This is actually the easiest rule. Because it is executed by itself.
Mom does not need to arrange special classes to tell her daughter about what is the life of an adult woman and what are the features in it. Starting from early childhood, the daughter learns it, mostly unconsciously, thanks to the behavior of the mother, her attitude towards men, to the family and to the children.
Knowledge accumulates and will play a huge role in the life of an adult daughter. They, as well as affection, support and special emotional involvement of mothers help to realize their belonging to the sex, and later – to accept their female and maternal functions.
But there is a period when such an invisible information connection is particularly relevant and has a special meaning. These are pregnancy and the first weeks after the birth of the child.
Even those women who previously had not very warm relations with their mother, during pregnancy, want a closer communication, more participation from her.
The presence of close women, and above all mothers (now grandmothers), is also necessary for the first time after childbirth. What is important is not so much help in childcare, as moral support, admiration for the baby and a positive assessment of what is happening.
This is the transfer of parental status from mother to daughter.
- Greet a visit to your grandmother, and also, if possible, to other women of the family even in the first days of your child’s life. These are very important events for everyone – you, and previous generations, and the baby itself. After all, he is already able to see (no, rather, feel) the warmth emanating from the hands of loved ones, the tenderness of their voices turned to him. And it gives a sense of security and will stay with him for life.
- Whether to refer to the experiences of your mother, your grandmother, or to trust professional literature in everything that concerns child care is, of course, a personal matter. But it often turns out that modern techniques are just a slightly different view of what has been in practice for centuries. And therefore you should not categorically reject the advice – they, as a rule, are verified by experience.
- Perhaps, it is good if the mother has the opportunity to stay with you and with the child for the first time. After all, you will not find a more caring assistant in this situation. But it is better still that this was not a round-the-clock presence and that this period was not delayed at all. Otherwise, there is pushing into the background of the pope, who practically does not get anything from caring for the baby.
“It so happened that my mother and I were not very close, either literally or figuratively. When I was little, she was engaged in work, often leaving.
I stayed with my dad and grandmother. Then I went to study in another city, then I got married there.
We talked on the phone, rarely went to visit each other – and that was all … When I was seven months pregnant, my mother came – not on purpose, she had a business trip like this. And one evening she, asking how I was doing, said: “You know, when I was waiting for you, I always had a good mood.” She said it so that everything turned upside down in my heart.
So touching, gentle – true, how about a beloved child. We talked to her all evening. I wanted to know everything, everything about how I was born, how I was, how she fed me … And my mother remembered everything to the last detail – even the kind of diaper I was wrapped in in the hospital.
After this conversation, I was very good – I even felt better and was not so afraid of childbirth. I was sure that everything would be fine – like my mother’s with me. ”
This rule is much more complicated. And although everyone understands that an important quality of an adult is independence from parents, but in reality this is not always realized. The reason is not only that the grown daughter, not accustomed to independence, needs care.
Often, the mother herself is strongly opposed – although, of course, she does not state this openly.
Mom has good reasons for this behavior.
First, mothers, more than fathers, are included in the educational process; they tend to keep their son or daughter as a child.
Secondly, women are harder going through the crisis associated with the departure from the family of children. They often come “empty nest syndrome.”
Of course, not all moms behave the same. “Risk factors” can be considered unfolded personal life, lack of self-interest, inability to make changes in your life.
- Definitely determine the degree of independence is impossible, as it is impossible suddenly, at one point to become an independent person. But it must be kept in mind that now the family is you: a woman, a man, your children. And mom (like dad, like other relatives) are close, loved, dear people, but … they are no longer your family.
- When talking about your plans or decisions, use the pronoun “we” more often and let us understand that you attach importance to the decisions of your husband.
- It is not necessary to discuss with your mother absolutely all your affairs, to devote to all questions, including intimate ones. We cannot be in the same degree of intimacy with two people at the same time, and as long as the mother is the closest person to you, the husband cannot become one.
“My wife’s mom is a very good person. I was always glad to communicate with her, but I didn’t expect it to make life so difficult for us.
She comes to us every day – she cooks, cleans something or just like that … My wife, of course, tells her everything, they discuss plans together. I do not like that someone third knows about our lives, and sometimes I generally feel odd.
For example, my wife informed me that her mother would attend childbirth. They decided so because “it is easier for a woman, she knows what is needed.”
I do not mind, but it seems to me that we could discuss this issue first of all together. ”
You become a wife and mother, and your mother becomes a grandmother and mother-in-law. A completely natural process – in life, each of us performs with a dozen of roles.
But if everything is clear with my wife, mother and grandmother, then in the role of the mother-in-law there are obviously some difficult places. Jokes, folk epic and just scary stories from life convince: to fulfill this role for the joy of all – is problematic.
Women are more emotional, and harder for them than men, to come to terms with what seems to be wrong. “They like – let them live like this” – such a phrase can be heard from the father-in-law, father-in-law, even mother-in-law, but not from mother-in-law. She (unlike her mother-in-law) also has a feeling of solidarity and sympathy for her daughter. And women are more jealous.
Mom is happy that her daughter is happy with her husband, but it turns out that she is happy completely without her, my mother’s participation. How so?
We must somehow return everything to its place.
The role of the grandmother is simpler and more pleasant. But here too there are difficulties, mainly due to the discrepancy of points of view on the educational process of grandmother and mother.
But they (points of view) cannot coincide – after all, the attitude to the grandchildren of people is completely different than that of their own children. Grandmother can rock her grandson for hours, although in her youth she was convinced that it was impossible to teach a child to her hands.
The grandmother will play the play in several faces so that the baby eats the soup, although her own children were brought up much easier. And the grandmother will give advice …
- Be indulgent, and if you do not like something, just share the care of the child by time. In “grandma’s time,” you only do your own business, without entering into the process of care and upbringing. So it is better for everyone – including the child, because the mother and grandmother fussing and arguing with each other tire him and convey their negative emotions.
- Do not be afraid that the child, having visited his grandmother, is completely spoiled and will forget what discipline is. He will really forget for a while, but in fact there are actually more pluses than minuses. That is how he learns to behave with different people, in different situations, to sensitively recognize the rules of behavior in a given society.
- The best way to help mother learn the role of mother-in-law is love. Your love for each other, which minimizes all negative influences from the outside, helps to treat many situations with humor and makes you protect each other in front of everyone – even before your own mother.
“My mother-in-law has a favorite habit of embroiling us, and then reconciling. And she does it so masterly – there is nothing to blame.
For example, I give my wife flowers. The mother-in-law admires the flowers and me, and then, somehow between times, starts a conversation that bad deeds cause feelings of guilt and make us do something good. No matter what I say in this situation, everything is against me and these flowers.
Of course, we begin to understand what and why, we are offended, and the mother-in-law begins to “improve the situation.” But without it, it would be all right! ”
So, independence, independence, the ability to make their own decisions – this is a very important condition for a happy family. But this does not mean that you should separate from your parents, as they say, once and for all. It is proved that people who retain warm emotional ties with their relatives feel happier.
Women who are satisfied with their relationship with their mother, better evaluate their own motherhood. They solve problems related to raising children better and pay more attention to them. If there is tension in the relationship with the mother, unspoken resentment, aggression, then this has the most negative effect on relations with their own children.
Psychologists are aware that for the most part, those who turn to problems with children have unresolved problems with their parents.
Maria complained that the 5-year-old daughter often takes other people’s things. She took the hairpin from the teacher in the kindergarten – and put it under the pillow, took out a dress from someone else’s locker – and hid her coat in the sleeve.
The same – at a party, and even at home. From the story of the mother, as well as after the conversation with the girl herself, it was obvious that the child simply did not have enough attention and she was trying to get it in any way – even with such “criminal” behavior. When it came to this with my mother, then she agreed, suddenly stopped talking, and after a minute … she began to cry.
An adult serious woman, a manager, just burst into tears and sobbed like a child. “… Did anyone think about me? Did my mom pay attention to me? She didn’t even take me by the hand, but she threw away my drawing on March 8 – so that the garbage doesn’t roll around … ”
But how to make a relationship good if it’s really bad? Is it possible to control feelings?
And no and yes. No – because emotions are almost impossible to control.
Yes – because we can always change our own behavior. And this in turn will lead to changes in the behavior of another person, which, of course, can affect your relationships and, consequently, emotions … So, everything in the world is interconnected.
And, although it is rather difficult, it’s worth a try.
- Now that you have become quite an adult, you can better understand the motives of your mom’s behavior. And because it’s time to part with children’s grievances (which sometimes remain for a lifetime). Recall a case that still bothers you, and explain it from your mother’s position. Think about what her feelings at that moment were, why she acted that way, etc. In general, stand in her place.
- Everything has two sides. Think about what good things turned out for you that you were offended by? Mom took the younger brother with her on a long trip, and left you with your grandmother for six months? So, maybe that’s why you are now so independent and able to make decisions?
- Of course, it’s best to talk about what’s bothering you. But it is desirable that conversations on this topic be spontaneous. Provoke the topic – and listen to what mom says. Of course, you can openly say that you have been offended and do not give rest for so many years. Often it is such conversations that help put an end to mutual tensions in a relationship.
- Do not use the child as a guide between you. “Yeah, my grandmother knows how to help — once the whole school laughed at me thanks to her advice,” “Listen to your mother, granddaughter, that your mother did not listen at one time — and what work does she have now?” frankly to talk, but relations from them will hardly improve.
- You can engage in educational work – to talk about why parents and children often do not understand each other. All this, of course, and so they know, but when it comes to their own relationships, we become too emotional, and therefore such a detached view will be very useful.
“For me, it has always been a problem to communicate with my daughters: as long as they are small, everything seems fine, but once again the schoolgirl doesn’t rise to caress her hand: it’s like a big one, she’s already wearing my things. What here calf tenderness. And then I suddenly realized: my mother always communicated with me strictly, without lisping, and now I just don’t know how it is possible differently.
And she began to retrain herself. Because if I did not get my share of the heat, this does not mean that my children should be deprived of this. Changing stereotypes is not easy.
But, probably, this makes sense: not to repeat the mistakes of our parents. ”