course, does not overstep the bounds of the necessary. If a person can have compassion, but does not live with this thought all the time.
If you feel pity, but does not suffer at the same time a sense of guilt.
“We recently moved. On the first evening a neighbor came – an elderly lady – and asked not to knock from two to four. This, of course, was inconvenient for us (repairs should be done), but she so pitifully told about her problems that we promised not to make noise.
Then it was his son’s birthday. Children just started to play, she goes – Valentina Petrovna. “You are smart kids, you have to understand me.
I am old and sick, I can fall at any moment, ”she said, and suggested quietly drawing as entertainment. Somewhere in a month, she reported that she was frightened when we returned home late at night.
Then – that her dog does not feel well from my perfume. Literally plagued us with their poor health and mournful appearance. Well, okay, a single woman, without a single relative – sorry for her.
And then she was hospitalized, and the child had a tantrum. He decided that it was, after all, for her that she felt so bad.
The old woman, it turned out, lay in plastic surgery. Eyelids themselves tightened. And then I took the child to a psychologist after his words “I will never forgive myself for that.”
In general, the next time she called and said that she was recommended complete rest, I said: “I can’t help you, unfortunately. We are recommended full noise. ”
Guilt is dangerous because it is invisible. Not all children openly share their inner experiences.
And therefore it is difficult to correct their ideas about the connection of events. The feeling of guilt then becomes a character trait, has an impact on all actions.
A person understands that he does what he does not like, but cannot change anything. From the consciousness that he will bring trouble to others, it becomes even harder for him.
So with good, but unhappy aunts (their children, dogs) parents should also be careful. It is one thing to be able to care, participate, pity, be able to show these feelings.
The other is to experience constantly. So the educational technique “aunt looks” is not as simple as it seems. And if used improperly, it has many undesirable consequences.
Especially when you consider that its positive version (“How everyone looks at you and rejoices!”) Is somehow not common. So it should be used with caution, not too often.
Better – as a supplement to the explanations and personal example.