There will be three such crises in the near future. In a year, in three and in six-seven years of the child. Each will last about a year, and each will be accompanied by more or less stress in the relationship of parents.
It is at this time that the centrifugal tendencies of the most different types will increase – up to temporary separation and even divorce. And yet you should not be afraid of crises. After all, they are natural and characteristic of any, even the best relations.
Thanks to crises, there is development – we learn to live and interact in changing conditions. The main thing is to treat them correctly. If there is a crisis, it means that it is needed for something.
Do not panic and do not make radical decisions. After a recession in a relationship, in most cases a recovery should follow.
The one-year-old child feels quite adult and independent. After all, he is already quite firmly on his feet and can choose for himself where to go and where not.
He can take what he needs because he has learned to open the doors of cabinets and drawers. He has formed taste preferences, and he can choose what is, and what to spit. Rather, he could do all this.
But he is not given. This is the essence of children’s age crises: in the contradiction between the growth of independence, on the one hand, and restrictions – on the other. The child begins to fight for their rights and freedoms, and the parents are looking for at least some means of influence. “Actually, I thought I had a docile and calm child.
There were no problems from birth. Now – as if changed. It is necessary to do something not for him, such scandals are satisfied!
Yelling (I understand, it’s bad to talk about your own son, but you would hear it!) For any reason, pulls out everything he can reach, and tidies the floor with saucepans. Sometimes it feels like a spite.
With grandmothers – just golden. I come home – and it begins again … “
To withstand this is difficult. Moreover, the entire previous year, the parents and so gave the child all their strength. But difficulties must unite.
Why is it at this time that problems arise in the marital relationship? Because usually parents are tuned to something else. “It will grow a little bit – and it will be easier,” “That will be at least a year, you can spend more time with each other.” For a whole year, parents reconcile themselves with fatigue, lack of sleep, with a huge number of cases, with constant anxieties and restrictions on personal freedom.
And by the year they just get tired. Moms, from fatigue, let things take their course, and dads, also from fatigue, begin to look for something interesting outside the house.
Mom makes dad claims that he does not help her at all, and he answers that she does not pay attention to him at all. Then she says that he is an egoist and that she did not at all justify her hopes. And he – that she probably can not properly raise children.
How does this end? Very often parting.
Moreover, this crisis does not depend on what kind of child it is. Sometimes with the first child, everything is not as acute as with the second or third. “Our firstborn was born when I was in my fifth year. I was helped by all the relatives, and we had no particular problems.
I have the impression that children are not difficult at all. Ten years later, a daughter was born. I took a vacation, doing it myself.
And it is very, very hard. And not because I had to change my way of life like this – I was ready for that. And because from the husband I do not see any support.
Recently I left for courses in another city. For three months. He said that the routine hinders his development and career.
Routine is probably us. ”
What to do to survive this crisis? First, gradually go out of symbiosis with the child. “We sleep”, “we eat” – this is normal for a very young age.
But over time, such a relationship can look like an opposition. “We are here alone, and you …”, “You do not help us at all.” A man even subconsciously begins to feel overwhelmed when he constantly hears about this separation.
Second, change priorities. For a baby, you have already done a lot, and it’s time to pay attention to your personal relationships.
Of course, the child is still very much in need of your presence, and it is not worthwhile for other people to entrust him for a long time But you will not be a bad mother because you left the baby to your grandmother, going on a romantic date with your own husband.
Even well-trained parents can be intimidated by the manifestations of this crisis. Well, a healthy child cannot behave so inconsistently and strangely!
He cannot cry for so long and persistently, with such hatred at his parents, do such absurd things. For two hours he insisted on going outside in rubber boots, and when his mother, tired of explaining that they didn’t do it in the heat, she allowed him to put his boots under the sofa and said that he wouldn’t go anywhere at all.
Then he got ready after all – when it was time for lunch. Therefore, he began to cry again.
Negativism, stubbornness, confrontation with adults, despotism – these are the characteristic signs of a crisis. “I heard that girls have crises are not so noticeable. I would not say … My daughter doesn’t just strive for independence, as psychologists say about this crisis, she has been torturing the entire family with her independence. Washed over us, if we are quite frankly.
Yesterday I did not allow her to wash the dollware in the ordinary sink. So it ended with the fact that she nevertheless climbed onto a chair, turned on the water, soaked everything, and then slipped on a slippery floor and fell.
In the evening, the husband came and said that I didn’t follow the child at all and that she was all black and blue. ” A child of this age can badly spoil relations with parents. Because conflict behavior always causes controversy – each has its own ideas about what to do in such cases.
Usually one of the parents is softer and more loyal, and the second, on the contrary, is a supporter of tough measures. Then even the most usual situation for the crisis period (like the fact that the child simply refused to remove his toys) turns into a big family conflict.
Anton’s mom was already accustomed to her son’s antics and even learned to cope with them. You just have to wait a bit, and then take it with something unexpected.
For example, from time to time Anton threatened to leave home. “I will go to my grandmother,” he said every time when he did not find understanding with his mother in the matter of buying new machines. Mom was silent, watched him collect his things, and then suddenly said: “Let’s go see Aunt Masha, we’ll see the puppies”.
Or included a new cartoon. The question of departure was resolved by itself. But one day this picture was seen by dad.
His phrase: “I will leave you, you are bad,” struck a chord. “Ah, we are bad ?! Come on, go away, ”he shouted and put Anton right on the landing. “We need to stop such antics,” he explained to his mother, “otherwise he already ropes the rope of us.”
Anton was so scared that he described himself at the entrance (although Dad thinks he did this on purpose too) and started shouting loudly. Mom (also already in tears) went to save the child, calling her dad a monster and a sadist.
Dad, slamming the door loudly, left (“So that I once again came home to have dinner …”) and returned only late in the evening.
In family relationships, everything is interconnected. Problems in one area will certainly affect the other.
And mutual understanding, and even sexual relations can be affected by conflicts over children. And it is precisely the age of 3 years that is the most dangerous in this sense – disputes on the topic of education at this time are more frequent than ever.
Parents should definitely learn to set boundaries in conflicts, to be able to distance themselves from the problem. They argued on the topic of education, discussed everything that you consider to be wrong in the behavior of your partner – that’s all.
As they say, changed the topic. (Of course, it would be ideal to attain unity in general, but in practice it is rarely possible.) You should not criticize each other in front of a child or defiantly stand up for his defense. The situation when dad scolds, and mom calms (or vice versa), the child can do more harm than good.
Such behavior disorients him in relationships, does not provide a clear understanding of the limits of communication with parents.
This crisis is the calmest, at least in terms of external manifestations. The child does not cry, does not persist, it is quite possible to agree with him. Many parents testify that children of this age are becoming even more obedient than ever.
But, oddly enough, this is precisely the manifestation of the crisis. The child ceases to be a child in the full sense of the word.
He no longer says everything that he thinks and reacts emotionally to what is happening. The child has learned to restrain himself, to hide his feelings, to build his behavior depending on the circumstances.
In addition, he no longer needs such close contact with his parents, he is becoming more and more independent. It would seem that here it is – the long-awaited freedom for parents.
No one pulls the skirt, no one cries. However, many parents feel sad about it. And already with tenderness they recall sleepless nights, and the way the baby asked for his hands, and his promise to marry only you.
Psychologists say that the subconscious fear of old age is also added to these feelings. A child who goes to school is no longer a crumb. Just a little bit, and he will become quite an adult.
But that’s not all. When the period of immediate cares for the child ends, the parents sometimes understand that it was only this that connected them.
They have no common interests, no plans, and to be together – just together, without a child – they are not interested. Such disunity may not be obvious either, people habitually or out of a sense of duty continue to live together, but they also do not receive much joy from the family.
Many consciously or unconsciously start big things – they change an apartment, they buy a cottage, they start moving to another city. Many in this period are beginning to think about another baby.
But you need to look for other ways to strengthen relationships. It is important to qualitatively improve the time spent together, so that both partners feel that they are interested in each other. Otherwise, disunity will only grow, and the relationship will remain a formality.
By the way, couples who were able to restructure themselves in this crisis have all the chances to calmly overcome all the others. After all, there will be a real departure of children from home (the so-called crisis of independence), and it changes the lives of parents much more.
And this one, when a child is 6–7 years old, is just “training.”