My friend Olya does not like to skate. Just hates.
She even agrees to stay at home alone, while we have whole families – with our husbands, children (including her), spend time on the rink. If someone from the company, forgetting himself, says: “Yes, let’s go with us – it’s great!”, Olya responds completely inadequately. It is as if she is offered to load coal as entertainment or, for example, to cut wood.
Because in fact, Olya tried to skate, even a few times. At the age of five, she firmly decided to become Elena Vodorezovoy, and her mother took her to the school of figure skating. At the first lesson, Olya was very happy – and the new skates, and the fact that now she is a real figure skater.
And then. Then something did not work out. She could not learn how to properly fall and rise, and the trainer yelled at her.
I screamed in such a way that even the other children in the group were frightened and wept. Maybe Olya really lacked the ability. Or maybe the expression “What place are you listening to, snag?”
You will cripple everyone! ”Is a special method of coaching, and if Olya understood this and suffered, then everything would be fine. But Olya did not understand – she was so frightened that she did not put on any skates at all.
The mistakes of children are not so terrible as the reaction of adults to them. After all, the child himself cannot assess his actions – he is waiting for what he will be told. And that is how self-esteem is formed.
It depends on adults whether the child will consider himself intelligent, skillful, independent or, on the contrary, awkward and incapable. From adults depends on confidence and the desire to grow. All these qualities are laid in early childhood, are preserved for the most part all my life and determine the success of a person.
What do you say to your children in case of failures? It is very important.
These are wonderful words, and every child should hear them very often. The smallest should be encouraged and praised in all cases where he took the initiative – regardless of the results. Put the sock backwards – clever.
He began to wash his hands and filled with water all his clothes – clever. But as they mature, from about two years of age, assessments should become increasingly differentiated.
The child should see their mistakes and strive to correct them. What is important is not only the fact of striving for independence, but also skill.
The delight of parents about any act at the age of four or five years is no longer relevant. First of all, it slows down the development – after all, there is no incentive to achieve with confidence that I am already the best. Secondly, it forms an inflated self-esteem.
From other people, the child will also be waiting for endless admiration for themselves and their success.
Julia is a long-awaited, late and painful child. For her mother left work, for her family moved to another city.
From the age of four, Julia was engaged in preparing for school with invited teachers and psychologists, because the usual kindergarten was, according to her mother, “for ordinary children”. And the school was chosen not simple – a gymnasium for gifted and creative children. But there were 15 people in the classroom, and all of them were the same as Julia – capable.
And it was for her not just a discovery, but a real shock. When Yulia was not chosen as the Snow Maiden at the New Year’s Eve, she refused to go to school at all and had to do home schooling for half a year until the teachers convinced her of the need for collective learning.
Unlimited admiration of the child, the lack of an adequate assessment affects the character. Demonstrative and exalted traits are formed – when a person tries to attract attention at any price.
This is not for you at all – it’s not worth trying. Parents who so calm their child usually also love him very much.
But at the same time, they are somewhat condescending about his abilities and skills, preferring in his heart that he remains a child for as long as possible.
“Why doesn’t your Misha participate in the school play?” – “What do you mean! All the children are so nimble there, but our two lines cannot learn ”; “Maybe Pasha, too, can start playing football?” – “No, no, they stumble him there – he is so slow!” Parents endow the child with completely unpositive qualities and give him completely inappropriate nicknames, but they do it very affectionately.
Most likely, adults themselves are not confident in their strengths and abilities and transfer this fear to the child. They are afraid of mistakes – perhaps experiencing a negative experience in their own childhood – and now they want to protect their children from this.
And children very quickly learn this position. It is actually very convenient – removes responsibility, lowers the bar of achievement. Saying “You will not succeed because you are small and incapable,” we instill in the child a fear of independence and a desire to remain small as long as possible.
A growing child may want more freedom and activity, but does not know where to start. Infantilism becomes an obstacle not only for the development of skills, but also for communication.
This is especially true of boys – after all, according to the laws of the male team, the value of a game participant is determined by his skill and strength. And there is such a rule practically from kindergarten.
The help of parents is very timely. She gives a very small child a feeling of confidence and stability: “Whatever happens, next to me are reliable people who will cope with all the problems.”
Over time, this feeling should be replaced by faith in one’s own strength. We are helping less and less – the child is doing more and more, up to that point (although it will not be soon) when our help will not be needed.
If we continue to help and calm down and understand all situations, the moment of independence will be postponed for a very long time. It happens that this situation does not suit all adults in the family, and then the “throw in the water” method is used.
Proponents of this method believe that the child will immediately learn to swim, if you swim with him in a boat in the middle of the river and throw it into the water.
“When I studied in the first class, my mother went on a long trip, and we were left with my dad together. A neighbor brought me out of school – and that’s it, then I was alone all day. I myself did my homework, cooked my own food myself, and in the evening I folded my briefcase and even washed school blouses.
Dad did not check how I did the tasks, and once I just forgot to learn a poem. The teacher said: “Very bad, you will forget once again – and I will give you a 2, and dad scolded me in the evening.
Now I consider myself a very independent person and I’m trying to achieve everything myself. But I wouldn’t arrange such tests for my children – I remember very well how I lacked the care and presence of an adult. ”
Most psychologists do not approve of the throwing method. Sudden autonomy is a great stress, especially when the child does not yet possess basic skills and knowledge. And young children still cannot be responsible for their actions.
The ability to predict activity and the volitional qualities of the frontal lobes of the brain are responsible for the volitional qualities, and they are still developing in the child. It is difficult for him to plan, memorize and execute instructions, it is difficult to calm down himself.
Even seven-year-old children in especially difficult situations need support and help.
Agree, it is strange to see how mother berates the child who fell on the street. He did not specifically fell, and he also so painfully. Why scold?
Of course, it’s not a child, it’s a matter of irritation that has accumulated, accumulated and, finally, has spilled over the first occasion. If this happened once or twice, that’s okay.
If anger about the actions of a child is a common thing and parents are annoyed with any trifle, then, apparently, they do not like the baby very much.
Moral norms in society do not allow us to talk about it openly, but it is possible to feel dissatisfaction with errors – obvious and imaginary. “We want good things for him, we want him to learn,” as adults justify their constant discontent. Particularly dramatic is the situation when one of the children in the family is treated and loved, and the second (for example, from a failed marriage) is the scapegoat.
No matter how hard he tries, whatever he does, he never hears praise. It is good if in a kindergarten or school there is an attentive and sensitive educator who is able to look at the problem and correct it with his attitude.
Otherwise, neither the desire for activity, nor the desire for achievement does not arise at all.
Although there is another version of events. The child, growing up, begins to rebel: “You thought that I can only bad?
Make sure – it is. I am even worse than you thought. ”
The main thing is patience and work, and then everything will work out. This is the slogan of parents who place increased demands on the child. The fact that labor is important in any business is, of course, right.
The mistake is that achieving the best result becomes mandatory in any activity. Can’t draw a cat? Here, look, as it should, – and now draw until you succeed.
Can’t jump rope? Every day we will train.
Wanting to see the success of the child, such parents can make any of the most interesting activities a torture.
But the real torment is waiting for the kid at school. Because now he will sit until midnight, until he learns how to write all the letters beautifully. And he will not be happy at all, even if the teacher praises for accuracy, – these praises are too hard.
Activity in these children is also quite low. They do not seek to find any interesting activity – they probably know in advance how this will turn out.
“When I was five years old, I said that I wanted to play the piano. “A good lesson for a girl,” said Dad, and I was immediately sent to a music school. Two years later, it became hard to learn, and then I got tired of it at all, but for all of my “I don’t want” I was firmly told that everything had to be done.
I studied for 9 years, hating school, grand piano and scales. And on the offer of parents to enter the music school just laughed.
I am a confectioner, and recently received an international prize for a new cake. I’m happy. Why did I have to spend so much time on music ?! ”
And if it does not work, then nothing terrible – something else will turn out. The best help to the child is provided by those parents who behave inconsistently. They often praise – but sometimes they can say: “Oh, what kind of a disgrace?” They offer help, but they assure that the child will cope with everything himself.
They say that nothing is impossible and if you want everything can be achieved – but at the same time inspire a sober outlook on life. True, with all this, they behave very benevolently.
Making comments and scolding is also possible in different ways.
Children with such relationships are very open, always tell their parents about their failures and worries. Even the smallest ones have a positive attitude towards life and a wide range of interests. They are confident, but not afraid of mistakes. “It’s okay, with all this can be,” they say optimistically, regarding failures as temporary difficulties, and not as a misfortune that will ruin everything.
In general, they have all the qualities of a real optimist and successful person. And these qualities will be the best support – from childhood and for life.