In most European countries and in the United States, the role of the head of the family and the earner has long been divided between the spouses. In Russia, this practice is still rare.
Our patriarchal type of family continues to dominate, where the pope is first and foremost a earner, and only then a tutor. Homework and childcare in Russia have traditionally been considered a woman’s business. “Most of the modern young fathers were raised in patriarchal families, where they could observe how duties were unevenly distributed between parents,” says family psychologist Olga Mladova. “However, over the years of their growing up, the attitude towards roles in a couple has changed dramatically, and now they are trying to adjust to the new living conditions. Especially since the image of a young father who is bothering his child has been actively promoted in the media recently.
And today, an increasing number of fathers are involved in the process of raising and caring for a child, becoming interested in pedagogical and psychological methods of upbringing, and attending parental courses with their mothers. ”
You can’t argue with numbers: even if a woman goes to work every day, she still takes over 80% of household chores. “At present, parents invest more work and care in their children,” says family psychologist Olga Mladova. – 40–50 years ago, “being good parents” meant giving your child a roof over your head and food. Nowadays, moms and dads try to develop children. A lot of time is spent on this: you need to be close to the child more often, listen to him, participate in his games, help open the world, achieve success in school, be independent, interact in society.
And this means that we must have time to do more than before. ” The question is only in the distribution of labor.
The usual thing: while we run into the nursery, bathe the child, cook dinner and hang out the laundry, men are often still at work. After all, you need to feed the family. “In order to somehow change the current situation, the state and society as a whole should push men to be close to the child.
To support them morally and financially, while allowing them to spend more time at home. ”
Anna, 26 years old, single, no children:
“I was probably brought up in an absolutely non-feminist atmosphere, but I believe that the head of the family should be a husband. Accordingly, he should provide the family.
I would not be able to relate normally to a man who calmly sits at home around his wife’s neck, raising children and doing housework. In my understanding, he would not be considered a man at all. ”
Irina, 34, mother of 7-year-old Egor:
“If a man earns less, it does not mean that he does not know how. It is quite possible that the wife’s profession or conditions are somehow distinguished, more paid.
But in the case when this work from the wife takes almost all the time, and the children remain on a stranger, it is terrible. It would be better to have dad with them, sacrificing their ambitions, than to grow up who knows, someone else’s child, who has nothing in common with either mom or dad, but with a hired nurse of unknown values and attitudes – who needs it? ”
Some dads say: “When the child is about 10 years old, then I will deal with him, but for now I have nothing to talk about with him”. And they are very wrong. By the time the child grows up, a situation may arise that he simply does not want to communicate with his father just because he did not receive his attention in childhood.
Dad’s participation in the child’s life is necessary from the very first days of his life. Suppose his role is not as noticeable as her mother’s, especially at first, but at the same time she is no less important. “There is a theory,” says psychologist Anna Kartashova, “according to which every adult person as a child receives two main attitudes.
The first answers the “what?” Question: what will I do when I grow up? (For example, I will go to college, I will get married, I will earn a lot of money, I will buy a house, a car, I will give birth to children.) The second answers the question “how?”: How will I achieve this? Usually, the installation “what?” The child takes from the parent of the opposite sex, and the installation “how?” From the parent of his gender.
If the family is incomplete, then the child has to take all the information from one person, and as a result, there is a mixture of concepts. In addition, during the period of its growth and development, the child must see how the man and the woman interact.
Not on TV, not in movies, but in real life. ”
OLEG, 35, advertising manager, father of 2-year-old Ivan:
“When Ivan appeared in the house, I began to devote much less time to work, I wanted to be with my family. And, since my profession involves a certain freedom, I limited myself to old customers and did not look for new ones.
Today I can see Ivan when I want, because I work at home. But I devote him less time than my wife. The main work is performed by Vika.
I help her well in terms of shopping, laundry and even ironing. I feed my son in the morning. And looking after him when his mom needs to leave.
When Vika comes back to work, we will discuss again who will do what. ”
VICTORIA, 28 years old, unemployed, Oleg’s wife:
“When my child and I returned from the hospital, Oleg really began to work less. But now I can not say the same thing.
The office of the husband is at home, and he can make time to communicate with his son. This is not to say that he has a lot to do with a child or often replaces me when I leave.
I spend all the days with Vanya, and I mostly do my homework. True, the husband willingly takes over the purchase and sometimes does the laundry. ”
In our country, dad on maternity leave is a rather rare phenomenon. Meanwhile, every year an increasing number of young mothers go to work 2-3 months after giving birth. “If a woman is able to more successfully resolve issues of family material security, it will be better if a man takes care of the care of a newborn,” says Olga Mladova. – The question of who will stay at home with the child, and who will go to work, should be solved, guided not by senseless stereotypes, but by common sense.
Another thing is the father’s psychological readiness for this. Will your husband be able to abandon the temporary loss of his social status and at the same time feel comfortable? ”
Russian legislation stipulates that parental leave can be used fully or in part by his parents (mom or dad), as well as grandmother, grandfather, another relative or guardian who actually care for the baby (Art. 256 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation). For the period of leave, the employee retains his place of work and position
To issue a decree, a father must write a statement addressed to the manager asking him to grant parental leave until he reaches the age of three years and attach a copy of the baby’s birth certificate to the application. The employer has no right to refuse the father. Since 2006, a monthly allowance for the period of parental leave for a child up to the age of 1.5 years is paid in the amount of 700 rubles, regardless of the number of children being cared for.
The size of the childbirth allowance today is 8,000 rubles. Payments are small. Perhaps this also affects the fact that our men are not very eager for maternity leave.
For comparison: whoever is sitting with a baby on maternity leave, the British government pays 106 pounds a week for 9 months. In France, 2% of men interrupt their professional activities and take parenting leave.
Love, 32 years old, nurse (part-time), mother of twins Mitya and Marina at the age of 1 year and 9 months:
“It is difficult to cope with two breast twins. During the first month and a half, Andrew actively helped me. Above him there are no bosses, and he had the opportunity to plan his time, as it is more convenient for him.
But then he again went into a normal working rhythm and is now returning home by 7 o’clock in the evening to see the children. If by this time they have not eaten, he feeds them.
He devotes his days off completely to children: bathes them, changes clothes, washes, cooks food. We change each other. It is necessary: I am a nurse and often work at weekends.
In this case, Andrei takes over. But still, the rest of the time, I do a lot more.
I would very much like him to help me more often with washing and ironing, at least sometimes on weekdays I would prepare something to eat. At the same time, I have nothing to complain about, he does so much! ”
Andrey, 36 years old, real estate seller, Luba’s husband:
“When I became a father, I started working less intensively. It happened by itself, not under duress. Since my profession involves some freedom, I regularly spend the whole day with children.
This gives a respite to Luba. If it doesn’t work that day, it can do something else.
Of the two of me, I have more freedom in organizing the working day. If one of the children gets sick, I will stay at home. ”
“Nowadays it’s not easy for men to self-identify in a family. They are bound by two opposite points of view of society, ”explains Olga Mladova. – According to the first, a man and a woman should replace each other in raising children. And the second: roles in the family should be clearly distributed. ”
It is not surprising that after this the young fathers do not know what to do. They want to show power from them and at the same time expect that they will be engaged in babies. Women dream of men being loving and at the same time central to the family.
But is it possible in modern society?
In France, married men devote 76% of their time to work and 24% to children.
The average European father is able to warm up baby food and feed him a child, he knows how to change a diaper, and occasionally he does this, sometimes he gets up to the baby at night.
Many of the representatives of the strong half of humanity tried to accept the challenge. From the 50s of the 20th century, men’s behavior began to change radically: they had much more feminine qualities.
And women tend to take places in all areas of life, both in the family sphere, and in society and the profession. “This situation requires clarification: who should do what if a man and a woman become so similar? – considers Olga Mladova. “If you wish, you can agree on everything.”
Video: Children’s menu. Special edition for dads – how to cook dinner for a baby if mom is not at home.