Children often become enraged when something goes wrong with them: the pyramid crumbled, the kulich cracked, the sandy castle washed away in a wave. The kid throws toys on the floor, waving his arms, screaming. “Many parents get scared when they see their child in such a furious state. But it is not necessary to be afraid of this, because when something goes wrong with us, we are also angry.
A child cannot smile and be “fluffy” all the time, just as long as he does not know how to deal with his anger, ”explains Svetlana Klimova, a family therapist, a member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists and the European Association of Psychotherapists. Show your child with all your appearance and tone that a catastrophe did not occur, and suggest: “Let’s try again!” familypoint.ru. – Start building your pyramid next to the baby and pretend that she crumbled by chance. Take a breath, say out loud: “What a pity!
I tried so hard! Well, I will try again! ”The kid will understand that everyone feels a sense of annoyance in such a situation, and he will see that you can react to failures differently – without crying and crying.”
An attack of anger most often overtakes the child at the moment when his desires disagree with reality. With this in mind, try to warn his displeasure.
If you outline the situation in advance, the chances that the child throws a tantrum will be much less. On the eve of a visit, you can say: “In the evening we will go to grandmother, but before that you will sleep a little.” Before you turn off the TV, warn: “Soon the session watching cartoons ends.”
Before you go to the store, hold a conversation: “Now I do not have money to buy you even a chocolate.” “You can specify a shopping list in advance,” advises Elena Fisun. – For example: “Today I can buy you one thing.” If the child is forgotten and puts a typewriter, markers or chewing gum in the basket, remind: “You must choose.”
In public places hysterics work fine. When a child begins to cry in front of passersby, many parents are ready to give up.
By the age of 3, the baby perfectly understands where our weak spot is. “Often parents confess that at home the child does not roll up tantrums. But one has only to cross the threshold of the store, as he immediately enters the role, ”says Svetlana Klimova. – In public, parents feel shame and embarrassment in front of others and are more likely to be led by a child.
In addition, at home to withstand a tantrum easier. If you warned the baby that you can not buy him anything, but he still burst into tears, pretend that he does not notice this, and continue to go about your business.
However, before you put on the mask of indifference, be sure to tell the baby that you hear him and regret that he was upset, but today the purchase is impossible. As soon as he stops crying, even for a moment, in order to get air into his lungs, he immediately “turn on”: “Well done!
Let’s go choose yogurt for grandma. ”
A child brought up in an atmosphere of permissiveness will not be able to learn to curb their desires. “Rules for children are vital. They teach the child to take into account the reality, as well as the opinions and feelings of others – says Elena Fisun. “The rules make life predictable and act as a sedative.”
A parent must think in advance when he can make concessions, but not as a result of a tantrum, but before. For example, if you are ready to let your baby lie in the snow, do not wear it in a white jacket.
The main task of parents is to remove restrictions wherever possible. “It is important to observe two principles: there should not be too many rules, and they should be inviolable and permanent,” advises Svetlana Klimova. If the child knows that he will never get sweet food before meals, he quickly realizes that it is useless to demand dessert at an extra hour.
Even if your grandmother came to visit you.
Emotions are paints. Without them, our life will fade as quickly as a photograph in the sun.
The kid just still does not know what these colors are called. That is why it is very important that parents comment on his feelings, both positive and negative: “You smile – this is joy!”, “Now you are upset, and I see it.” “If mom and dad do not notice or ignore the child’s emotions, he receives a signal that he is not interested in them,” warns Svetlana Klimova. – As a result, the baby may form a ban on the expression of negative emotions, such as aggression. But aggression is needed not only for self-defense, but also to achieve the goals set. ”
When a mom or dad voices the emotions of a child, he understands what is happening to him, and sees that his parents are not at all indifferent, that he is angry now or is dissatisfied with something. But there are rules in the family, and the baby can not always get what he wants.
When there are several children in a family, tantrums and bouts of rage become a way to attract the attention of the mother, who checks the homework of the elder or breastfeeds the younger. “In this case, the child cannot be ignored,” says Elena Fisun. “With crying and whims, he is trying to get his mother’s attention, which he is sorely lacking.” If a baby has appeared in the family, you can’t say to the elder: “You’re big now”.
The firstborn should not share toys or give its youngest play territory to the youngest just because it managed to be born a few years earlier. Otherwise, he will begin to assert his rights.
It is necessary to constantly remind the firstborn that his little brother or sister still can not do anything themselves, so they need to devote more time. Parents should not deprive the first child of the pleasant rituals to which he was accustomed. If, before the birth of your second child, you read him a fairy tale for the night, you need to do everything to continue to do it now.
And at least half an hour a day to spend with him alone. Without a mobile phone, without a TV, without a computer.
Consider, did your baby eat well today? Is he tired of the long walk?
Did you sleep well at night? At the age of 4–5 years, children are very easily overworked, and strong emotions can also cause nervous exhaustion. The more the child gets tired, the more naughty.
If the tantrums become more frequent, and the tearfulness has increased, it makes sense to revise the daily routine of the baby. During the period of increased excitability, it is necessary to transfer the child to a benign regimen: go to bed early, stay in the fresh air longer, eat in time, exclude everything fat and spicy from the menu, do not abuse the sweet. “And to give up the strong feelings – to cancel the trip to visit or to the circus,” recalls Elena Fisun. “And it is also necessary to remove TV from the child’s life — this most powerful irritant of the child’s psyche.”
When a baby is dissatisfied with something, its main task is to attract the attention of parents. “It’s useless to scold a child at the time of a hysteric, and after that it’s harmful, because the parent recognizes that this method of influence has a power on him,” explains Svetlana Klimova. For the same reason, during an attack, you do not need to talk to the baby, lecture or chastise him.
After the scandal, it’s not necessary to retell his “exploits” to his grandmother or dad. “At this moment, the strongest punishment for a baby is the lack of attention from the parent,” suggests Elena Fisun. Of course, it’s not easy to depict complete indifference when a child screams with a cry or with frenzy tramples on the floor.
But this is perhaps the only way to give the baby to understand that he cannot achieve what he wants with hysterics.
Any tantrum, like any performance, is designed for the audience. If the child is left alone at that moment, he instantly stops crying. “The kid continues to shout only if he knows for sure that after 5 minutes the parents will not stand and go into his room,” Svetlana Klimova explains. “Either in order to reassure, or to scold, in other words, they will react.” When the attack breaks out, the main thing is to remain indifferent, not to give free rein to emotions and not to get angry in response.
Emphasize that you understand his feelings: “I see that you are upset, but now we will not go for a walk. When you calm down, we can cook pizza together for papa ”- and leave the room immediately.
As soon as the crying subsides, immediately return with the words: “How great that you calmed down! Come to the kitchen, help me knead the dough! ”Or“ I’m so glad you’re not angry anymore! Do you want to see your favorite cartoon? ”
Children should receive parental attention when they behave well, and not when they throw themselves on the floor and fight hysterically, demanding to buy another toy. “Praise the child for good behavior and good deeds. Praise is the most powerful stimulant. The more we praise the children, the better they behave, ”Svetlana Klimova explains.
If a baby without tears has managed to explain to you what he wants, emphasize his success: “You said what you needed, and I immediately understood you!” Or “See how you explained everything to me well!”. It is better to avoid the phrases “You are well done!” Because “well done” is also a label. “We need to help the child understand why he is good,” commented Elena Fisun. “Not because my mother or grandmother said so, but because he already knows how to dress himself, make the bed, catch butterflies.”
Every praise should be specific. This is important for the formation of healthy self-esteem. “