Two pregnancies, two births and, accordingly, two postpartum periods in a row – too much load on the body and on the psyche. The recovery period after childbirth lasts about a year, and when a new wave of hormonal changes is superimposed on it, it becomes too much stress.
Psychologists working in antenatal clinics report a significantly higher percentage of postpartum mood disorders in women who give birth with such a short break. For example, in the group of women 20–27 years after the first birth, there are practically no complaints of any manifestations of mood disorders.
A minor “maternal blues” is expressed in capriciousness, sensitivity, periods of sadness and soon passes.
Women of the same age who have given birth to two children in a row have more pronounced symptoms: feeling of depression, loss, a significant decrease in mood, tearfulness lasting for several months. And all this can not be considered news.
The fact that two genera are unfavorable with a difference of a year has been known since antiquity. The peoples living in the traditional way are still conspiring to “not give birth to a second child until this one runs and swims”, “… until the mother’s hands become free,” “… until the milk is renewed.”
That is, until the eldest is at least three years old.
The ancient Slavic peoples also tried to avoid too little difference in age. And by conviction in harm not only for the mother, but also for the children. Seeing that children born without a break are more often sick, they are weaker, they attributed this to the peculiarity of the existence of their guardian spirits.
Small children have small guardian perfumes. They are also restless, they love to play and play pranks. And they are closely together – so one takes power from the other.
Of course, now raising children of the day is not a problem in terms of physical health. Psychological features of this situation should be foreseen.
“They are almost the same age – it means that they will grow in almost the same conditions. No senior-junior, no jealousy. ” This opinion is wrong.
Parents themselves feel the need to “appoint” one of their children to elders, to give them more adult features – even if they are raising twins. And then there really is one much (compared to a newborn) older. Of course, he and to be more conscious, patient, responsible.
But he was not ready. Moreover, he did not understand at all what had happened and why the situation had changed so much. A child of three or even two years can be easily explained that he will have a brother or sister, talk to him about why mom now can not spend so much time with him.
You can calm him down when he shows discontent with the situation, somehow support and distract him.
One-year-old or a little older child can not understand what is happening, for him everything goes on the level of sensations. And they are not the best.
He wants to be with his mother all the time, fall asleep in his arms, constantly see her face turned to him. But no – now it is not available, no matter how you ask.
This causes anxiety, deprives the feeling of complete security.
In the period of eight months – a year children have a strong attachment to their mother, when the child is removed from other people and, as they say, does not get away with it. This is a normal stage of social development, and it, as a rule, passes quickly. But for this, it is necessary that Mom was always there, at the first call, and always ready to “shelter” from outsiders.
In the case when another child appears by the year, it is almost impossible – the hands are busy. As a result, the attachment to the mother does not weaken, but, on the contrary, grows stronger, but at the same time it is based on the subconscious fear of losing it itself. The older one becomes very sensitive – even at night he wakes up at the time when the younger one rises for feeding.
As if joining the symbiosis of mom and younger. By the way, his life, too, can not be called cloudless. Of course, there are no particular worries about the lack of attention – he simply has nothing to compare with, but his mother’s closeness is not enough either.
And in this, perhaps, the main difficulty is the very similar interests of the children.
Sometimes parents see no other way out than to separate children for a while. With one – a grandmother or a nanny, with another – a mother, and then vice versa.
This enables each of the children to have as much attention as needed. Unless, of course, these periods are short-lived and there is no clear preference.
“Alena was four months old when I realized that I was pregnant again. I did not even believe it at first – I was sure that while breastfeeding it was impossible.
My grandmother reassured me: “They are almost like twins. Grow at the same time.
Even new toys will not have to be bought. ” Well, yes, I did not have to buy toys. But the rest of the children are very different.
The youngest year is now the oldest a little more than two. The youngest is very capable and nimble, is keenly interested in everything. The eldest is attentive, but very slow and difficult to remember.
When we learn poetry, the youngest can learn even more – although she still does not pronounce some letters. We often joke that girls confuse something with their birth. Were to be born on the contrary, if we consider the development.
Even we think of them together, in one group to give. And then, perhaps, in one class. ”
Parents of the same age often say that their youngest child is more capable. And this is also not entirely true. It happens that they simply didn’t do much with the elder: with the new pregnancy, with the problems associated with it, it faded into the background.
And then, when time appeared, they began to engage in the interests of the younger. It turns out that the older one missed some “lessons” and now he has to catch up with something. But the younger got the opportunity to study ahead of time – watching the older one.
So the difference in abilities can be an illusion. And it is not necessary to give children the same age in one group of kindergarten.
At an early age, even a difference of two to three months means quite a lot. And do not compare their abilities with each other.
The feeling of inferiority is very important, it helps to strive for achievements, to learn something new. But if it is too much, then this hinders the development.
If a child constantly hears delight in the address of a brother or sister and ridicule (even the kindest) in his own, then there can be no healthy competition. There will be either a passive attitude to everything in general, or aggressiveness, or (a little later) overcompensation, when the child seeks to achieve a result at all costs.
Type of personality, inclination, preferences – in all things try to see the differences and give each of the children what they need.
This, incidentally, will continue to be an important motive for the mutual exchange of interests. With the right approach, the children of the age can be very versatile.
They are able to enthrall each other, to receive a lot from the fact that they are different.
Families where there are children the same age say that they no longer want children. “Two in a row – to get rid of all these diapers, at times, at one time, and then calmly pursue a career, with their own interests.” So they say, and after five years, and after ten.
And after fifteen they want a baby again! It is in such families that late children most often appear, with large – sometimes even at the age of twenty! – the difference. Why?
Yes, because the first (combined with the second) motherhood was very hard. So much so that, in fact, motherhood was not felt.
There was only hard work, sleepless nights, constant crying and childhood illnesses.
“When I look at walking moms and children, I feel terrible. They are all so contented, calm, smiling.
They speak affectionately with their little ones, they are shown something to them. I, as a hunted one, have no time to sleep or eat normally. One child is three months old, the second is a year and a half.
Crying one, then the second, then both together. Even my friends stopped coming to me, and I understand them. My husband looks at all this optimistically and helps me in the evenings.
But in the afternoon I’m alone and I feel completely exhausted. Sometimes it even dreams that I’m just going to get pregnant, but there are no children yet.
Only in these dreams and rest … “.
It is not surprising that for some time this period, many do not even want to remember. But then there is a feeling that small children never existed.
Adults – yes, there is. And the kids – was not.
And I want to finally feel it – now, in a relaxed atmosphere. Older people most often take it positively and are willing to help. But mom towards them at this particular time may feel guilty.
For not paying so much attention to them, I did not spend so much time, sent to grandmothers. Because she was not so happy …
Despite the fact that there are a lot of difficulties, you should not assume that children of the same age are the most inappropriate option. As far as children are concerned, such a concept (from a psychological point of view) does not exist at all: each situation has both advantages and disadvantages. The definite advantage of the weather is that they really are always friendly and maintain excellent relationships for the rest of their lives.
They more easily tolerate adolescence themselves and do not create special problems for adults. Relations with parents in adulthood they have wonderful (but the theme of jealousy is preserved precisely among those whose ideal difference in age).