In the course of positive psychotherapy, all participants are offered … to wash the dishes. But not in a simple way – quickly, with irritation and thoughts: “And why has nobody done this before me?”, But consciously and with pleasure. Feel how warm water flows into the palm of your hand and how pleasant it is to squeeze a sponge with your hand, think about the patterns on the cups and plates.
What’s the point of this? Learning to rejoice in every moment of life, every event – after all, it is the basis of human harmony with himself and the world around him.
But people are so arranged: what we have, we consider as the norm and do not particularly appreciate, but we exaggerate the shortcomings and problems. “Family, small children are so difficult, so many problems,” say young mothers. “Family, small children – the best time”, – those whose children grew up recall with sadness. What caused the annoyance was the subject of jokes, what seemed like hard work was a pleasant pastime. In many ways, this positive attitude is simply due to age.
But he can learn. Any events have two sides, and which of them will prevail depends all the same on us.
Even those couples who have been living together for several years without an official ceremony, appreciate the wedding as the beginning of a new life and an important milestone in the history of their relationship. But the reverse side can occur long before you are offered to exchange rings.
Wedding turns into tension in relationships and conflicts.
“It feels like I need it alone. I figure out how to arrange invitations, I am looking for an organizer, I choose the day, and my husband (it’s strange to call a person a friend with whom we have been living together for almost 5 years) simply agrees.
Or does not agree. No initiative, no excitement … “;
“I waited for the proposal for a year – after all, it is clear that we are simply made for each other. Without waiting, she began to hint.
When the hints were not understood, I had to say: “I want to get married.” It’s a shame – after all, it was not so at all ”;
“Before the appointment date of the wedding, everything was fine. We met, went to rest together – there was no doubt that we would be together further.
And now, when there is a month left before the wedding, Igor seems to have been replaced. Now, he and his friends want to go for a river rafting, then relatives need help.
I do not understand anything – he says that he loves me as before. ”
Approximately half of women tend to think that men really do not want to marry. And this … it is. Wedding is really more needed by women.
Firstly, the very idea of marriage, which is associated with confidence, stability, constancy, reliability, is closer to women simply because of the nature of sex. Secondly, the wedding is important just as an event.
After all, it was then that children’s dreams come true that you are the queen of the ball, in a beautiful dress, surrounded by a sea of flowers.
One German magazine has calculated how much time is spent by brides and grooms on the choice of clothes and accessories. It turned out that 80 hours are spent on this for women (and this is not counting the sketches on the last page in school notebooks) and 5 for men. The number of wedding magazines purchased by women is from 3 to 10, and men do not even realize that such publications exist.
Men, of course, also appreciate the care, reliability and confidence in the future. But, securing such relationships with a seal, everyone in his heart understands that he is no longer free to choose, and subconsciously fears this.
But this is not the only thing that can spoil the relationship. Nearly three-quarters of couples say that their life together in the first year after the wedding has changed for the worse. Developments can and should be different, and the woman is responsible for this.
Not because she needs the family more. Women have the ability to convey feelings, to organize the emotional space around them. “The weather in the house” is completely dependent on them. And create it easy.
You just have to … do nothing. Do not change your life, do not make it more “family”, adult and responsible.
The most terrible phrase a man can present is: “Dear, we now have a family, and you should …” From the family, he is waiting for a community of interests, having an attractive partner near, constant and regular sex.
In such an environment, it is located to give what a woman needs – warmth, support and mutual understanding. Well-known psychotherapist Virginia Satir said that family is the most difficult activity in the world.
So, no need to complicate.
What could be better than starting an independent and independent life! After all, in fact, only from this moment can one consider oneself a real family. According to statistics, more than half of families begin their lives with their parents.
Psychologists believe that this can go completely without harm for a young family, if the life of a large family (in fact, two families) lasts no more than six months.
First of all, it will very soon become clear that while living with your parents, you didn’t even know about the true amount of household tasks that are obligatory for execution, as well as about the scale of material costs.
Adapting to this situation and finding out who should do what and what to spend money on is no longer so easy.
Secondly, the relocation can reveal your problems and disagreements. Suppose you have argued from time to time before, for example, you have always had conflicts and misunderstandings. But they passed, most likely, peacefully – most people are embarrassed to say everything they think, when there are relatives behind the wall.
And the deep causes of these conflicts you, most likely, not very worried. After all, there was always someone to blame.
People quickly get used to this state of affairs. Do not work on yourself, do not think how to achieve harmony in relationships. It seems that all this is and is – and only relatives prevent to show all your best parties to the full.
Here we leave them – and everything will be fine.
But often it turns out that it is not. Problems, disagreements, inability to agree remain, but there is no one to blame. “We waited for the move for four years, and divorced six months after we began to live separately.
It turned out that I do not know the husband at all – the way he is without his mother. When we lived with her (and her grandmother, who required constant care), we had problems that we had to cope with. I dreamed about when we could get away from all this, thought how wonderful it would be to spend time only together, that we would finally think about the child.
And a month after entering a new apartment, I suddenly realized that we could not spend time together. Apparently, we were united by problems.
Now they are not – no communication. The husband turned out to be withdrawn, not very sociable, irritable (I always thought that he was annoyed by the situation in my mother’s apartment). When I made the decision to divorce, he joked, “Well, maybe, again, back to mine?”
Move back, of course, not worth it. This will delay the period of this maturation even more.
The family is a man, a woman, and their children. All other people, even the closest relatives, are now, alas, not your family, and they should not take a serious part in your life.
Living with parents and even just keeping too close contacts breaks the family structure, people do not have self-awareness (together) as a separate couple, there is no “we” feeling. In practice, it looks like this: a husband or wife constantly consults with his parents, tells them everything about his family life, asks for advice in conflicts and just a little – slam the door: “I go to my mother!” This causes a bewilderment to a partner – especially if his relationship with parents more adults. And at some point he simply does not want to run after and persuade him to stay.
And that will mean a breakdown of relationships. Love for parents should not become less, but it should take other forms, intimacy with them should remain spiritual – in the form of pleasant communication with the whole family.
In the idea of what is a good mother, concerns about professional growth are not included. When a child, crying, clings to the edge of clothes, this is a way of expressing emotions in young children – no more. Do not assume that he is bad without you.
The first experience of parting is necessary to master the skills of independence.