Each of us wants the world to treat our child only with love and sympathy and never offend him. That’s just from the little friends of the baby can not be expected. “By three or four years, altruistic behavior and empathy — the ability to share and realize that a friend may be hurt when they bite or push him — is only in its infancy,” says child psychologist Olga Maydanskaya. “Therefore, frequent conflicts on this ground for at least four years are inevitable.” Usually sympathy in such situations gets offended by the side – everyone rushes to the upset crumbs for help, decrying the offender.
But the bully in this conflict needs no less attention. After all, if a child constantly demonstrates hatefulness and doesn’t get along well with his surroundings, preferring to solve all issues by “storms and onslaught”, then most likely these are the internal problems that he is not able to comprehend and express in another way. “Perhaps the child reproduces what it sees in the family itself,” says Olga Maydanskaya. – And if many questions that parents do not have enough patience, for example, the choice of clothes for the morning walk to the garden, are solved without taking into account the opinion of the kid, then he is well learning a lesson. “The one who has managed to force the situation through, wins,” the child decides and will not stand on ceremony with his peers either. ”
However, even if you show patience and diplomacy in communication with the baby, it can also catch the tension that may have been established in the family. And if he sees that there are no understanding in the relationship of significant and beloved people: mothers, fathers, grandmothers, he feels that his own little world is not safe and enters into a confrontation with the outside world – becomes disobedient with adults and unkind with children .
In this situation, the child literally sends us SOS signals, which are important for everyone to hear.
For a child accustomed to insist on his strength, it is important to help find the basis for compromise behavior that would be arranged by both parties. Try to trace – because of what, as a rule, conflicts arise?
Does your child encroach on someone else’s toy or violates the rules of the game? Or maybe he is trying by force to involve children in the game that he wants to play? “Friendship can be decomposed into individual skills and gradually teach the child to them,” Olga Maydanskaya is sure. – This is the ability to meet, start a conversation, thank and accept gratitude, ask for help and offer it.
And as they mature, each of these skills becomes more and more popular. For starters, you can lose the conflict with your favorite toys. ”
In the same way, other behavioral situations that are difficult for the child can be illustrated – for example, inviting children to play together and the ability to accept rejection. It is important to show that you can play without offending others. Tell your child an interesting fairy-tale story, somehow related to a toy, and invite him to retell it while playing with other children.
This will add to his self-confidence and will cause interest from peers.
The question of whether to teach the child to be able to stand up for themselves and whether it is necessary to give the change to the offender, parents decide to the best of their own temperament and considerations about what qualities they would like to cultivate in the child. Of course, it is very important to teach how to defend yourself and your interests.
But it is also important to show that this can be done without switching to the “language of war”. “I suggested to my daughter to act in the way my father taught me,” says Alyona, the mother of four-year-old Alice. – If someone deliberately pushed, put his hand in front of him with an open palm and, looking the offender in the eye, say: “It’s impossible to me like that!” “This is a really great way to show a child that you can delineate your space and make you consider yourself without using retaliatory violence, the psychologist supports the mother. – If the child is not confident in himself and is afraid of a new meeting with the abuser at that moment when you are not around, you can work out this method in advance at home. Any toy can play the role of an attacker here – it’s important that your son or daughter practice to say these words and feel their power. ”
- 2 years. Kids start playing with each other for the first time, but their contacts are still very short.
- 3 years. There is more involvement in the joint game, children begin to help each other and share toys, but conflicts often occur, as they only learn to interact. They need the help of adults to start the game and not lose interest in it.
- 4 years. Children can spend more time together, but they easily change their attachments. A friend for them is the one with whom they are currently playing.
And if the other kid acted with our obviously unfair, is it worth pointing it to him? “This is a very delicate situation,” says psychoanalyst Olga Reshetnikova. – On the one hand, children always remember whether their parents defended at a difficult moment and in what way. It is important for the child to feel that the parent is completely on his side. ”
On the other hand, we should not forget that the upbringing of other people’s children is the prerogative of only their parents. If the other parent is actively involved in the conflict, he returns the selected toy to your child and decries the behavior of his child, you just need to console your child so that he does not doubt that you share his feelings. “In the same case, when the abuser’s parents are indifferent to what is happening, you can only say out loud, with your baby, to another child so that he does not do this anymore,” says Olga Reshetnikova. – In this case, your child will feel: you have not left him.
But it is possible to say this to another child only in a mild form and always – only in the presence of his parents. ”
We are all ready to come to the aid of our children if their little abuser speaks openly: pushes, takes away a toy by force or violates the order of skating from a hill. Here we do not hesitate to either take our child off the “field of military action”, or if the abuser’s parents seek to resolve the conflict, we bring everyone to mutual reconciliation.
However, sometimes situations arise that put us at a dead end: it seems to us that our child … is manipulated and controlled. After all, at this age, children show themselves as leaders, observers, and those who are more comfortable with agreeing to someone’s opinion than insisting on their own. “When in the kindergarten changing room my son changes clothes faster and his friend asks him to wait, Anton sits and waits,” says Vera. – If that boy acts faster, he immediately runs away to the group, even if my son asks him to stay. I noticed that the expression on my son’s face was somewhat confused, but he did not complain out loud and did not take offense.
I can’t decide whether to tell his friend that it’s not worth doing so, or to convince Antosh himself to behave differently. ”
The ability to give a child the right to be himself is a difficult parental lesson that our children teach us already in the first years of their life. After all, an accustomed to insist on his or touchy parent may seem that the son is growing Rohley. And he, probably, is endowed with important features – kindness, condescension, the ability not to be offended by the fact that the parent seems offensive.
That of this set of human qualities is considered “bad”, and that “good”, like everything else in life, depends only on the angle of view. “Often we simply underestimate the abilities of our own child or we don’t have the patience to wait for it to cope with the difficulties that arise on its own,” says Olga Reshetnikova. – Therefore, it is not necessary to force events, trying to forcibly “improve” the relationship. In this case, we simply do not give the child a chance to contact us for help.
It is only important to be open and behave in such a way that the baby can discuss with us any, including negative experiences. ”
Sometimes the kid makes concessions because of lowered self-esteem, being afraid of losing friendly contact. Think if he gets enough attention and doesn’t he feel lonely?
Try to show as clearly as possible that you love and value him for who he is.
Before, it seemed to us that we would face at least no earlier than school age with the problem of the environment that challenges what we are trying to teach our child. However, it turns out that already in kindergarten there appear little tempting friends, with whom we are not always happy to be friends.
Psychologists call to treat this as the first important children’s experience in upholding their views.
“A daughter’s girlfriend constantly teases her in the garden for“ feats ”: to run away from the teacher, give up tea or sabotage a quiet hour,” says Irina, the mother of four, Lelya. – The teacher told me, and I talked to my daughter. It turned out that the daughter does not want to break the rules, but “with a friend is always fun.”
I do not urge to stop being friends with this girl, but we agreed that the next time she will be able to answer that she does not want to. ” “The fact that a mother does not force her to break off relations with her friend is a huge step towards building a trusting relationship with her child,” said psychologist Olga Maydanskaya. – In addition, self-determination occurs through denial, the ability to realize one’s interests. In this situation, the girl can be advised not only to refuse to be naughty, but also to offer her friend a new and exciting game, which can be prepared in advance at home. ”
The policy of children’s conciliation may also be a response to excessive parental pressure — when it is easier for the kid to agree with everything in advance, if only he is not scolded. Such children, of course, are comfortable. But this appeasability can have a flip side – the inability to stand up for oneself and define the boundaries of one’s personal desires.
It is necessary to gradually teach the child in something to achieve their decisions. Let him in some situations do what he wants: watch not one cartoon, but two or a ride once again on the carousel. Often children go on about their more decisive friends, fearing that otherwise they will stop playing with them.
And no matter how much we want to save them from negative experiences, it is also important for the child to go through this experience.