Very often, parents choose the path – do not scold for a bad grade. This is so in line with modern views on education.
Do not traumatize with a reprimand, stroke the head of an unlucky student, feel sorry.
However, over time, mothers begin to notice that the child is not at all pleased with such “kindness” of adults. He has no gratitude for her.
And as if something is oppressing him … Maybe it would be easier for him to be reprimanded?
Children do not want to be scolded, shouted at them, raised their voices or somehow punished for their ratings. But indifference is even worse. The child has the feeling that it is an empty place for adults.
And a cry, even if it is angry and offensive, is still a reaction, it is a confirmation that the child is seen and noticed. And sometimes the silence by parents of the fact that the child received a deuce, can be perceived by him as a lack of interest in his life, school and himself. Therefore, it is necessary to react to bad evaluations – adequately to the situation.
You can simply clarify for what exactly such an estimate was obtained, on what topic, whether it can be corrected. This is a normal reaction.
But most often parents react to bad grades too violently. And it is no less bad than too calm perception.
Indeed, both sides are often interested in such a scandal.
Sometimes, through punishment and negative remarks in his address, the child satisfies the need for the love and attention of the parents. This is the so-called secondary benefit.
And it happens that a bad school student is a secondary benefit not only for him, but for the whole family as a whole.
Here are some examples of secondary benefits in this case:
- I see and notice, I am interesting and significant. If a child feels indifference to himself, then a deuce from school is sometimes the only way to make sure that mom and dad remember about him at all.
- I am the most important in the family. The child is so accustomed to receiving attention through bad grades that it starts to use and abuse it. And now he knows when and at what point it is “unintentionally” to fail the control, so that the attention of the family is guaranteed to him.
- Family reunion. The usual picture – dad sits at the computer, mom in his phone. And even if they do not spend time on social networks, and work, but each family member is busy exclusively with themselves. And then a child with another deuce! All affairs are abandoned for the sake of the next evening of educational conversation.
- Means of “joint leisure” family. To some extent, poor learning can “entertain” homework. It is necessary to call the teacher, find out what is the matter there and how this time the child was engaged in the lesson. Sometimes grandmother and grandfather also join the family council. And now the whole family is drinking tea with cookies in the kitchen and thinking what to do next …
- The output of emotions, detente. In families in which it is not customary to express negative feelings and swear, bad grades can serve as a place for safe detente. It seems like they shouted, let off steam, but no one quarreled with anyone.
- Switching attention from something more “serious”. The family seems to be hiding in the bad grades of the child. Instead of deciding whether to divorce or not, change jobs or stay on the old, adults spend time trying to figure out the next two of the negligent child.
If you were able to realize the secondary benefits – this is half the battle. Now you need to think about how to get what you received with the help of the child’s bad grades, in a different way that is safer for him.
In any case, you need to act in two directions.
1. Explain, discuss, draw a conclusion, so that the child will understand where the bad evaluation is coming from, and work out a plan of action.
It is important to communicate in a dialogue format, not a monologue. Instead of “you spent the whole weekend on a tablet, so you didn’t have time to prepare for the test” it’s better to ask questions – “what do you think prevented you from preparing for classes?”
It is also useful for parents to find out about the reason for schoolchildren’s academic failure and to offer their feasible help. If the difficulty with the teacher – to help establish contact, if the subject itself is not clear – it makes sense to work out in addition.
Let us feel that the child is not left alone with an incomprehensible subject, that you are with him and act on the basis of his interests.
2. To enforce the penalties.
If you have decided on a plan of action, have written literally in steps, exactly how the child is going to correct the assessment – be sure to discuss what will happen if the promises are broken. And put these words into practice.
Of course, they should not humiliate the child and deprive him of something really important. Do not put at stake the fact that he is really expensive. For example, not to go to the cinema for a bad rating, and staying at home to repeat the material is one thing.
But to lose the birthday party in the trampoline center is quite another.
Behind bad grades most often cost not just laziness of the child and the desire to spite the parents. Rather, it is a cry for help, and it is important to be heard.